Thanks for this essay.

Introduction

I like your opening question. Many people claim that questions are not allowed in IELTS. If they can show me where this is mentioned in the descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing, then perhaps I will change my opinion.

I’m not so fond of your second sentence. The idea is not clear. The problem is the passive (‘it is also claimed’). You wrote:

Certain people are born with particular talents, while it is also claimed that any child could be a good athlete or musician.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Certain people seem to be born with particular talents, while some seem to excel through hard work and dedication.  OR

Is talent something you must be born with, or can anyone become a virtuoso or sports star though practice? 

Yes, I know it's another question. You can have too many questions, and, after all, you are supposed to be answering the questions, not asking them. But it makes the first question you wrote clearer.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage/Agreement

• God sent talents → God-given
• The diligence of these people are often neglected  → The diligence of these people is often neglected
• he did not think he need to go to school → he did not think he needed to go to school
• a well known story in China → well-known story in China [compound adjectives are usually hyphenated]
• Ten years later Zhongyong became a common farmer, can not even write a word.  → Ten years later Zhongyong became a common farmer who could not write a word.
• I hope God would send me certain talents → I wish God would send me certain talents OR    I wish God had given me certain talents

There are a lot of good things about this essay -  the word count, the average sentence length, the variety of sentences, and, generally, the layout. But one thing I'm not quite clear of is the difference between the two paragraphs. Would the very interesting Zhongyong story fit better in Para 2, or would the second sentence from Para 2 go better in Para 3?

What is more important, talent or practice? Certain people are born with particular talents, while it is also claimed that any child could be a good athlete or musician. Personally, I believe that hard work is essential for everyone to achieve anything,while natural talents would greatly accelerate our progress.

Practice makes perfect. On the one hand, talented people with little practice would achieve nothing. God sent talents and constant practice should go hand in hand so as to fulfill one's potential. On the other hand,  if they work hard, children with little or no talent would  become more useful adults than talented but idle people. According to a famous inventor, talents are comprised by 99% of hard work and by 1% of pure "talents".

Undenibly, talents do exist and would be of great help in one's development. Successful peope are often regarded as "talented". However, the diligence of these people are often neglected by those who want to be successful but are unwilling to pay the price. Zhongyong, talented boy in a well known story in China, was so smart that he could write great poems when he was only five years old. His father was so proud of him that he did not think he need to go to school for further learning. Ten years later Zhongyong became a common farmer, can not even write a word.

Personally, I hope God would send me certain talents, because it would save me great efforts to achieve something. But talented people still need to practice, to work hard in order to be successful. Afterall, practice makes perfect.