Some people believe that the increasing business and cultural contact between countries has positive effects while others think it will cause countries to lose their identities. Do you agree or disagree?

As Brian suggests, can you find the question and reply here with it? I don't know the topic, so I can't say how your essay answers it.

Hope to hear from you soon.

welcome to writefix , I think it would be much better if you sent your question completely. I said this because in IELTS the question is very imortant in terms of TASK response. By looking quickly at your essay one releases that you could join the 3st and 4st paragraph to each other. to make it easy to read.

cheers,

The main advantage of knowing many cultures is that individuals to be social people and closer to each others by better ways in communication with strange people.

Other advantage is that contacting with cultures lead to lots of information from host society such as language, traditions habits and other things.

A further advantage is that familiarity with many cultures makes strong economic relations and decreases tension between nations and countries. For example, European Union is a good sample of this situation which has made European countries as a well-known successful economic and politic community in the world by a unique policy and shared currency. In addition, this contacts and relations develop tourism industry. Through these years, tourism industry has become one aspect for attraction of nations and countries.

  On the other hand, lack of familiarity of culture and traditions of people may lead to misunderstanding and tension between different communities. For instance, many wars have occurred in the world regarding this misunderstanding in the past, which they have decreased because of communication progress.

In conclusion, I think that the travelers and businessmen achieve many experiences in abroad contacts during their working-life (job/occupation) and those experiences help them to overcome many difficulties.