Thanks for your kind comments and thanks for this essay.

Shieiuan has already done a great job in spotting some things that could be changed. For example, I agree with her about ‘trend’ instead of ‘tradition’ but she also spotted some other issues. Well done!

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Quite cherishable → cherishable.

  (Something is either cherishable or it’s not, like pregnant.  But it would be better to say “important” or “precious.” I was surprised to find very few definitions for 'cherishable,' and Microsoft’s spellchecker doesn’t like it!)

• People today prefer doing this just for pride and spend money in vain.  → People today prefer doing this just for pride and to spend money in vain.
   
• This lavish behavior by the hosts can even worsen their good financial status and leave them in debt. → (Only something bad can be worsened. ) Here’s one possible rewrite:

  This lavish behavior by the hosts can leave them in debt.

Tense

You wrote:

There are innumerable ceremonies done

Here’s one possible rewrite:

There are innumberable ceremonies  OR       Innumerable ceremonies are carried out/take place

Agreement, Pronouns

• These occasions gives people time → These occasions give people time

• Moreover, these occasions gives people time to relax, catch up with their friends. It also helps to develop intercultural relationship. →
  Moreover, these occasions give people time to relax and catch up with their friends. They also help to develop intercultural relationships.

You wrote:

Though it is an ancient tradition to arrange these celebrations the aim of doing it has changed

What do the words  ‘it’ refer to? Here’s one possible rewrite:

These celebrations are ancient, but the reason for doing them has changed.

Lists

You have three or four problems in the essay with lists.

You wrote:

Celebrating birthday parties, anniversaries and so on

This is what you hear people say, but in writing it’s better to avoid such laziness! Try to have THREE examples (three is a magic number!) , and try to avoid using ‘and so on’ or ‘etc’ in your writing.  Even writing ‘and other social events’ is better, even though it means the same thing!

Here’s another  list which needs three examples . You wrote:

No one would really forget a birthday party spends with their friends, a wedding anniversary enjoyed with relative and the list goes on endless.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

No one can forget birthday parties with friends, wedding anniversaries with your family and of course your own wedding with your wonderful partner. The list of important celebrations goes on endlessly. /The list of happy occasions to celebrate is endless.

Here’s another “and so on”:

There are innumerable ceremonies done, for example they arrange parties events like piercing the ears, shaving the hair for the first time buying or building a new house and so on.

Here’s one possible rewrite without the dreaded “and so on”:

In India, there are innumerable ceremonies and celebrations to mark events such as getting ear piercing, shaving for the first time, and buying or building a new house.

Here’s yet another list, this time with only two examples:

Moreover, these occasions gives people time to relax, catch up with their friends

You need to put ‘and ‘ or ‘or’ before the last item in the list. Here’s one possible rewrite:

These occasions give people time to relax and catch up with their friends

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Celebrating birthday parties and anniversaries…in  an extraordinary manner  → lavishly, flamboyantly, ostentatiously, with no expense spared
   
• It has incorporated deeply into our lives → It has become part of our lives.  (But I really like Shieiuan’s decision to remove it completely – it’s repetition of the word ‘trend’ you used in the previous sentence.)
   
• Meanwhile, these occasions also tend to bring people together in this occupied world.  → in this busy world.    OR    in our preoccupied world

Shorten/Simplify/Clarify

You wrote:

We are in a situation to follow on  the same trend irrespective of our financial status.

I’m not quite clear about this. Here’s one possible rewrite:

Many people spend more than they can afford on these events

Specify!

This sentence could be in a million essays:

I would also like to add on with consequences and solutions for this.

Make every sentence specific  or related to the topic.  The sentence also has some errors, so it’s far better to change it. Here’s one possible rewrite:

In this essay, I would like to explain why these events play a vital role in our life, but also ask if we should spend  so much on these events

Pronouns: ‘One’ is Dead

It’s an opinion essay. Don’t be afraid to see “I” or “our” or “we” Do be afraid to say “one” -  only the Queen uses “one” nowadays. Bury it, forget it ever existed, remove it from your toolbox.

They are obviously cherisable moments in ones life.In my countryIndia, There are innumerable ceremonies done

Quite

The word ‘quite’ should be used very sparingly. Say what you want to say or find a better word!

Ideas

Paragraph Three (the second body paragraph) looks shorter than the paragraph two, and it IS shorter, in terms of ideas as well as appearance. Make sure the two parts of your essay are balanced.  You could have developed the ideas in Paragraph Three much more.  Why has the aim changed? What lead to this? Why do people spend so much nowadays?

Conclusion

Have three sentences in your conclusion with two sides and your opinion. Give some advice or look to the future.  You can read more about conclusions here.  Don’t try to do all these things in one sentence. Aim for  3773layout -  three sentences in the into (your intro was much too long for a short essay!), seven in each of the two body paragraphs, and three sentences in the conclusion (Read more about 3773 and 35553 layouts here). You’ll be fine.

And remember, don’t write as if you were talking. The two modes are different. Writing expects simplicity, clarity and elegance. Speaking allows us to repeat and to be lazy. Different!

            Parties and get together social events are meant to bring people together. No one would really forget a wonder time of a  birthday party which spends with their friends, a wedding anniversary enjoyed with relative and the list goes on endless. They are obviously quite cherisable moments in ones life.In my country-India, there are innumerable ceremonies done that are celebrate by us, for example they people arrange parties events like such as piercing the ears, shaving the hair for the first time buying or building a new house and so on. They would like to share every moment of happiness with others. Moreover, these occasions gives people time to relax, catch up with their friends. It also helps to develop intercultural relationship ( you need to come up with a bit more to suppor the sentence here, or you could remove it to avoid the meaning isn't fully develop).

           

            Though it is an ancient tradition to arrange these celebrations; however, the aim of doing it has changed .People today prefer doing this just for pride and spend money in vain. This lavish behavior by the hosts can even worsen their good financial status and leave them in debt. All the money that has been saved for a long time is spent on a single day just for the enjoyment for few others.

      

            I would like to suggest that, even though it is quite important to arrange those occasions which bring people together strongly ( i can't think of any better way to short it, maybe you would come up with a better one) , people care should be taken care so that the money spend on it is reasonable.

Iwould also like to submit my essay..Kindly somebody comment on this..

Celebrating birthday parties, anniversaries and so on in an extraordinary manner has become a tradition in our society these days. It has incorporated deeply into our lives, We are in a situation to follow on  the same trend irrespective of our financial status. Meanwhile, these occasions also tend to bring people together in this occupied world. In this essay , I would like to explain why these events play a vital role in our life . I would also like to add on with consequences and solutions for this.

            Parties and get together are meant to bring people together. No one would really forget a birthday party spends with their friends, a wedding anniversary enjoyed with relative and the list goes on endless. They are obviously quite Cherisable moments in ones life.In my countryIndia, There are innumerable ceremonies done, for example they arrange parties events like piercing the ears, shaving the hair for the first time buying or building a new house and so on. They would like to share every moment of happiness with others. Moreover, these occasions gives people time to relax, catch up with their friends. It also helps to develop intercultural relationship.

            Though it is an ancient tradition to arrange these celebrations the aim of doing it has changed .People today prefer doing this just for pride and spend money in vain. This lavish behavior by the hosts can even worsen their good financial status and leave them in debt. All the money that has been saved for a long time is spent on a single day just for the enjoyment for few others.

            I would like to suggest that, even though it is quite important to arrange those occasions, care should be taken so that the money spend on it is reasonable.

I hope you are recovering from your depression following the latest results.

Thanks for this essay, and thanks to Gilbert and Chrisluke for their comments.

As usual, Katiss writes clearly and with few errors. As ChrisLuke says, her essay is nice to read, although as Gilbert suggests, a slightly shorter essay might be more effective.  Katiss, what did you think about Gilbert's suggestion regarding the topic sentences?

I agree with them about the word length. At 402 words it is long, and it's unusually long for Katiss! There is even some repetition

Celebrations bring extended families together or let us catch up with friends we have not seen in a long time. Also, celebrating together can create cohesion among guests and it can be a good way to keep in touch with relatives and friends. (43 words, 2 sentences, average 21.5 words per sentence)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Celebrations bring extended families together, strengthen family ties, and let us catch up with friends and relatives. (17 words, one sentence)

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• it is important for one‘s personal and social life to mark and share significant occasion → it is important for one‘s personal and social life to mark and share significant occasions    OR  you could use passive: "It is important that significant occasions are marked" - but I like the non-passive version
   
• I would advocate to limit expenses to the host‘s means. → I would advocate limiting expenses to the host‘s means.
   
• it is common for couples to make debts to pay for their nuptials. → it is common for couples to go into debt /incur debt/ become indebted/borrow money to pay for their nuptials.

Like ChrisLuke I was puzzled by this sentence

Moreover, we can show our appreciation for people that matter to us: the person we marry or the friend, who holds a birthday party.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Moreover, we can show our appreciation for the people that matter to us: our partner, our friend, or our family members.

An alternative is to have a very long sentence with examples of each:

Moreover, we can show our appreciation for the people that matter to us: our partner, by remembering anniversaries; our friends, by remembering their birthdays, or our family members, by sharing their happy and sad memories.

Clarify/Support

Katiss wrote:

Certainly, demonstrating one‘s status and riches can play a role: even if the expensive cars and clothes are only rented for the event.

This isn’t fully explained, as Katiss points out. Some people in society may need to demonstrate their status or have obligations to have a large public event, even if they would prefer a smaller private one. But it’s better to leave the sentence out rather than leave it unsupported.

Parallel

This sentence needs to be more parallel

Katiss wrote:

On the other hand, lavish celebrations can come with high costs, even leaving the hosts in debts or may only be held to impress other people

Here’s one possible rewrite:

On the other hand, lavish celebrations can leave the hosts in debt or be held only to impress other people.

Again, thanks to Katiss and thanks to her colleagues for their comments. Well done!

U present many interesting ideas in ur essay, i like them very much :)

But there r also something that im not sure r they can be improved a little more.

1. Is this an essay for IELTS? coz 402 words seems too much for IELTS task2.

2. Paragraph2 can have a better topic sentence for this part. For example, There r many reasons can explain why people would like to spend a lot money on celebrations. Ur 1st sentence tell us the celebrations r tradition, but the botton half of P2 u start another idea, so i consider u have 2 ideas in P2 but no topic sentence.

3. I got ur idea for P3 from the 1st sentence. But after i read the whole Paragraph, specially the last 2 sentences, I get lost :P   Maybe u can cut some content in this paragraph to make the idea more clear.

I didnt modify any of ur sentences coz i consider myself as a learner same as u. The suggestions above r just something general, I hope they r helpful to u.

Cheers  

i have noticed a few "slips" but open to discussion regarding these.

1. the money spend on these festivities is well invested  (spent) and it is important for one‘s personal and social life to mark and share significant occasion  (should it be "to be marked ??" )

2.Moreover, we can show our appreciation for people that matter to us: the person we marry or the friend, who holds a birthday party (hmm,i reckon that you can restructure this sentence. )

3. some people argue are only held to impress guests rather than share happy moments in one‘s life. Certainly,(missing something?)

4. it is in total of 400 words...hmm it would be great if you can cut down a bit.....cuz your essay reminds of my writing style completely, it is all about writing , writing and writing  and what i've learned from reading the comments in this forum is about the "quality " rather than "quantity". lol. thx for our forum admin.  overall, i am convinced by your arguments,,,

In most cultures around the globe celebrating important events in one‘s personal life with others is common. It is debatable whether the money spend on these festivities is well invested. In my view, it is important for one‘s personal and social life to mark and share significant occasion but I would advocate to limit expenses to the host‘s means.

On the one hand, there is a long tradition of celebrating birthdays and marriages. These celebrations enrich our social lives, express our culture and bring us closer to family and friends. For many people religious and national holidays have become less significant in recent years. Therefore, events in our personal life are often regarded important occasions now for a break in our daily routine. How we celebrate those is an expression of our culture and traditions. Moreover, we can show our appreciation for people that matter to us: the person we marry or the friend, who holds a birthday party. Celebrations bring extended families together or let us catch up with friends we have not seen in a long time. Also, celebrating together can create cohesion among guests and it can be a good way to keep in touch with relatives and friends.

On the other hand, lavish celebrations can come with high costs, even leaving the hosts in debts or may only be held to impress other people. There are certainly longer lasting investments than throwing a party. For example, instead of blowing their money on an expensive marriage young couples could invest in property or higher education. In some countries it is common for couples to make debts to pay for their nuptials. In my opinion, celebrating should not overstretch the means of the hosts. It would be wiser to scale down the event to the available budget. Then, some people argue are only held to impress guests rather than share happy moments in one‘s life. Certainly, demonstrating one‘s status and riches can play a role: even if the expensive cars and clothes are only rented for the event.

In conclusion, I believe celebrating events in one‘s personal life with friends and family is a valuable tradition worth preserving. One should aim to keep the cost within the available budget instead of trying hard to impress guests and show off. After all, it is about sharing the joy of a marriage or a birthday with people close to us.

Not sure if i should have written more on teh necessary for the society thing...