Thank you so much for your time, I know it takes you long time to write these comments and this is so valuable for me. I will try to use them completely in exam.

I will come back again after announcing the exam result. I hope that I will get a good result. Everything that I know about writing and how to write is come from your precious website.

I wasn’t quite sure if your post was an edited version of Pedram’s essay or if it was a comment on it. An introduction is always nice!

Anyway, welcome to Writefix, and I hope you can help out by commenting on some of the other essays here.  I’ve removed the hyperlinks from your original post.

Vocabulary

'Omolgated' is spelled homologated. Similarly, autoctonous is spelled autochtonous. Nobody uses either word: ‘homogeneous’/’bland’ or ‘local’ would be fine.

For Band 8, the requirement for vocabulary is that the candidate “skillfully uses uncommon lexical items but there may be occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation.” (Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Lexical Resource.)

I would divert your skills into choosing less ostentatious words and trying to express yourself as simply as possible.  Extremely low frequency words like these are not required, and they don’t make your essay stronger. They draw unnecessary attention to themselves.

And they jar with mistakes in simpler phrases like these:

• Countries that live mainly of tourism → Countries that live mainly on tourism
• Trade competition make their goods unsellable → Trade competition makes their goods unsellable
• Countries reach in natural risources → Countries rich in natural resources
• New hotels are build along costs → New hotels are built along coasts
• a part from being a touristy destination → apart from being a touristy destination
• In exchange of a few coins →  In exchange for a few coins
• in search for themselves → in search of themselves
• for people to easly travel to→ for people to travel easily to

Arguments and Ideas

The essay is replete with ideas and examples. They are all good, but some are generalizations or not fully supported. Just adding some qualifying words would help:

The most striking aspect about tourism is the disfigurement that it causes everywhere. → The most striking aspect about tourism is the disfigurement that it frequently/almost inevitably/almost always causes.

Yes, in a post on your personal blog you are perfectly entitled to use the first version. It is a deliberate choice of words. But in an IELTS essay it’s better to avoid the charge of generalization, which could drop you from a Band 8 to a Band 7. (Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task response, and look for the words “a tendency to overgeneralise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus.”)

Similarly in your third paragraph, you suggest:

Corporations dictate what can be exported

This may certainly be true. But you need to relate it more clearly to the essay topic of tourism and perhaps to provide an example (e.g. Morocco, Brazil, the Maldives, the Ivory Coast, Malta, Zimbabwe - anywhere, really) of where exports are deliberately downgraded and tourism given preference in order to enslave local populations.

What band are you hoping for?

You are so close. Download the descriptors and aim for 'rare minor errors,' 'very natural and sophisticated control of lexical features,' and 'fully extended and well supported ideas.' I can see very few problems with cohesion. And if in doubt, always go for the simpler word. Don't end up with a Band 7.

I know you are anxious about your test on Saturday, so I will add a few comments here.

Weird Topic

I am really amazed at this topic -  I can’t believe it’s an IELTS topic!  Where did it come from? Are there really places in the world where people are not allowed to develop and instead live like exhibits in museums or zoos? 

Where, exactly? Grumpy Amish famers in Pennsylvania, perhaps, or long-necked women in Thailand, or reluctant gondoliers in Venice, forced to get up every morning and endure hours of smelly canals and interminable accordion music, when they all would be much happier working in Starbucks.

And what it is the statement we are supposed to agree or disagree with - the fact that many tourists are visiting, or the absurd claim that tourism stops people from developing?

I’m always very skeptical about ‘IELTS topics’  -  unless I see the question with my own eyes I don’t believe it.

Anyway, let me try to give a few comments, regardless of the ridiculous question!

Intro

You wrote:

The advantages of issue leads to accelerate the developing process; while, the drawback causes to some struggle with modern and traditional lifestyles.

This needs to be simplified and shortened and it needs concrete examples.

Hmmm.

Thinking…

Still thinking...

OK, I’ve now thought about it for five minutes, and I can’t do anything with it. I’m going to leave the entire sentence out.  It doesn’t say anything really, and doesn’t add to your essay.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• When tourists come to a country, they take many advantages with themselves → 

  Tourism can have many advantages for a country.               OR    
  Tourism brings many advantages.

You wrote:

The main benefit that the country can gain from tourists is an extensive income which can help the country to improve their infrastructures. (23 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

The main benefit is income which can help the country to improve its infrastructure. (14 words)

Cohesion

You wrote:

Due to the fact of tourism, other country shows their tendency to invest money. 

This would be better and clearer if you had some cohesive device such as ‘secondly,’ ‘furthermore,’ or ‘in addition.’ (Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion.)

Pronoun reference

You wrote:

other country shows their tendency to invest money

The pronoun reference to ‘other country’ is not clear. Here’s one possible rewrite, fully developed:

Secondly,/A second benefit is that/Another advantage is that tourism links can also lead to increased investment. As visitors enjoy and learn more about a country's products and services, they may begin to trade with or invest in the country.

Verb Tense

• the culture of local people and tourists mixed together →

  the cultures of the local people and the tourists are mixed together      OR           
  the culture of the locals and tourists mix

Punctuation: Commas

• Although, this matter can help the country to develop faster →  Although this can help the country to develop faster,

‘Although’ doesn’t need a comma.

Ideas

In Paragraph Three You wrote:

There is a big discrepancy between modern lifestyle and traditional one and this makes people bewildered. Some people find it difficult to adopt themselves with modern lifestyle.

Pedram -  you only have one idea in Paragraph Three. There are no examples. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response.  What is the ‘discrepancy’? How do people find it difficult to adapt? We need examples.

Look at Band 6 : “presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed” or look at Band 4: “presents some main ideas but … not well supported” 

I know you want a higher grade, so make sure to have ideas and to support them fully with examples!

Conclusion: Keep it short!

Just by looking at the conclusion we can see immediately that it is much longer than either of your two body paragraphs. Why???

There should be no new ideas in the conclusion. Just summarize both sides, and give your opinion. Nothing new -  just a restatement, your opinion, and perhaps a look to the future. Why do you mention Dubai? This should be in the body somewhere.

You can read more about conclusions here.

Empty phrases

Avoid empty words such as ‘matter’ ‘issue’ ‘in this regard’

On or Off Topic

I’ve kept the worst news until the last: your essay is off-topic.

You have looked at the effects of tourism. This is  not what the question asked. The question is ridiculous, but if it is really an IELTS question, then we have to answer it. You have discussed (sort of) the advantages and disadvantages of tourism. The question asked if people in some tourist destinations were trapped or not being allowed to develop. So you would lose marks again on being off-topic.

Finally...

Sorry to give you such bad news before your exam date, but it’s important that you concentrate, underline the question until you are sure what it is looking for, and spend 5-10 minutes brainstorming.  Avoid padding with empty phrases, and give lots of examples. 

Countries that live mainly of tourism are evidently prevented from developing in other sectors because most of the available jobs are tourism-related. But of course it's not individual tourists who stop people from working in other industries: it must be the whole economic system. Corporations dictate what can be exported. Countries reach in natural risources are forced to import food that they could produce themselves. Trade competition make their goods unsellable. Of course these countries live on tourism!

The most striking aspect about tourism is the disfigurement that it causes everywhere. New hotels are build along costs to fit in masses of tourists. Touristy places around the world are all quite alike. When I went to Marocco a few years ago, there was a famous kasba visitors had to see. Because the kasba was not in use anymore, a part from being a touristy destination, some local people had moved in to give the tourists what they wanted to see: autoctonous people. In exchange of a few coins they would show the visitors their hovels and themselves! This example shows how tourism transforms traditional ways of living  into a facade that hides deep inequality.

In conclusion, if on one side it is amazing how easly it has become to visit any corner of the world, on the other side, this "openness" makes it difficult for developing countries to safeguard their territory, lifestyle and traditions, and this is in my opinion far worse than not being able to become "modern" like first world countries.

Those who live in modern countries are keen to take a trip to developing countries and see their traditional lifestyles. This attraction has some merits and demerits. The advantages of issue leads to accelerate the developing process; while, the drawback causes to some struggle with modern and traditional lifestyles. In this essay, I will explain how these tourists affect the developing countries.

When tourists come to a country, they take many advantages with themselves. The main benefit that the country can gain from tourists is an extensive income which can help the country to improve their infrastructures. Due to the fact of tourism, other country shows their tendency to invest money.  As a result, the relationship and trade between two countries expand.

On the other hand, when tourists step into the country, the culture of local people and tourists mixed together. Although, this matter can help the country to develop faster, it has some negative impacts. There is a big discrepancy between modern lifestyle and traditional one and this makes people bewildered. Some people find it difficult to adopt themselves with modern lifestyle.

In conclusion, increasing number of tourists, help the country develop faster by extending the income of country and boosting up local industries as we can see such an example in Dubai. In spite of that, government has to remember that these tourists come to their country because of their traditional lifestyle attractions. Therefore they have to preserve these attractions. In regard to this issue, government has to improve the local people culture in one hand and provide some facilities for tourists in another hand.