Hi CrackTOEFL and Brian
Great comment Brian about linking words - I hadn't noticed.
Almost every sentence in the essay starts with an introductory word or phrase like 'presently,' 'as a result,' 'further,' 'secondly,' 'also' etc.
A few of these is good, but too many is bad. In IELTS it's called 'overuse of cohesive devices.'
It gets very repetitive and noticeable when you read the essay out loud!
CrackTOEFL, one area you really really really need to look at is articles (a, an, the) and plurals. It's easy to fix. Dig out any grammar book and work through the chapter, or use Google to search for a few good quizzes on articles and grammar. You have at least seven article errors
Eliminate the phrase 'as per' from your toolbox.
Watch out for cause and effect. These sentences are incorrect:
- constructing shopping center near our locality will be valuable for residents as ensure convenient and comfortable shopping.
constructing a shopping center near our locality will be valuable for residents as it will ensure convenient and comfortable shopping.
- there is not even a single shopping centre near our locality because of which we have to drive for 30 minutes even for buying day to day items.
There are no shopping centers near us and as a result (of this) we have to drive 30 minutes for our daily groceries.
There are no shopping centers near us. As as a result, we have to drive 30 minutes for our daily groceries.
There are no shopping centers near us, so we have to drive 30 minutes everyday for groceries.
- On a monthly basis → monthly
- It will provide place to hang out and do window shopping for youth. → It will provide a place to hang out and for young people to go window shopping.
The second sentence here is a fragment.
- Secondly, as per the plan a large shopping center will be constructed which have all the facilities from shopping to eating points and recreational activities. As a result of which residents do not have to travel for 30 minutes to eat out or take kids for recreational activities like playing snookers, billiard and other such games.
Here’s one possible rewrite. We need to remove ‘a’ from shopping center since the reference is already known. We need to remove ‘as per’ which is meaningless and archaic. We need to change the fragment into a sentence. We need to make the tense future and consistent. We need to remove the repetition of “recreational activities.” We need to remove the repetition of 30 minutes.
And we need to teach our ‘kids’ some new games: Shame on you for introducing them to the evils of both snooker AND billiards! At four years of age, too…
Secondly, as the shopping center promises to have shopping, eating, and recreational facilities, we will be able to enjoy meals out and family trips.
Either don’t use quotes, or don’t use the word if it’s so embarrassing or unusual.
- As a result, customer will certainly be the winner in this ‘pricing war’. → As a result, the customer will certainly be the winner in this pricing war.
This is not a sentence. It needs to be joined to the previous sentence:
While others, like me, fully support this idea because of the following reasons.
Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices.
Watch for overuse of the Present Continuous:
- students who are having part time jobs → students who have part-time jobs OR students with part time jobs
CrackTOEFL, as I suggested in your other essay - be careful not to write as you speak. Eliminate unnecessary words. Examine every phrase to see how it can be made shorter, more effective and more elegant.