Your essay is fine. It meets the academic style requirements you mentioned.

When 'Essays' in her comment says that maybe you could be more specific I think she means shorter or more tightly edited. Some sentences could definitely do with editing to make them shorter!  (She must have overlooked your intro which said that this is not an IELTS essay, so no worries over the word length).

You wrote:

Basing on the existing situation, this essay will classify some kinds of problems, which are financial problems, environment-related disadvantage and emotion. (21 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

This essay will examine problems with money, a new environment and homesickness.  (12 words)

Here are three more of your sentences:

On the other hand, a common issue of the society is the constant increase of the living cost. For example, all fundamental elements such as water, electricity, fuel show an upward trend, whereas the salary and also the financial aids for students stay stable. It results in the high demand for finding a part-time job, which may affects their studying result. (61 words, three sentences, 20.5 words per sentence,)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Money is another problem. Water, electricity and fuel prices seem to go up all the time, while the student’s budget stays the same. This forces them to find part-time work, and this may affect their results. (36 words, 12.0 per sentence)

Verb Tense

• severe conflicts might be happened → conflict might happen
• Students now live independently and do everything base on their own decision → Students now live independently and do everything based on their own decision

Ideas

The truth is that students from the countryside have better motivation which leads to higher appreciation. →

You have a new and very interesting idea here about rural students having higher motivation, but it’s not a good idea to introduce new topics at the end of the essay.

Overall I can't see any major problems other than some unnecessary words. Good work. Thanks Essays for your comments.

I am afraid your essay is too long consisting about 417 words. We just have forty minutes to write the task 2 essay.

your ideas are great and varying. Its good but in my view you need to make your essay fine by including only the specific points. this will not only make your essay good looking but lessen the chances of making grammatical error as well. 

Best of luck!!!!!!!

Leaving home for educational purpose has become very familiar with almost students, especially who come from the countryside. Because of the large benefits of studying in universities and colleges, students have to stay far from their parents and approach a new environment. As a result, a lot of difficulties are waiting for these young people. Basing on the existing situation, this essay will classify some kinds of problems, which are financial problems, environment-related disadvantage and emotion.

First of all, finance is a common problem students have to cope with. Basically, they receive little or even no help from their parents. Students now live independently and do everything base on their own decision, which totally contrasts whith the days since they were born. Moreover, with little knowledge on financial management, students confront the difficulty of how to make use of their supported money efficiently. On the other hand, a common issue of the society is the constant increase of the living cost. For example, all fundamental elements such as water, electricity, fuel show an upward trend, whereas the salary and also the financial aids for students stay stable. It results in the high demand for finding a part-time job, which may affects their studying result.

Next, no one can deny the problem of different lifestyle between the countryside and the city. Colleges and universities are located mostly in big city which have an active environment. However, many students come from the countryside and the act of getting familiar with the noisy city in a short period is really difficult. For instance, some rural people cope with language difference, which may leads to some misunderstand in communication. Besides, severe conflicts might be happened due to the fact that a part of citizens have the habit of looking down on people from rural areas.

Finally, young people, especially female ones, may have some emotional difficulties. The most common feeling is homesick when they move to an environment with a lot of strangers instead of their parents. Coming after homesickness are loneliness or even fear. These negative emotions would become severe if the students themselves are not strong enough to overcome.

In summary, difficulties of getting familiar with the new environment and problems of both finance and emotion are unavoidable factors in student life. However, instead of complaining about these disadvantages, each student should prepare carefully and make a good plan for themselves. The truth is that students from the countryside have better motivation which leads to higher appreciation.