Thanks for taking the time to revise your essay! It’s a great exercise to do – it really makes you think about your writing.

In your intro, I would try to make the thesis sentence more specific to this essay. At the moment you could use this in a million essays. You can read more about Thesis sentences here.

You wrote:

In this essay, I would like to analyze both and give my personal thoughts.

 Here’s one possible rewrite, giving your opinion:

In this essay, I would like to analyze both and explain why I prefer live events.

I would change one or two small things

You wrote:

Firstly, there are plenty of choices available for your preferred events regardless of live or recorded ones while slouching on the sofa and eating snacks at home. (27 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Firstly, while slouching on the sofa and eating snacks, you have plenty of choices of events. (16 words)

Tone

'Indisputable' is correct, but it’s very formal. It doesn’t really fit in the same essay as “slouching and eating snacks.” Nothing is lost if you leave out this entire phrase

Although both sides of this discussion contain indisputable virtues,

The same goes for “it cannot be denied.” It’s very formal. The tone of the essay fluctuates between formal and informal. Both tones are fine, but it’s  important to stay in one throughout the essay.

Again, thanks for rewriting! 

Some people choose to take part in live concerts and sports event while others feel more comfortable with watching televised events at home. In this essay, I would like to analyze both and give my personal thoughts.

More people attend live events nowadays as standards of living have improved and they have more money. Live events are a fuller sensory experience. People feel part of the event, particularly for adrenalin-pumping sports such as football or basketball. Moreover, people can make new friends at concerts or matches. No one has ever made friends by watching television alone at home. Nevertheless, it cannot be denied that the safety issue is one of downsides for such events, because the live game can put the spectators’ lives at risk if it is not well organized. For instance, attending sports events can mean getting caught up in fights between fans.

Television offers less risk to such events and is more comfortable. Firstly, there are plenty of choices available for your preferred events regardless of live or recorded ones while slouching on the sofa and eating snacks at home. Secondly, taking breaks at home is easier than having to ask people to let you pass by in a sports stadium. It is also easier to chat to your family in your living room. More importantly, television is cheaper and is more affordable for the general public. However, people would not be able to feel the atmosphere of exciting events and enthusiasm from the spectators.

Although both sides of this discussion contain indisputable virtues, I personally prefer to see live performance and matches and experience the thrills of the event. Television may give you more freedom and save money but it stops you interacting with people.

Thanks for this essay!  (Here's the link to it - the post is getting a bit long, so you see it in another window). And thanks Katiss for the comments on Madinarafi5's writing - it's a big help!

Intro

You wrote:

There are always some differences of opinion among the public whether to spend money to watch live events or to stay at home and view it free of cost

I would leave the first 10 words out. A lot of people doing Task 2 like to include “hotly contested” or “frequently debated” or “a controversial issue” or “matter for debate.”  The phrases are overused. You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here. Try to avoid using them!

You could ask a question, or you could give examples of both situations.

Here’s one possible rewrite, describing yourself:

I go to football matches most weekends. But I also enjoy watching games on television.

Here’s a (very long - 41 words!) possible rewrite:

Why would anyone want to pay 50 or 100 dollars to queue, stand in the rain or cold, be overcharged  for food or drink, and be pushed by thousands of other people  just to hear a singer or watch a game?

 Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Here I would like to enlist features favoring both views. → Here I would like to list features favoring both views.
• In addition, I would like to add on, as why to encourage watching live events rather than watching broadcasted events. → I would like to explain why I prefer live events.
• each and every moment are captured in many different angles → every moment is captured in many different angles OR each moment is captured in many different angles
• More the number of audience more the amount the local trade will flourish → The bigger the audience, the more local trade will flourish
• satisfaction could be obtained only by watching it real. → satisfaction could be obtained only by watching it live  OR satisfaction could be obtained only by watching it in reality

Specify

You wrote:

Here I would like to list features favoring both views.

This sentence could be used in a million essays. Try to make every sentence related to the topic.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Here I will describe some of the benefits of attending live events and watching them on television.

Shorten/Simplify/Specify

You wrote:

Thanks to the advancement in science and technology, each and every moment are captured in many different angles.

The first part is a bit general.

Thanks to modern filming and photography, every moment is captured in many different angles.

Punctuation: Commas

• It is certainly a fact the, the enthusiasm, cheerfulness → It is certainly a fact that the enthusiasm and  cheerfulness
• Even though, everything can be seen  at the click of a button → Even though everything can be seen  at the click of a button
• Watching it live, not only benefits us, it helps the local community, in turn the world also.→ Watching live events benefits not only us, but the local community and the world also.

In general, if you are not sure about commas, the best thing to do is leave them out.

Ideas

You wrote:

This will improve the world economy and standard of living of the people.

This idea is true, but it’s a bit general – do people go to football matches or Lady Gaga concerts with the intention of developing the world economy?

Articles

• people spend only negligible amount of money → people spend only a negligible amount of money
• This will improve the world economy and standard of living of the people. → and the living standards

And

If you have two items you have to use “and” between them, not a comma. If you have three or more items, you have to use “and” before the last one.

• We can relax refresh, record, replay it as we wish → We can relax refresh, record, and replay it as we wish
• It is certainly a fact that the enthusiasm, cheerfulness that a person feels …→ It is certainly a fact that the enthusiasm and cheerfulness that a person feels…

Overall, this is an improvement on your earlier essay. One thing I would suggest is to use fewer phrases like “Besides this,” “moreover,” “although,” “even though,” “it is certainly a fact” and so on. Just write your sentence!  You don’t have to introduce each one!

If you don't mind, I'm going to open a new topic for the two essays on starting school.

Here's the link so you can go to them easily.

You can do it that way, or you can give advantage and its related disadvantage, another advantage and its related disadvantage, and so on. Both ways are fine.

I think the first way (giving all the advantages and then all the disadvantages) is a little easier. If you use the other way, you have to use longer sentences like this:

While public transport such as trams or underground trains are better for the environment, they still require huge amounts of electricity which has to be generated somewhere, often by burning coal or oil.

ChrisLuke also asked if it's ok to use "I" or"you."  Absolutely. Task 2 asks you to give examples from your experience. It's an opinion essay. Use "I," use "you," use "as far as I am concerned," use "we."  Don't say "one"

One must be responsible for oneself → We need to be responsible for ourselves

and don't use passives

It has often been observed that → I have seen

Task 2 in the Academic Track is different from Task 1. In Task 1 you are a scientist or a reporter, objectively reporting on a graph or figures or a diagram. In Task 2, you are giving your opinion. So make sure your style of writing changes between the two tasks!

Just a few quick notes on your essay about attending live events or watching them on television. ChrisLuke has already given some comments above!

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• we are limited to watch  to the camera’s chosen view.→ we are limited to the camera’s chosen view.

Articles

• While I do not like being in a crowds too much → While I do not like being in crowds too much  OR While I do not like being in a crowd too much
• It seems paradox that… → It seems to be a paradox that  OR    It seems paradoxical that…     OR It is a paradox that...    OR it is paradoxical that... (ChrisLuke also spotted this -  this kind of word is going to jump out of the page at an examiner. It's got to be perfect

Thesis

You wrote:

Personally, I prefer to watch events on TV as I cannot stand large and noisy crowds.

You’ve given your opinion very clearly!

I agree with ChrisLuke about 'cost-effective' -  perhaps 'cheap' would be simpler. Why could you not use it? It's fine!  I like your rewrite of this sentence:

For some people, watching televised events also lacks the more subtle qualities, like the smell or the atmosphere of being in the audience.

You rewrote it as

Live events also let us experience more subtle qualities than television, like the smell or the atmosphere of being in the audience.

Overall, there’s very little I would change about this essay. The ideas are clear and fully supported, the vocabulary is generally appropriate and used correctly, the majority of sentences are error free, and linking is good.  Well done.

@katisss:  i have not seen this topic about schobefore but it looks quite related to me ...lol....

[Edited: essays by Katiss and ChrisLuke921221 on "When should children start school?" moved to here]

@chrisluke92122

I have been told to give a summary of the paragraph as first seence rather than just start writing your first argument.

Maybe worth a try, otherwise great job.

cost effectiveis stupid but you can't write cheap in an essay maybe free of charge.

For some people, watching televised events also lack the more subtle qualities, like the smell or the atmosphere of being in the audience.

Should be: Live events also let us experience more subtle qualities than television, like the smell or the atmosphere of being in the audience.

Some comments for madinarafi5

• It is certainly a fact the, the enthusiasm

typo

 really a thing that

sounds a bit too informal to me

• only [a] negligible amount of money

i think, or negligible amounts

•  More the number of audience more the amount the local trade will flourish.

The more?, but the number of audience does not work anyways, lager audience or number of spectators

Here is my latest essay, i tried to keep it short and practise with a topic there is not much to write about. 

[Edited: essay on "When should children start school?" moved to here]

           First, watching an event at the comfort of your sofa is really a thing that everyone would like to do. We can relax refresh, record, replay it as we wish. It is really a boon to the people who are not able to spend a lot of money to watch these events that are held worldwide. Thanks to the advancement in science and technology, each and every moment are captured in many different angles. Finally, people spend only negligible amount of money while watching it in television when compared to going live.

            It is certainly a fact the, the enthusiasm, cheerfulness that a person feels while watching a live event is incomparable. He will always cherish those moments  in his life. Besides this, he will also be able to communicate with other people. This helps in developing inter cultural &interpersonal relationships. More the number of audience more the amount the local trade will flourish. This will improve the world economy and standard of living of the people.

           Even though, everything can be seen  at the click of a button from home, the feeling of full fledged satisfaction could be obtained only by watching it real. Watching it live, not only benefits us, it helps the local community, in turn the world also.

Firstly, i would say that katisss and i are what you referred to as "risk-takers" who adventure to adopt some complex words but both of us are not 100% sure of their correct usage/choice. i reckon this is one good point to share with everyone that Use the words you feel comfortable and sure of in the exam , well, i also suggest that we can "take the risk " for practice like what we are doing here and accept the difference voices then correct them.

Secondly, katisss and i have the common mistakes like LONG sentences and essay with Average words per sentence "20.20" . 

on top of that, i have one question for the use of "I" and "you" in the argument like IELTS except asking your opinions, personally i reckon that we should avoid using those expressions? instead, to use something like "it" or "one"am i right ? Mr Admin.

i just make a list of some "slips" and open to discussion :

1. paradox  noun, paradoxical adj.

2. On the other hand, watching an event on TV can be flexible, comfortable, cost effective and enable(s) more people to see the same show or event.

cost-effective ? have you spent any money on it and expect any financial return?

3. As a member of the audience you can share your enthusiasm for the sport or the music with like-minded people. For some people, watching televised events also lack the more subtle qualities, like the smell or the atmosphere of being in the audience.

in my humble opinion, would it be better that to state the advantages in a orderly manner then followed by the disadvantages if it is intended to discuss both sides and perhaps to make a comparison . it might cause a bit confusion for the readers at times because the structure is not clear (i have this problem too....)? i am sure about this point. enlighten me , Mr Admin...!!!

4. watching an event on TV can be more convenient while watching in persons tends to be more exciting. While I do not like being in a crowds too much I can see the attraction of actually being there in person. In the end, convinced fans will probably be in the audience while for people only casually interested or too busy TV is a good alternative.

hmm, i am just wondering if it looks a bit repetitive in terms of word usage/choice ??????changing the structure???? all in all+in the end??????

Thank you so much for commenting on my writingand words cannot describe how grateful am i right now.lol.i really do!!!

In response to your question regarding how long did i spend on it, i actually would say it as a "one-take" essay (i know i should not have done  it...lol) and it took me 35 mins roughly as in i typed here directly instead of writing on paper then typing....i totally agree with what you commented because i found so many "stupid mistakes" when i looked back and realized the importance of structure as well as word choice/form/usage. MORE IMPORTANTLY, the websites for readability you gave are sooooooo useful and made me feel even more motivated for writing....cuz i have a bit roll-coaster experience with IELTS and get a bit frustrated by the writing result from last attempt. i got R:9,L:9 S:8.5 BUT W:7 ,(7.5) earlier try .basically like any others , i need 4 8s for immigration requirement so the last result kinda "knocked me down" and i completely agree that it is linked to what you pointed out . apart from that, lack of practice and summary is yet another reason .  anyway, i greatly appreciate your time commenting on my writing and i will post as much as i can to accept more criticism and comments and try my best to help others in the forum.

BTW, i modify this essay with your comments and welcome you and other members to CRITICIZE it again.

[Edited: Here's a link to the revised essay by ChrisLuke921221)