Thanks for taking the time to rewrite. You essay is now under 300 words (good!) and has an average sentence length of  13.95 (fine!) and a clear layout. You have interesting examples and a good conclusion which summarizes your ideas.

One thing about editing is that it takes courage to rewrite: it's often not just a case of moving a few words or sentences around. There are a few things I’d change, but you’ve put enough effort into this essay already. Let's have a look at another one!

When is your IELTS test?

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, we go through thousands of posters, billboards and fliers. Some people feel that the power of marketing campaign drives the popularity of certain merchandise. Others believe that commercials simply help individuals decide what they want. This essay will examine the influence of advertising on consumer purchasing decisions.

Obviously, there are a host of advertisements which stimulate costumers buy things unnecessarily and extravagantly. Firstly, many commercials are broadcasted in mass media, displaying products gorgeously and attractively. Consequently, audiences often buy goods without enough considerations. Another point is that some misleading commercials entice people to spend money. For example, some OTC drug producers exaggerate the effects of their products in pursuit of high sales. Thirdly, promotion campaigns aim to create a fashionable trend among population widely. Some people, especially adolescents, are persuaded to follow the latest trends blindly and impulsively. Stories abound in school that youngsters buy goods their favorite celebrities advertise, regardless of a student’s real need.

However, although advertisements inform us about the choices we have, advertising alone do not affect all customers. Admittedly, consumers are constrained by their income level. Accordingly, an impoverished farmer is less likely to buy a Ferrari after watching a supercar advertising film. Furthermore, our spending habits are largely influenced by our close friends and relatives. This is why we usually consider our relatives’ opinion prior to buying furniture or a property. The third point is that sales always correspond to customers’ habits of life. For instance, my grandfather will continue to subscribe newspapers despite of the influential Amazon’s Kindle advertisement.

In conclusion, I think advertising can affect consumers’ buying habit to some extent. Nevertheless, if we want to buy something, our decision-making processes will be additionally influenced by our income, relatives and lifestyle.

Total Word Count:    293

Total Unique Words:       196

Number of Sentences:    21

Average Sentence Length:     13.95

Number of Paragraphs:           1

Hard Words:   62 (21.16%)

Lexical Density:       66.89%

Fog Index:       14.05

Thanks for this essay. You seem to be working very hard!

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

Watch out for the word ‘let.’ I noticed that you used it in a strange way in another essay as well.

• commercials simply let people to know their own demands → commercials simply let people know their own needs  OR commercials simply help people decide what they want
• some reasons for the high selling →some reasons for the high sales/

There are three parts of the essay that need some work.

Thesis

Make sure you tackle the question more in a thesis sentence. Get the keyword in there – in this case the keyword ‘advertising’.  Don’t change the topic! You wrote:

This essay will examine some reasons for the high selling of popular goods.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

This essay will examine the influence of advertising on consumer purchasing decisions.

Paragraph Two

The first idea needs re-organization or rewriting. You wrote:

Firstly, people have a habit of collecting goods information from advertisements. This is because these materials illustrate products in graphic detail through photographs and videos.

The phrase ‘this is because’ is not a very smooth or logical link (see Coherence and Cohesion under the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version).  Are you just trying to say that ads are good because they give us useful information?  If so, this could be one rewrite:

Firstly, many people enjoy watching or reading advertisements. The photographs, videos and specifications in ads help them to decide which product to buy or if it meets their needs.

But I’m not quite sure this is what you mean, because the second idea in Paragraph Two is negative. You wrote:

Secondly, there are many misleading commercials that entice people pay for unnecessary goods. Some OTC drug producers, for example, exaggerate the effects of their products in the mass media.

To join this to my idea above, I’d need to change ‘secondly’ to ‘however.’

Paragraph Three: Puzzle!

In Paragraph Three you wrote that ‘high sales are also attributed to some social factors.’ Here I would not have put economic factors (the farmer and the Ferrari) under social factors. A topic sentence should cover all the ideas in the paragraph.

If you are answering the question:

Does advertising make us buy things we don't need?

...I would suggest one of the following two layouts:

Layout and Organization

Basically if you think no, you are not very influenced by ads and they don’t make you buy stuff you don’t want, you would have this layout:

• Intro
• Yes, advertising does affect some people sometimes  (e.g. kidneys for ipads, OTC drugs)
• No it doesn’t affect most people (social limits, economic limits, family and friends keep people sensible)
• Conclusion

If you think yes, advertising is too powerful to resist, you would have this layout:

• Intro
• There are some good things about ads  (helpful info)
• But advertising generally is dangerous and makes us buy stuff (kidneys for iPads, etc)
• Conclusion

What do you think? It’s a fairly simple Yes/No question, and the layout will depend on your opinion. I think your layout of ideas was not as clear as in your tourist essay, for example.

Best regards,

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

 Step 1: Read the question

Opinion

Step 2: Underline key words

Today = nowadays, these days, now, currently, at the moment, at present

Sale = transaction, deal, trade, selling, volume of trade

Popular = popularity (n)

Consumer = buyer, purchaser, shopper, customer

Goods = merchandise, things, wares, stock, product

Reflect = reveal, expose, suggest, signal, indicate, show

Advertising = publicity, promotion, marketing, public relations

Advertisement = commercial, poster, billboard, flier,

Real = truly

Need = demand, necessity

Society = civilization, the public

 Step 3: Get Ideas

Power of advertising:

1. People’s habits

2. Can entice audiences

3. Fashionable trend

Real of the society

1. Consumers’ income

2. Our relatives’ opinions

3. Customers’ habits of life

 Step 4: Decide Layout

This essay will discuss both sides, so I will use the 3773 layout.

Step 5: Write!

Nowadays, we go through thousands of posters, billboards and fliers. Some people feel that the power of marketing campaign drives the popularity of certain merchandise. Others believe that commercials simply let people to know their own demands. This essay will examine some reasons for the high selling of popular goods.

It is claimed that powerful advertising increases volume of trade for three reasons. Firstly, people have a habit of collecting goods information from advertisements. This is because these materials illustrate products in graphic detail through photographs and videos. Secondly, there are many misleading commercials that entice people pay for unnecessary goods. Some OTC drug producers, for example, exaggerate the effects of their products in the mass media. Thirdly, promotion campaigns create a fashionable trend among population potentially and widely. Some people, especially adolescents, tend to follow fashions blindly. Recent report of students selling their kidneys or trading their virginity for iPhone and iPad show that advertising are driving some consumers.

However, the high sales are also attributed to some social factors. Obviously, consumers are constrained by their income level. Accordingly, an impoverished farmer is less likely to buy a Ferrari after watching a supercar advertising film. Furthermore, we usually consider our relatives’ opinion prior to shopping. That is why there are so many married couples shopping together at IKEA. Lastly, sales always correspond to customers’ habits of life. For instance, my grandfather will continue to subscribe newspapers despite of the influential Amazon’s Kindle advertisement.

In conclusion, marketing strategies conducted by sales can affect shoppers’ propensity to some extent. Nevertheless, if we want to buy something, our decision-making processes will be additionally influenced by our revenues, relatives and lifestyle. 

Readability Calculator

Number of characters (without spaces): 1,609.00
Number of words: 279.00
Number of sentences: 21.00
Average number of characters per word: 5.77
Average number of syllables per word: 1.89
Average number of words per sentence: 13.29

Gunning Fog index: 14.20
Coleman Liau index: 15.91
Flesch Kincaid Grade level: 11.92
ARI (Automated Readability Index): 12.38
SMOG: 13.28
Flesch Reading Ease: 33.25