Hi CrackToEFL and I hope you enjoy this site. Most of the essays here are for IELTS, and I don’t really know much about how TOEFL is scored.
Your essay has a clear layout, with a short intro and four reasons (more doctors, better treatments, more awareness, and government programs) and a conclusion. Your conclusion summarizes these points.
You only have 30 minutes in TOEFL for writing, so are you sure you can write 315 words in that time? Time yourself before the exam and be absolutely sure that you can.
The main feature I notice in your writing is that you have a LOT of extra words. Try to remove all unnecessary words from your sentences. Here are some examples
In today’s time people live longer comparatively than what they used to years ago. (14 words)
‘Longer’ is already a comparative. ‘Years ago’ is already clear from the phrase ‘used to.’ ‘In today’s time’ just means ‘today’ - you could leave that out completely.
People live longer today. (4 words)
Here’s another with 29 words:
- The medical facility has played an important role in the lives of people because in earlier time there were few hospitals and doctors and that also in big cities. (29 words)
In the past there were fewer doctors or hospital, and most of them were in cities. (16 words)
But now, you can find doctors and hospitals even in villages especially when talking about developing countries like India. (19 words)
Who's talking? This is a writing test! Don't write as if you were speaking. Here’s one possible rewrite:
But now even villages in developing countries such as India have doctors. (12 words)
- ...at subsidies rate and at times free of cost. (9 words)
...subsidized or even free (4 words)
This monster has 49 words:
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Finally, Government and International organizations like WHO and Red Cross Society has also played an important role by making medicines of dreadful diseases available at cheaper rate in poor countries, opening government hospitals in rural area where treatment is available at subsidies rate and at times free of cost.
I recommend having an average sentence length of between 12 and 15 words per sentence – not 49!
Longer sentences tend to have more mistakes in punctuation, agreement and structure, and are more complicated for the reader. Aim for a mix of sentences - long and short, simple, complex and compound. Use the tools at the very top of this page to check your sentence length.
Here’s one possible rewrite. It’s still 29 words, which is a little too long.
Finally, governments and organizations such as the WHO and Red Cross Society have provided cheaper medicines for poor countries and opened free or subsidized hospitals in rural areas. OR
Governments have opened hospitals in rural areas, and bodies such as the Red Cross or the WHO have made cheaper medicines available to developing countries. (25 words)
Here’s yet another example, with 29 words.
For example WHO organized campaign against Polio where polio drops are given to children at their home and that also free of cost in order to fight against it.
Here are some possible rewrites:
Polio campaigns treat children at home for free (8 words). OR
Children can receive free polio vaccine at home (8 words)
The second ‘sentence’ is a fragment, not a sentence. Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices.
For example, hundreds of people died because of plague. Malaria, chickenpox as there was no[??] available and it was contagious disease.
What does "it" refer to?
One idea per sentence
Don’t add little ideas onto the end of sentences. Try to have only one idea per sentence. It’s not a stream of consciousness. Organize your ideas and express them as succinctly as you can.