Anyway,thank you all so much and I'm keeping writting and hope you can read my new essays~~

I'm sorry that you lost your comment after spending so much time.

I've learned the hard way that it's better to copy and paste from Microsoft Word.

If my comment is longer than a sentence, I don't answer it here, but type it in Word and then paste it. I've lost so much work by typing directly into this box and then something going wrong.

So I know how you feel!

A big thanks to DavidLee and to Ruby2011 as well for their comments.  I agree with both of them that the biggest problems are punctuation and long sentences.

Let's put it into some of the readability links at the top of this page, under 'Useful Links.'  

Punctuation

Secondly your punctuation is all over the place at the moment. However, I think it's going to be an easy problem to fix!

Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Grammar and Accuracy. (The link is at the top of the page again.) For Band 4, the phrase is "punctuation is often faulty."  It doesn't matter if you have good ideas (you do) or great structures (you do) - the examiner can only give you the exact mark for each of the four criteria in the descriptors. It would be disappointing to get 7, 7, 7, 4, for example!

Average Sentence Length

From now on, have no sentence longer than 25 words, as DavidLee suggests. At present, you have three sentences with over 38 words. The chances of error in agreement and in syntax with long sentences are huge, as is the possibility of the examiner having a huge headache and of ideas getting very complicated. 

Your average sentence should be between 12 and 15 words, not 20.4 as it is now. Add some short sentences. Break up long ones. Topic sentences (at the start of each body paragraph) can very often be short:

• It's true that our resources are limited. 
• We often hear that charity begins at home.
• Our world is getting smaller.
• We live in a shrinking planet.

No, More, Commas

Avoid commas. Do not use them to join sentences that should be separate. As Ruby2011 notes, you have run-on sentences and comma splices everywhere. Learn more about comma splices and run-on sentences here. 

Have only one or two ideas in a sentence. It's not just a punctuation problem (the criteria for Grammar and Accuracy) -  it's part of Coherence and Cohesion. Coherence and Cohesion in IELTS just means how you link your ideas and sentences. (See band 6: "cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty." As DavidLee suggests, just remove some of the links, break up the monster sentences, and let the ideas flow naturally. 

I don't need to go over grammar issues because you don't have many problems in this area. Take 35 minutes, rewrite the essay just remembering to write short sentences (put one space AFTER each comma and full-stop) and add some short sentences. If you feel the urge to use a comma, go for a walk and come back after the urge is gone.

Print out this sample IELTS Writing Task 2 Answer sheet from the official IELTS website, and practice writing by hand in 35 - 40 minutes. For most people, 300 words is about a page and a half. There are 20 lines on each side. 

Thanks for your essay, and thanks again to DavidLee and Ruby2011. Looking forward to some great essays here! 

I think that your essay has some mistakes like mine

Individuals and countries can not help everyone who need help in the world ,so we should be only concerned about our own communities and countries.Do you agree or disagree?

 

Despite the development of the whole world for several decades,there are still a large number of people waiting for pour help,which ignites a heated debate ,that is,should we restrict our help to our ownm communinities and countries only(It may be a run on sentence).I tend to believe that is the last thing we should do.(I dont quite understand what U mean here,u should write it more clearly)

 

Some people nurture the belief (hold firm believe )that the limitation of our ability and resources leaves us no choice but to use all the resources for the sake of our own communities and countries,arguing that we cannot help others at the expense of our own citizens' well-beings.In addition, it does not really make sense that we help those who have no relations with us.(This paragraph lacks coherence and cohesion.U dont state your opinion clearly and support it well.also watch out for run on sentence)

 

It is true that the resources are limited,but this fact does not mean that we could only help people of our own country. The limitation of resources,in actual fact, asks us to help the people who need that most and who cannot live without that .It is much more meaningful than giving help to people living in our own countries who do not need it urgently.

 

Further,in a world of globalisation,everyone is related to others (each other).We are all human beings,sharing one earth,for which reason it is our obligations to help others across the boundaries of communities and countries .In addition,that is also beneficial for the optimisation of global resources and the boom of efficiency.(not clear)

 

On the whole,we need to help others regardless of the differences of races and nations not only because of the nature of human beings, but also for the sake of ourselves, for we can receive help more efficiently and even from the outside of our communities and nations.

U should watch out for repitition,run-on,cliche or generic sentence and have a look at the basic structure of a paragraph.This must your first essays and u are still affected by the writing styles of other cultures.I advise you to make an outline,too.Otherwise thanks for urs and this is only my personal opinion.dont be irritate with that)))

Thank you so much for your advice.I really appreciate it .Hope you can get a good grade in your exam~~BTW,I have a feeling that your English is very well,at least better than me.haha~~

Best wishes

Emily

Hi,DavidLee,thank you for your advice.I'm going to take ilets exam on August 25,and I am really nervous.Could you please tell me what main problems about my essay?I really want to improve it.thank you very much!

Alwrite. I ll try, but my essays is not so good too.

1. Grammar mistakes. If u check ur essay, u ll find some sentences dont make any sense. I d like to use a tool to help me find ur grammar mistakes. Unfortunately, except the punctuation problems (you type the punctuation in wrong way. U see, behind the punctuation type a space enter) u have at least 15 mistakes in ur essay. I guess it achieve the demand in band 6 in grammar part (make some mistakes)

2. Long sentences. It is the reason which led to the tons of mistakes in ur essay. Just cut it down. I remembered in yesterday, I dont understand some meaning in ur sentence, its hard to comprehend.

3. Repetitive conjunction. Such as "It is true that", "in addition" , "further", "Some people nurture the belief that " Some conjunction which is good, but plenty of those kind of meaningless pharses is annoying.

4. The idea of ur opinion. I guess if u want to decribe both opinion, u should give three pros and cons in the essay. The narration could persuade the examiner is important.

5. The choose of lexical choice. The complex (hard) word is rare and the sentence pattern is restricted.

I guess this is ur problem, I cant do it well to. Dont worry, u still have enough time to correct it. BTW, I ll take the exam in Sep 1. So just work hard and believe urself.

Come on!

 Best regards

 

David

Anyway, I just want to talk about your essay. There are some gramma mistakes in your essay, and some sentences is way too long. Cut it down could help you make less mistakes in your essay.

Some sentences is repeated a lot in this essay, like your part 3. This is not like an Ielts essay, look at the link at the top and you will learn something from it.

For instance, this is your sentence.

On the whole,we need to help others regardless of the differences of races and nations not only because of the nature of human beings, but also for the sake of ourselves, for we can receive help more efficiently and even from the outside of our communities and nations.

Here is my rewrite.

The assistant should not seperate from race or nationality and they should join force to cope with the problems faced in some countries. Cooperation across different nations could increase the efficiency and stimulate the development of the sencience. I believe that the tendency of the future is cooperating and assimilating.

Hope it will be helpful.

Best regards

Despite the development of the whole world for several decades,there are still a large number of people waiting for pour help,which ignites a heated debate ,that is,should we restrict our help to our ownm communinities and countries only.I tend to believe that is the last thing we should do.

Some people nurture the belief that the limitation of our ability and resources leaves us no choice but to use all the resources for the sake of our own communities and countries,arguing that we cannot help others at the expense of our own citizens' well-beings.In addition, it does not really make sense that we help those who have no relations with us.

It is true that the resources are limited,but this fact does not mean that we could only help people of our own country. The limitation of resources,in actual fact, asks us to help the people who need that most and who cannot live without that .It is much more meaningful than giving help to people living in our own countries who do not need it urgently.

Further,in a world of globalisation,everyone is related to others .We are all human beings,sharing one earth,for which reason it is our obligations to help others across the boundaries of communities and countries .In addition,that is also beneficial for the optimisation of global resources and the boom of efficiency.

On the whole,we need to help others regardless of the differences of races and nations not only because of the nature of human beings, but also for the sake of ourselves, for we can receive help more efficiently and even from the outside of our communities and nations.