Hi Ma-Frank

Thanks for this essay.

Generic Sentences

Here’s a sentence which could be used in a million essays:

This essay will discuss both positive and negative aspects of this trend.

Try to make every sentence relevant and unique to the topic:

This essay will discuss whether leaving home for work or study is better for young people than opting to stay at home.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Therefore, it is reasonable for young generation → Therefore, it is reasonable for the young generation
• This temporal leaving will transmute young people to mature adults → Leaving home can help transform young people into mature adults
• …and make greater return to their parents → and repay their parents  OR and provide greater returns for their parents and society
• self-cognition→ self-awareness  OR maturity
• leaving home means escaping parents’ monitor. →  leaving home means escaping your parents’ control or influence/scrutiny/watch/supervision
• Some young people may be influence → Some young people may be influenced
• ·         gain less harvest than their planned previously

Correct or incorrect of decision of leaving home depends on individual’s hard work, perseverance to their ideal and adaptability in a new place.

Nouns

• Selecting work or study elsewhere may be an incorrect decision due to insufficient knowledge about destination and mistaken self-cognition. → Working or studying elsewhere may not be a good choice for immature or undisciplined individuals

This sentence is very impersonal. Some articles are missing

Correct or incorrect of decision of leaving home depends on individual’s hard work, perseverance to their ideal and adaptability in a new place. 

Here’s one possible rewrite with fewer nouns (nouns have been replaced by verbs):

If someone/you  can persevere, work hard, and adapt easily, then moving away from parents can reap rewards. However…

Shorten/Simplify

Here’s a 26-word sentence which needs to be much shorter.

It is globalised trend of development that is creating unprecedented opportunities for young generation and these opportunities mean better career development or greater achievements in academy.

The opening ‘It is’ is weak, and the ‘in academy’ needs rewriting. The main idea of the essay is not about development or progress -  it’s about young people.  

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Young people today have more academic and career opportunities.  (9 words)

Your version sounds nice, but it has several errors and repeats the sentence in your intro. Why do they have more opportunities?

Development of ideas, Coherence

• First, young people who are living in an informational world have matured faster than their parents. → First, young people now mature faster than their parents.

Why do young people mature faster? Is it because of technology or information? Your next sentence says:

• As a result they may have learned how to survive and grow continually in a strange city or country.

Does more information mean that young people have learned to survive away from home?

Repetition, Generic sentences

In your intro you wrote:

We need rational attitude to treat this phenomenon.

In your conclusion you wrote:

We should treat this phenomenon objectively and rationally.

See the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Band 6 (“conclusions may become unclear or repetitive.”)  How could you have developed this idea in the body of your essay? In addition, these two sentences could be used in a million essays. Try to make every sentence relevant and specific to the question.

Overall, the essay is OK. You have fewer nominalizations than before and the writing flows a little better. I would suggest trying to be a little less impersonal. Give your opinion and perhaps use a subject or a person ("you", "we", "I", or "some people"). Task 1 focuses on objective writing: Task 2 asks for examples from your experience. Relax and try to increase the human element!