Hi Emkoxinh! Thanks for this essay!
Be careful with words like ‘always’ and ‘must’
The enhancement of criminals’ awareness are always the important goal of law makers.
Someone somewhere is bound to disagree with you. But fewer people can disagree if you say
The enhancement of criminals’ awareness is an important goal of law makers
You didn’t say that this is the main goal, but perhaps to be clearer you could add more information:
Along with punishing the criminal, making society safer, and deterring other criminals, an important goal of prison is rehabilitation.
Changing the question (prompt): make sure you don’t repeat the wording of the question in your introduction.
others oppose this due to issues relating to wasted finance and “holiday camps” trend.
You can specify instead of using pronouns (‘this trend’). This could be written:
Others oppose making prison more comfortable, saying it’s too expensive and that prisoners don’t deserve special treatment.
Generic sentences: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I really don’t like this kind of sentence:
I strongly suppose the latter view for some reasons.
First of all, it could be used in a million essays. Make every sentence specific to the question. Secondly, it’s vague. What reasons? Tell us! Thirdly, the word ‘latter’ forces the reader to stop, go back to the previous sentence or even further, work out which one is latter and which one is former, read the sentence again and then try to get your idea. Why not just tell us? (You also have a wrong word choice ‘suppose’ instead of ‘oppose.’)
Now, writing this, I am totally confused about your opinion. I’ve read the essay three or four times, and I think you are against computers in prison cells.
So I’ve changed my opinion - I think you mean ‘support’ instead of ‘suppose.’ Very confusing for me, and any IELTS examiner reading the essay.
Emkoxinh- my advice to you and all writers is don’t try to remember phrases or sentences and throw them into essays. Just ask yourself how you can express your idea in the simplest way possible. Forget everything you learned, and just write. If writers avoided half-memorized phrases and just write, the IELTS world would be a much more beautiful place.
How about this as a rewrite?
I am against having computers in prison cells.
If you want to give reasons, add more information. You can do it in a second sentence if the first sentence is becoming too long.
- I think having computers in prisons is dangerous, unfair and doesn’t even help the prisoner OR
- I am against having computers in prison cells because it can lead to more crime, it’s unfair, and it doesn’t help the prisoner.
Paragraph 2 has an average sentence length of 22.4 words. This is far too long. There are too many clauses, phrases and wrong word choices. There are also only two ideas, despite the length - there is some repetition.
Proponents of this policy claim that it is not only a moral value but also a means to provide criminals easier access to knowledge and information. To start with, like others, incarcerators have the right to live a full life, despite their sins. Thanks to this humanitarian purpose, offenders change their lives for the better, instead of recidivism. Moreover, by dint of this policy, no sooner do they officially receive the permission to come back to their normal life than they have necessary skills and knowledge to obtain decent jobs. This, at the same time, leads to lower unemployment, decreased crime rate and lessen the burden for their beloved people as well.
I’m going to rewrite it as simply as possible while keeping your ideas. I’m going to add a short topic sentence so that the reader will know what is coming in the paragraph.
There are some reasons for allowing computers in prison. First, it can help offenders to learn new skills. Instead of going back to their old life of crime, they can study and get jobs. This will help their families and reduce the crime rate. Secondly, even though they may have committed crimes, prisoners have dignity and rights. They should not be deprived of everything in life. We need to treat prisoners humanely.
73 words, 10.4 words per sentence.
This paragraph again needs to be simpler. Use a short topic sentence. Don’t use a pronoun in the first sentence of a paragraph. (It forces the reader to remember the previous paragraph. Don’t make the reader think. Keep your writing going forward, not back.)
Simplify. Remove long words. Keep it as simple as possible. Don’t try to impress. Just write simply.
However, it is this plan that trigger disorientation of information and unfairness between normal inhabitants and prisoners. Occsionally, surrounded by sea of information, prisoners hardly find what they need to learn. Instead, computers can become means to chat or search unhealthy websites, even hack private data of nation, causing huge financial losses. Meanwhile,there are people who cannot afford a internet computer at home, say, mountainous inhabitants,though they still have to pay tax. This seems to raise the grievance in the community for the lack of fairness. Some even argue that they would be ready to become inmates due to the technological facility in prison.
106 words, 17.6 words per sentence
Here's one possible rewrite:
However, spending money on computers in prison cells is unfair, wasteful and inefficient. First, many ordinary people cannot afford computers at home. Why should prisoners get one? In addition, prisoners will waste time chatting, downloading porn, or on illegal websites. Without training programs and specific tasks, they will just surf aimlessly, or may even turn to online crime such as hacking.
58 words, 11.6 words per sentence.
Your conclusion gives your opinion, finally - I’m no longer confused! But there’s a lot of new information about vocational programs. These are good ideas, but they should be in the body. Don’t introduce new information in the conclusion.
So my overall advice is begin with a very simple formula layout, like 3773. Keep all sentences below 20 words or so, and have an average of 12-15 words. Keep your writing and structure as simple as possible.