I think you have done a very good job with this essay. You have lots of ideas here, and most of them are well-supported.  Your sentences are relevant to the topic.  There are a few awkward phrases and syntax errors and a few inappropriate vocabulary choices, but meaning is generally clear.

You  have “a clear central topic in each paragraph,” and  you “present, extend and support main ideas,” although some need more development – see the  official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version).

Organization and structure

I don’t think you need to change anything here. I’m happy with the layout. Perhaps a stronger thesis sentence would be good, and you haven’t really talked about families even though you mentioned in the intro.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• There are some reasonable factors triggering this phenomenon  → It’s easy to understand why/ there are simple reasons for this phenomenon / It’s not hard to understand why fast food has become so popular

• It should be ordinaries’ right to order the menus on their tables → Everyone has the right to eat what they want / It should be anyone’s’ right to order what they want

• We should not concern that excessively. → We should not be too concerned about that./We should not be excessively concerned about foreign food. / Having a diversified food culture is not a bad thing or something we should be too concerned about.

• [Young people] need less time on dining or relaxed vibe for a break in afternoon.  → They prefer fast food either because they have less time to eat or because they just want to enjoy a relaxed atmosphere for an afternoon break.

• Undeniable, these imported food patterns have their own drawbacks → Undeniably, these imported food patterns have their own drawbacks

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

• Any country can’t find a way of only receiving international finance and refusing accompanied food culture

Here are some possible rewrites:

• We cannot accept foreign investment or workers but refuse the food that comes with it.
• It’s unreasonable to encourage foreign investment but refuse to accept the same food

Articles/Plurals

• The reasons for its popularity are standardized producing process, reliable and quality ingredients and comfortable dinning atmosphere in a western restaurant. →

  The reasons for its popularity are (the) standardized producing processes, reliable and quality ingredients and the comfortable dinning atmosphere in a western restaurant.  

• Last, young generation who are living in a fast paced society → Last, the young generation who are living in a fast paced society...

Overall...

Overall, great work and well done. Some great sentences and ideas and good organization, as well as some less common (and uncommon) lexical items.  Apart from that, your essay is actually interesting as it gives a glimpse of attitudes to local and international restaurants. However, try to keep below 300 words!

International fast foods, like MacDonald and KFC, have spread all over the world. There are some reasonable factors triggering this phenomenon although many people in different countries worry about its negative effects on families and social culture. I think there should not be to much unnecessary concern on this matter.

When a country is being involved in globalization, accepting exotic foods is a natural and unavoidable thing. Firstly, So-called international fast foods are just what foreigners eat in their countries every day. They come into a new country following international markets and investments. Secondly, the reasons for its popularity are standardized producing process, reliable and quality ingredients and comfortable dinning atmosphere in a western restaurant. These factors are just shortcomings in normal restaurants in developing countries. Last, young generation who are living in a fast paced society favor fast food because they need less time on dining or relaxed vibe for a break in afternoon. Based on above reasons we should not worry about foreign fast foods penetration in a country.

Undeniable, these imported food patterns have their own drawbacks. Many of them are fried meats or cheese and lack of vegetables. It is not a nutritional balanced diet and obesity has become common among teenagers. Furthermore, the attractive dining style means cultural input. As a result some countries traditional value about cuisine and life style has been influenced gradually. Nevertheless, I think we can’t say this evolution is good or negative because we live in a globalized time.

All in all, in modern society the flow of foreign food patterns is an inevitable result due to globalization. Any country can’t find a way of only receiving international finance and refusing accompanied food culture. It should be ordinaries’ right to order the menus on their tables. After all, diversified food culture is not a bad thing. We should not concern that excessively.