Hi Nahed - thanks for your essay.
I'm going to break a record for the fastest reply!
It's OK to post under another person's topic - Alison already started this topic with an essay, so it would be fine for you to post under her topic. Also, please feel free to comment on what she wrote or on anyone else's essays!
Before I comment on this essay, please have a look at some of the points on your previous essay on violence in TV
The main suggestions which would also apply to this essay are
simplify vocabulary - remove complicated words and use simple ones e.g. irrefutable - clear; unjudicial - illegal; projection of ferocity and barbarism have immuned the society - people have become immune to ferocity and barbarism; dismal - depressed/sad; geohazards - disasters
articles - there are about 12 cases where you need to add or remove articles (a, an, the)
shorten sentences - some sentences are over 25 words long and your average sentence length is over 17. Try to have more short sentences, and try to have a mix of long and short - not all the same length.
punctuation - use Microsoft Word and fix all the problems it identifies with red and green underlines before posting. Leave one space AFTER commas, full stops and words - not before. Punctuation IS important in IELTS - see the official descriptors under the heading "Grammatical Range and Accuracy." Imagine making an appointment with a well-known surgeon, but noticing on meeting him that his fingernails were dirty. A minor point, or a health issue?
What I would like you to do is to resubmit the essay after looking at the comments above and in your previous essay. Just post the revised essay as a reply here and I will comment in greater detail.
[Update: Naheed's new edited essay can be found here]