Thanks for this essay. It’s an interesting topic. By picking a five-year-old child, you make it more specific than just saying children or young people.
Your first sentence is a bit awkward. I think you’ve tried to fit too much in to one sentence. You wrote:
- This not a simple question whether parents who have a five-year-old child committing crime should be received sentence.
Here are some possible rewrites. We could break it up or re-organize it.
Should the parents of five-year-old children who commit crimes be punished? This is not a simple question. OR
Whether the parents of five-year-old children who commit crimes should be punished is not a simple question. OR
It’s not easy to decide if parents should be held responsible for crimes committed by their small children.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- Children have such a simple soul that deeply affected by → Children have such a simple soul that it is deeply affected by… OR Children’s souls are so simple that they are deeply affected by….
- parents are definitely have a deeply influence → parents definitely have a deep influence on their children OR children are deeply influenced by their parents
- causing they tend to use violence → causing them to use violence
- when exposing to violent environment → when exposed to a violent environment OR when exposed to violent environments OR when exposed to violence
- Parents…. should subject to punishment. → should be subject to punishment.
- It can be seen from those children who have disruptive behavior are commonly found among those parents who show a tendency to act violently at home. (26 words)
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Children with disruptive behavior are often found to have parents who show a tendency to act violently at home. OR
Disruptive children often come from violent homes. (7 words)
- As under- age children have no knowledge about the consequences of their actions; parents should very closely monitor what children do to notice them about those actions.
I would simplify the punctuation here and change some nouns into verbs
As under-age children do not understand the consequences of their actions, parents should monitor very closely what their children do and warn them.
- We cannot blame a five-year-old child who has such easy access to a wide range of violence games when using violence.
We can delete the last part or rewrite it slightly
We cannot blame a five-year-old child with such easy access to violent games for using violence. OR
We cannot blame a five-year-old child for using violence if he or she has such easy access to violent games.
Thanks Brian for this essay - I like the style it is written in.
A big thanks also for all the work you put into reading and commenting on other people's essays!