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Should sports professionals earn so much?
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
July 10, 2012
6:45 am
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
June 21, 2012
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Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

With the development of sport industry, there has been a growing trend that an enormous sum of money pours into the pockets of such sports starts as Lionel Messi and Bryant Kobe. The issue of whether these stars are entitled to such high salaries is of great concerned over individuals. Higher reward for the outstanding sportsmen, from my perspective, is justified, although other professionals, including researchers, surgeons and politicians, receive much less salaries when compared with athletic stars.

There is no point in denying that distinguished sportsmen are very few because being a top player in any game requires years of constant work and dedication. Tiger Woods, for instance, was playing and practicing on a real golf course by the age of two, and throughout his career was known for his intensive practice habits. Likewise, football players and gymnasts are always in danger of being injured or even disabled unexpectedly. Consequently, critics should not turn a blind eye to the warm blood, swink, tears and sweat athletes have devoted. Furthermore, so fierce are competitions for super stars that they are tested frequently and inevitably. To elaborate, sportsmen would be substituted by more excellent and young players immediately, if they had performed not well enough in a game. Most essentially, the pressure from the media is so extreme that they have little privacy out of spotlight. Admittedly, they accumulate wealth under considerable hardworking and pressure.

Nevertheless, there are many professionals in other fields, namely science, medical service and politics, who are paid much less. Stories abound in the realm of science that anthropologists or other scholars have generated more benefits to our well-being and future than athletes have. Unfortunately, cash for scientists are usually insufficient, not to mention doctors and political leaders.

To recapitulate, outstanding sport players deserve high salaries. Technically, neither we ignore the huge cost sportsmen have paid for such wages, nor should individuals neglect the unjustified circumstances other professionals confronted with.


May I ask you to assess my work according to following four aspects?  Task Response; Coherence and cohesion; Lexical Resource; Grammatical Range and Accuracy (the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing)

July 10, 2012
11:26 am


Did you really read my comments on your other essay?  I spent over a lot of time on it.  

This essay is a cookie-cutter copy of the other one. There's no need to do a join-the-dots or a paint-by-numbers essay. 


If you want to improve your score, remove ALL of these:

  •  there has been a growing trend 
  • To recapitulate
  • Likewise
  • The issue of whether...
  • ... is of great concerned over individuals
  • Stories abound in the realm of science that anthropologists or other scholars
  • There is no point in denying that
  • To elaborate, 
  • so fierce are...  that
  • Most essentially
  • Nevertheless
  • Admittedly
  • neither we ...nor should 

They are either used incorrectly, are inappropriate, or are too formal. I'm glad you know them. Now, put them in a box and take them out AFTER the IELTS exam. Don't use them. Really.

Use these instead:

  • First,
  • Another point is...
  • Another reason why athletes get high salaries is
  • A third factor is...
  • In conclusion 

 Other things to do:

  1. Balance the two body paragraphs. Paragraph Three is too short compared to Paragraph Two
  2. Remove unnecessary words, like 'inevitably' and 'frequently'
  3. Check articles (a/an/the) and plurals.
  4. Check agreement ('cash are insufficient').
  5. Check word forms ('hard work' instead of 'hard working')
  6. Remove most of the passives ('substituted')
  7. Write a much shorter introduction
  8. Reduce your overall length from 324 to about 270 words

The best part of the essay is Paragraph Two. It has three ideas

  1. sportsmen train for years -  Tiger Woods
  2. athletes can be injured
  3. athletes are in the media 

There is only one idea in Paragraph Three. You need more. 


Remove the padding, don't use those tired phrases, write a shorter intro, and add more ideas

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