Hi Jinu! Thanks for your essay.
One noticeable feature of your essay is the number of stock phrases - sometimes even cliches - and empty words that do not add to your argument. If you could remove or reduce these, your essay would be fresher, simpler and stronger.
For example, if we take the introduction:
In these days of unremitting competitions and rat race for grabbing the best,though it is paradoxical,education plays a pivotal role in day to day life.Many commentators are of the perspective that,it is the duty of universities to make higher education easier for rural dwellers.however, there is a school of thought that universities are not responsible for such things.It does not seem unreasonable to suggest that institutions should make special arrangements for students from villages as education is an entittilled right of everyone
Avoid cliches like "rat race" and unclear references like "it is paradoxical." Avoid the word "things." Say what you mean. Have one or two ideas per sentence. Keep sentences short. You are not standing for office as a politician. You are writing an IELTS opinion essay.
This could be written:
A college education plays a pivotal role by developing useful skills, helping people to climb out of poverty and enhancing self-esteem. However, in rural areas, where few universities are located, it can be difficult and expensive to go to college. In this essay, I will ask if educational institutions should make special arrangements for students from villages.
In Paragraph 2, you write:
The first aspect to points out in this context is that ,umpteen benefits are concerned, if rural people become graduate.In a country,majority of people are from villages and if they become literate, nations can tackle a myriad of lurking snags such as poverty ,unemployment and so on
First, Jinu - make sure that a space comes AFTER punctuation, not before. Not like this , or like this , but with not space before the comma or full stop, like this. Punctuation is important in IELTS. Have a look at the IELTS Task 2 writing descriptors under the heading "Grammatical Range and Accuracy." Don't add commas where not needed.
Your second paragraph could be rewritten:
First, there are many benefits if more rural people graduate. In some countries, the majority of the population live in villages rather than in cities. If these rural dwellers become not just literate but highly skilled, the entire country will be better placed to tackle problems such as poverty, unemployment, and poor nutrition.
Try to be specific. What does "Authorities must understand the need of education and provide proper remedies to overcome problems?" mean? What could some of those remedies be? Avoid generalizations (see under "Task Response" in the IELTS descriptors).
Again, in the conclusion, avoid empty or unnecessary words.
On the reflection of the above statements ,without an iota of doubt one can say that universities must help students from around the country irrespective of region ,sex ,colour and race to gain knowledge to make a better generation for the forseeable future
This could be rewritten as:
In conclusion, universities must help students from around the country irrespective of region, sex, colour and race to gain knowledge to make a better generation for the future.
But this conclusion only touches on the essay topic of rural dwellers, and even introduces new ideas (color, race, sex) - something a conclusion should not do. It's not a good conclusion to your essay.
There is a difference between writing and speaking. In speaking, we use a lot of redundant and unnecessary words and phrases. In writing, every word must have a function, just as a machine has "no unncessary parts"...
Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.