You’ve used a lot of generic structures in your essay. You’ve generally used them correctly (not always!), which a lot of writers don’t do, but the effect is still deadening, heavy and turgid. It sounds like an essay written by a machine, rather than by Victor Chan.

As Brian suggested, don’t be afraid to say “I” and “you.”  It’s an opinion essay, and the IELTS essay prompt asks to give examples from your own knowledge and experience. So tell us about competition or cooperation in your life.

The essay improves markedly in Paragraphs Two and Three where you go past the generic structures and instead just write.

I won't even mention the conclusion.

Introductions

Instead of the ridiculously over-used “topic of discussion/heated debate/contentious issue/matter of concern/frequently discussed/ topic of debate,” you can start with a story, a definition, a description of the situation, a comparison of the past and present, a question, a comparison of your country and another country, a comparison of your opinion and what other people think. You can read more about Introductions here.  (If you are very skilled, you can use a quote, but I don’t recommend it.)

Many IELTS examiners will look at your introduction, read it - and ignore it. They will go straight to a part of your essay where there is text or script that looks original and is closely related to the topic and is therefore very unlikely to have been memorized. If there are mistakes in that original part, you will still be rewarded for taking the risk and trying to express yourself: if there are no mistakes, well then you are on your way to a really good score.

You won’t get penalized for using standardized introductions/conclusions and generic phrases or sentences (unless you memorize an entire essay or format), but you won’t get a high mark either. It depends what you want.

Where is your thesis sentence? Help the reader and help yourself by signposting the essay (read more about Thesis sentences).

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

Don’t overuse ‘tend to.’ You've used it twice, again.

Don't use the word 'irrefutably.' Nobody uses it, except for academics and retired army colonels in letters to the Times. Fusty, dusty, and inappropriate.

• they are easily to be hurt → they are not easily hurt  OR they are easily hurt [Not clear -  you need to explain this idea more.]
• Students being taught to beat their opponents have strong confidence → Students who have been taught to beat their opponents have strong confidence  OR Students who are taught to beat their opponents are confident
• if a student win a game →  if a student wins a game
• once every single individual participate → once every single individual participates
• despite the fact that competitive youths may win some competition → [repetition] although competition is an important and unavoidable part of life

Punctuation

• Children have strong feelings about the group, the community as well.  → Children have strong feelings about the group and the community.

You wrote:

Only if all the members involved collaborate with each other, will they accomplish tasks effectively and efficiently.

No comma needed. See here.

Looking forward to seeing some more essays by the real human Victor here soon!

Yes, good advice from Brian. Usually the listening exam is first 35-40 minutes, after a long time registering and doing all the paperwork and then the reading (one hour, which is never enough) and then an hour for the writing. And many people still have to sit around for a few hours waiting for the speaking (sometimes it's done on a separate day). So it's a long day and it is tiring. Try to get some sleep, and try to practice writing against the clock by hand before the exam.

Here's a link to a sample IELTS Writing Task 2 Answer sheet here so that you know the appropriate length depending on your handwriting: 300 words is about a page and a half for most people.  That’s plenty!

No problem. Yes the phrase " teamwork spirit" would suit your meaning. And in terms of clarity I think the more our ideas are simple, the more we can support them. Remember that the writing which will be held after one hour and half sitting on the chair,making us quite nervous and exhausted. Then it is very likely that we forget many things to deal with. Believe me our essays here ( typing with computer while drinking a coffee and surfing on the Internet) are much better than those we will make in exam with real circumstances. So Id like to try with some simple ideas that are easy to support.

Cheers,

You pointed out the key aspects of my weakness. For example,I should use "I" or "we" in my essay since the task asks me to give my opinion. And i should pay much attention to my sentences to make them clear enough to be understood.

As for the "awareness of team work" problem, I guess "teamwork spirit" is a good alternative to replace the original one. what's your opinion?

 I made some comments on the other essays because I think this forum is a good vehicle to communicate and improve together. People tend to be good at finding the mistakes made by others.

Thanks again

Your sincerely

A good essay with some good structure,Although some parts seem hard to read and understand.

A very good introduction,reflecting the whole question. But one thing should be made, as the question asks to give your opinion you should put a subjective sentence such as "I" or "we". Dont afraid of.

Compelling arguments can be made that an awareness of team work is going to drive youngsters to become more useful adults. To start with, a team with much cooperation tends to boost productivity. Only if all the members involved collaborate with each other, will they accomplish tasks effectively and efficiently. Moreover, once every single individual participate in the cooperation, everyone will share their information and display their skills, which is beneficial to colleagues to learn from others. Thus, they will enrich their vision and experiences. Last but not least, children who are motivated to co-operate have strong feelings about the group, the community as well. Therefore, when they become adults they might play a significant role in the establishment of harmonious organization culture.

**I dont understand what do you mean of awareness of team working here? May be Im a bit tough but I think the word awareness here is strange. (team working)

** involved in a team

** then colleagues could learn from each other.

** I cannot make a link between these two sentences. It needs more collaborate to explain.

Irrefutably, children who can do well in competition are also considered to be successful competitors in the future. Students being taught to beat their opponents have strong confidence. They will not give up when they are confronted with difficulties, but try their best to combat those troubles. Furthermore, children should be motivated to learn by themselves. For example, if a student win a game all by himself or herself, it could bring him or her a recognition of achievement. Nevertheless, those students who are eager to beat peers tend to be aggressive and they are easily to be hurt once they lose a game.

*wins

The second paragraph is made well.

Overall, I think you are quite good in grammar and making a good structure. And also making thesis and back them with ideas. But I think it would be much more better if you made your reasons clear to understand, sometimes I guess those ideas bring my mind to a halt to catch what you mean.Moreover,as this essay asks you to put your opinion do not hesitate to use "I" or " we" in your essay. However, thanks to this essay as Ive learned many thing from. And I know you are quite good to put some comments on our essays.

Best regards,

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.  Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.            

Whether children should be inspired to compete or co-operate is a frequent topic of discussion. There are various arguments supporting both views, those for and those against that a sense of competition will benefit adolescents.

Compelling arguments can be made that an awareness of team work is going to drive youngsters to become more useful adults. To start with, a team with much cooperation tends to boost productivity. Only if all the members involved collaborate with each other, will they accomplish tasks effectively and efficiently. Moreover, once every single individual participate in the cooperation, everyone will share their information and display their skills, which is beneficial to colleagues to learn from others. Thus, they will enrich their vision and experiences. Last but not least, children who are motivated to co-operate have strong feelings about the group, the community as well. Therefore, when they become adults they might play a significant role in the establishment of harmonious organization culture.

Irrefutably, children who can do well in competition are also considered to be successful competitors in the future. Students being taught to beat their opponents have strong confidence. They will not give up when they are confronted with difficulties, but try their best to combat those troubles. Furthermore, children should be motivated to learn by themselves. For example, if a student win a game all by himself or herself, it could bring him or her a recognition of achievement. Nevertheless, those students who are eager to beat peers tend to be aggressive and they are easily to be hurt once they lose a game.

Having deliberated the respective arguments mentioned above, despite the fact that competitive youths may win some competition, it seems to be advisable to suggest teamwork at present and in their future