Hi Guru and thanks for this essay. A big thanks to David Lee and Rshdwork for their comments!

Your essay is fine, but it’s not very exciting. ‘Exciting’ is not required to get a good mark in IELTS , but have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under “limited range” in Lexical Resource (vocab) and “limited range” of structures”  in Grammar and “may be repetitive” under Coherence.

So how can we make your essay better? 

Empty or standard phrases

First there are a LOT of very standard phrases which could be used in a million essays.

• To conclude, I think every coin has two sides.

What does this mean? Why use it? How does it make your argument stronger?  And what do you mean ‘think’?   Don’t use this phrase. Make every sentence relevant to the topic. Include a keyword or a new idea or a phrase of your own.

Here’s another

• In this essay, I will discuss both the side of arguments and try to reach to conclusion.

This adds nothing and does not help the reader. You might as well stand before an audience and say “I’m going to talk.” We know, already.

And your opening:

• Television is a popular type of electronic media.

Unless the reader has been away from the planet for the century or so, this sentence does not say anything new. Why waste time writing it? Don’t state the obvious. You have missed opportunities to show the examiner that you are able to write new and fresh sentences.

Structure and Organization

Your paragraph structure is fine, and your topic sentences are OK. But I wish you had spent more time on developing your ideas.

Vocabulary: Repetition

You have a LOT of repetition here. The website textalyser.net tells you which words you have used most often in your essay.  You have used the word ‘programmes’  11 times,  ‘children’ 10 times, and ‘television’ 9 times, and ‘time’ 3 times.

Every time you repeat a word you are missing an opportunity to use a different piece of vocab and possibly a different idea.

When you get the question in the exam, underline, write synonyms, related words. Change nouns to verbs, change adjectives to adverbs, change verbs to nouns, write the opposites, write unrelated words. Cover the paper with words. Words will lead to ideas and suddenly your essay will be more interesting for you to write and for your reader to read.

Paragraph Two: Ideas

Here are the ideas in your second paragraph. As you can see there is some repetition:

• Idea 1:  Television is a source of entertainment
• Example 1 : There are many programmes such as…
• Idea 2:  There are many programmes??????
• Idea 3: It helps families to bond. 
• Example 3: Parents are busy, so they watch television.

If parents are busy, how do they have time to watch television? Your ideas must be supported.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

Fragment

This is not a sentence: Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices.

• Television programmes such as movies which are showing violence, robberies, hate.

Not only/But also

You wrote:

Moreover, long time in front of television  not effect children health but also their social network as well.

Don’t use not only /but also.  It’s not correct here. Just write nice simple sentences.

By the way, where is your example for health? Can anyone show me a link between television and poor eyesight? Do you mean exercise (you have no example given.)

Ideas

Overall, the essay just makes me want to sleep.  At least an examiner gets paid to read it…

Here’s the thing : if an essay is boring for you to write, then the effect on the reader will be the same thing multiplied by ten. Think of fresh ideas, new example. You have some possibilities here (the social network of children, for example, but not enough variety, or examples, or fresh information. This essay could have been written in 1960 -  where are the examples from “your knowledge and experience” as the IELTS question asks?

Here's an example of a topic with related words and brainstorm. You have paid 200 dollars to do the exam -  cover the question paper with words!

Television is a popular type of electronic media .Television programmes can effect children overall development both positively and negatively. In this essay, I will discuss both the side of arguments and try to reach to conclusion.

"Television is a popular type of electronic media ." It is the grabber sentence which you can enrich it to better catch the eyes:

Television, without any doubt, is the most popular media of choice among people.

Your thesis sentence is very general and easily will be found in many other essays. Try to avoid generalization as much as you can.

There are several points which showing how the television programmes enhances children growth. Firstly, television is a great source of entertainment.

There are verities   of programmes like movies, cartoons, realty game shows which help to entertain children. It makes them mentally happy.

The second sentence is a complement clause to the first one, so you can easily concatenate them:

There are a variety of programs like movies, cartoons, reality game shows which help entertaining the children, and make them mentally happy.

Another positive aspect of television programmes. There are so many different programmes which help to provide knowledge regarding different cultures, history wildlife and other global things.

Another positive aspect of television programs is their educative feature through which we receive information regarding different cultures, history, wildlife and other global affairs.

Good programmes cam stimulate children mental activities which can  help them to explore more about particular subjects. It also helps to create strong bonding with family. Parent does not have much time to spend with children due to busy working life styles. Family can spend a quality of time together in front of TV.

Above couple of sentences convey your points but are incoherent. I think they are fraction of ideas.

 

However, on the other hand television programmes affect them negatively .Some television programmes such as movies which are showing violence, robberies, hate. Children can adopt all these things by watching these programmes. Moreover, long time in front of television  not effect children health but also their social network as well. Children like to watch television at home instead of playing outdoor with friend it can create social isolation.

To conclude, I think every coin has two sides.TV programmes also have some positive and negative impact on children physical, mental and social development. It is easy to overcome negative sides of TV programmes if children watch the useful selected programmes.

Hi guru,

Did you write it under time constraint by the way? I guess you can write better essay if you put more time.

In general, try first to improve your task response ability then get on essay strategies which are explained

in this site. Next you need to tailor ideas (task response) through a natural flow of information. Here you

need coherence and cohesion which you lacked in the current essay. When you get above these two dimensions,

you can easily fill your essay with grammar and lexical resources intuitively.

Hope it helps.

Vincent

There are several points which showing how the television programmes enhances children growth. Firstly, television is a great source of entertainment. There are verities of programmes like movies, cartoons, realty game shows which help to entertain children. It makes them mentally happy. Another positive aspect of television programmes (is what?). There are so many different programmes which help to provide knowledge regarding different cultures, history wildlife and other global things. Good programmes camn stimulate children mental activities which can help them to explore more about particular subjects. It also helps to create strong bonding with family. Parent does not have much time to spend with children due to busy working life styles. Family can spend a quality of time together in front of TV.

However, on the other hand television programmes affect them negatively .Some television programmes such as movies which are showing violence, robberies, hate (bloody). Children can adopt all these things by watching these programmes. Moreover, long time in front of television  not effect children health but also their social network as well (i dont think this sentence is true. Of course, watching TV more than several hours would hurt the eyes. And this sentence is wrong, in terms of grammar). Children like to watching television at home instead of playing outdoor with friend it can create social isolation.

To conclude, I think every coin has two sides. (Believe me, examiners are tired of this sentence. Dont use it ever, never)TV programmes also have some positive and negative impact on children physical, mental and social development. It is easy to overcome negative sides of TV programmes if children watch the useful selected programmes.

Hey, dude, I guess this essay is much better than ur previous one. Grammar is ok, but some mistakes are in this essay. Be careful.

Try to throw overuse phrases away.

David

There are several points which showing how the television programmes enhances children growth. Firstly, television is a great source of entertainment. There are verities   of programmes like movies, cartoons, realty game shows which help to entertain children. It makes them mentally happy. Another positive aspect of television programmes. There are so many different programmes which help to provide knowledge regarding different cultures, history wildlife and other global things. Good programmes cam stimulate children mental activities which can  help them to explore more about particular subjects. It also helps to create strong bonding with family. Parent does not have much time to spend with children due to busy working life styles. Family can spend a quality of time together in front of TV.

However, on the other hand television programmes affect them negatively .Some television programmes such as movies which are showing violence, robberies, hate. Children can adopt all these things by watching these programmes. Moreover, long time in front of television  not effect children health but also their social network as well. Children like to watch television at home instead of playing outdoor with friend it can create social isolation.

To conclude, I think every coin has two sides.TV programmes also have some positive and negative impact on children physical, mental and social development. It is easy to overcome negative sides of TV programmes if children watch the useful selected programmes.