A couple of vocab and usage points, most of which can be solved by just deleting!

• cases of crime and violence commitment have been growing
• There are, however, in my opinion, several problems caused by this adverse trend.
• It is highly possible that investors and business men feel unsafe and cities and countries less attractive. 
• According to a recent study,  Don't add this unless it's a real survey/study/research and you have the authors names, and the date of publication. Appealing to unidentified authorities does not strengthen your argument.
• Furthermore, a higher percentage of crime and violence commitment apply higher pressure on already overloaded prisons.
• Another problem is that such a trend does exert exerts serious impacts on children.
• foot steeps steps
• I believe that crime and violence are responsible to for numerous social issues. To tackle this problem, the governments should enforce stricter punishment to  for criminals together with carefully educating the young generation.

Organization: Your organization is fine. You have followed what the essay title asked you to do by outlining various problems caused by increasing crime. You haven't given any solutions, other than a general one in the conclusion.

Some excellent sentences and ideas, and you keep on target without unneccessary details.

One of the most detrimental effects is that high crime and violence rate causes huge economic and financial loss, negatively affecting social development. It is highly possible that investors and business men feel unsafe cities and countries less attractive. They, therefore, are not willing to risk their money to suffer from the feeling of insecurity due to criminals. According to a recent study, such cities tend to have weaker economy and much slower development rate, resulting from the lack of investment. Furthermore, a higher percentage of crime and violence commitment apply higher pressure on already overload prisons. Consequently, governments have to spend a larger amount of money expanding and building more prisons and feeding the prisoners who lost the right of freedom together with opportunities to devote for their society in a long period of time.

Another problem is that such trend does exert serious impacts on children. It is undoubtedly true that children are the most vulnerable members of society, who are most easily to be hurt. For example, it seems to be highly likely that children of family with domestic violence matters would suffer from incurable “scars” in their whole life, causing mental issues. Apart from that, children who are brought up in violent and criminal environment would probably follow in their older family members’ foot steeps, losing their right track in life, and finally becoming threats to society.

All things considered, I believe that crime and violence are responsible to numerous social issues. To tackle this problem, the governments should enforce stricter punishment to criminals together with carefully educating the young generation.

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I am a newbie in the forum and I am studying for IELTS exam next month. I hope that you can help to fix my essay. Thanks a lot in advance! :D