Now I've read the comments, and the response to the comments, and the response to the response!

Thanks for all your suggestions and defenses.

I agree with most of Rose2802's suggestions. The main theme in her suggestions is removing the passives. It's better to avoid the passive if you can. It's an opinion essay, not an academic research paper or a thesis, so feel free to relax and give your opinion. It's not necessary to say that 'it has been observed' or 'it has been argued.'

A secondary theme in Rose2802's suggestions is simplicity and shorter sentences. I agree with splitting longer sentences, and I agree with keeping sentences simple and pronoun reference clear.

I'm glad that both of you explained your decisions! Well done!

I see that Rose2802 has commented in depth, but I’m going to comment here without reading their comments first.

Not a correct IELTS Topic

One problem with this topic is that it is not an IELTS topic as written. The language is all wrong: mobile phones don’t affect all medical or social aspects of our lives, and 'from negative and positive sides' is not English.  Someone -  possibly a teacher or a poor textbook  -  tried to complicate a basic “Mobile Phones: Advantages and Disadvantages” by adding pointless and confusing verbiage. (Verbiage means too many words, words by the kilo, words added without meaning anything or adding anything)

The first thing anyone will notice on reading your essay is the number of formal standardized generic phrases. I’ll list them here:

• To conclude
• the use of
• it is inarguable
• there is an opinion that the demerits… prevail over the merits
• It is evident
• Personally, I disagree with this view.
• Thus
• Thus, I am convinced that their advantages outweigh the disadvantages
• poses some negative effects
• in several aspects
• It is inevitable that a
• Much scientific research has pointed out that
• often observed
• X can bring about more benefits.
• Y can produce more valuable and beneficial influences

That is an astonishing 76 words that you could use in ANY essay, or 26% of the total 292 words in this essay. It’s a join-the-dots essay! You can find more tired old phrases here.

Your third paragraph is the best one because you have very few of these phrases and it finally sounds as if you (A) are human and (B) enjoy using a mobile phone. How many other interesting ideas adn examples could you give if you had another 76 or 80 words available?

You’ve used the words and phrases correctly, unlike writers in many other essays on this site, so well done for remembering them and inserting them correctly. But you are limited yourself to a Band 6 maximum. Have a look at the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here. You sentences are error free (See Grammar and Accuracy) and the vocabulary is adequate (see Lexical Resource, Band 6) but the essay seems to have been written by a computer.  If you want a Band 6, that’s fine – well done and congratulations!  But if you are aiming higher, you need to rely less on these memorized formulas and more on your own voice and English.

I have the feeling that if you are this careful a writer that you could be getting a much higher band by taking a few more risks. Most of the time on this forum, I advise writers to take it easy, simplify and shorten. Here, I suggest you take a few more risks. (Not if you have the exam tomorrow, though, but if you have a few weeks or months, why not try?)

Thanks again for the essay and I hope you can help some of the less careful writers around here!

(here why do you want to change merits into advantages? any information?

that is word choice, i think using advantages and disadvantages are more suitable than your words. 

On the one hand, a mobile phones poses  have some negative effects for on its their users in several two aspects.

(why do you want to change this sentence, gramatically wrong ?)

of course, you can use a mobile phone, 

i know the structure have effect(s) on st, so i think your sentence should be changed

i replace several ...two, because i see there are two supporting ideas in that paragraph, 

Nowadays, we can / or it is easy to make a phone call with our friends almost anywhere, such as in the subway, the countryside or even another countryies.

(here is "another country", so i think it's better no plurual form) 

i think it should be another countries, of course, that is just my idea, hihi

Likewise moreover, we can also text send messages with beautiful photos or even high-quality video clips to share the exciting moment of in our life.

(here it's just another example to support the subthesis, so i htink likewise/similarly is better than a word of progression)

moreover is not a word of progression, it has meaning the same as in addition, to list another example

Apart from that Besides, a mobile phone has also become an important entertainment equipment.

(here you cannot add a before euipment, because equipemnt is uncountable noun)

yes, i made mistake here, thank you.

hi rose2802,

Thanks for your correction , it's really helpful and thought-intriguing.

best wish,

 

It is evident that the use of mobile phones (or has both positive and negative impacts)/ brings us many problems as well as benefits, and thus there is an opinion that the demerits/disadvantages brought by a mobile phone prevail over the merits/advantages. Personally, I disagree with this view (ambiguous, i am not clear what view you disagree with, the first sentence should be separated into two small ones.).

(here why do you want to change merits into advantages? any information?

and it's better to separate the 1st setence into 2 and change "with this view" to "with this opinion")

On the one hand, a mobile phones poses  have some negative effects for on its their users in several two aspects.

(why do you want to change this sentence, gramatically wrong ?)

The first impact is in medical terms. firstly, a long-time use of mobile phones might be harmful for people’s health. It is inevitable that a mobile phone would create a certain level of radiation while being used. Much scientific research has pointed out that such amount of radiation would potentially lead to serious diseases, such as cancer and tumor. Thus a long-time use of mobile phones might harm one’s health. Another second problem often observed is how the inappropriate use of a mobile phone interferes with during people’s activities.

(here, I would like to stick to the way i write. let's wait for other comments :P)

For example, during an important conference, calling or receiving mobile phones during an important conference would distract audience's attention and impair(or decrease) the its quality of the conference.

On the other hand, using a mobile phone can bring about more many benefits.

(here i think , should be "a")

The principle benefit is how a mobile phone to increases the possibility and improves the quality of our contact.

(I dont know if it's right to say increase the quality)

Nowadays, we can / or it is easy to make a phone call with our friends almost anywhere, such as in the subway, the countryside or even another countryies.

(here is "another country", so i think it's better no plurual form)

Likewise moreover, we can also text send messages with beautiful photos or even high-quality video clips to share the exciting moment of in our life.

(here it's just another example to support the subthesis, so i htink likewise/similarly is better than a word of progression)

Apart from that Besides, a mobile phone has also become an important entertainment equipment.

(here you cannot add a before euipment, because equipemnt is uncountable noun)

By Using mobile, users can enjoy video games, listen to the music or and even watch a movie smoothly.

To conclude/or in conclusion, it is inarguable that mobile phones are not perfect so far have both good and bad influences on people's life, but they can produce more valuable and beneficial influences. Thus, However, I am convinced that Mobile phones are extremely beneficial to our daily lives, and their advantages outweigh the disadvantages.  

here are my comments for your writing. Hopefully, you find them useful.

best wish,

It is evident that the use of mobile phones (or has both positive and negative impacts)/ brings us many problems as well as benefits, and thus there is an opinion that the demerits/disadvantages brought by a mobile phone prevail over the merits/advantages. Personally, I disagree with this view (ambiguous, i am not clear what view you disagree with, the first sentence should be separated into two small ones.).

On the one hand, a mobile phones poses  have some negative effects for on its their users in several two aspects. The first impact is in medical terms. firstly, a long-time use of mobile phones might be harmful for people’s health. It is inevitable that a mobile phone would create a certain level of radiation while being used. Much scientific research has pointed out that such amount of radiation would potentially lead to serious diseases, such as cancer and tumor. Thus a long-time use of mobile phones might harm one’s health. Another second problem often observed is how the inappropriate use of a mobile phone interferes with during people’s activities. For example, during an important conference, calling or receiving mobile phones during an important conference would distract audience's attention and impair(or decrease) the its quality of the conference.

On the other hand, using a mobile phone can bring about more many benefits. The principle benefit is how a mobile phone to increases the possibility and improves the quality of our contact. Nowadays, we can / or it is easy to make a phone call with our friends almost anywhere, such as in the subway, the countryside or even another countryies. Likewise moreover, we can also text send messages with beautiful photos or even high-quality video clips to share the exciting moment of in our life. Apart from that Besides, a mobile phone has also become an important entertainment equipment. By Using mobile, users can enjoy video games, listen to the music or and even watch a movie smoothly.

To conclude/or in conclusion, it is inarguable that mobile phones are not perfect so far have both good and bad influences on people's life, but they can produce more valuable and beneficial influences. Thus, However, I am convinced that Mobile phones are extremely beneficial to our daily lives, and their advantages outweigh the disadvantages.  

It is evident that the use of mobile phones brings us many problems as well as benefits, and thus there is an opinion that the demerits brought by a mobile phone prevail over the merits. Personally, I disagree with this view.

On the one hand, a mobile phone poses some negative effects for its user in several aspects. The first impact is in medical terms. It is inevitable that a mobile phone would create a certain level of radiation while being used .Much scientific research has pointed out that such amount of radiation would potentially lead to serious diseases, such as cancer and tumor. Thus a long-time use of mobile phones might harm one’s health. Another problem often observed is how the inappropriate use of a mobile phone interferes with people’s activities. For example, during an important conference, calling or receiving mobile phones would distract audience attention and impair the quality of the conference.

On the other hand, a mobile phone can bring about more benefits. The principle benefit is how a mobile phone increases the possibility and improves the quality of our contact. Nowadays, we can make a phone call with our friends almost anywhere, such as in the subway, the countryside or even another country. Likewise, we can also text messages with beautiful photos or even high-quality video clips to share the exciting moment of our life. Apart from that, a mobile phone has also become important entertainment equipment. By mobile, users can enjoy video games, listen to the music or even watch a movie smoothly.

To conclude, it is inarguable that mobile phones are not perfect so far, but they can produce more valuable and beneficial influences. Thus, I am convinced that their advantages outweigh the disadvantages.