1' Now, many big communities have established their own homepages as a bridge to connect neighbors. Some people behave far more active .......     this is a added sentense.  i think it acts as a preface for next sentense.

2 as you say i will make comments on others' essay. we need to improve together.

Just a quick word regarding IELTS bands.I don't give them on this site, but I do suggest looking at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here. 

In your case, here are some phrases you can look for: 

• In Grammar: A writer at Band 6 "makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication." To move to a Band 7 in grammar, a writer needs "frequent error-free sentences"
• In Coherence and Cohesion, a Band 7 writer "logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout...uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use....presents a clear central topic within each paragraph"
• In Vocabulary (Lexical Resource), a Band 6 writer "uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task...attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy....makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication."   A Band 7 writer only has "occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation"
• In Task Response, a Band 7 writer "addresses all parts of the task....presents a clear position throughout the response"

So you should be able to place yourself by comparing your work with the descriptors!  What band are you aiming for?

Thanks Chrisluke and Shieiuan for your comments!   And a big thanks to Ma-Frank for taking the time to look at the comments and make changes to the essay. It’s not always easy to accept changes.

What I will do is make a few comments on the revised essay, which is now 316 words long (fine!) and has an average sentence length of 16.6 words per sentence, which is a little high.  Adding a couple of very short sentences can reduce this average.

Articles

when money has become theme of life → when money has become the theme of life

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

You wrote:

In recent years, more and more Chinese people have become indifferent and lack of care between people.

This needs to be parallel. ‘Indifferent’ is an adjective,  so we need to change lack of care into an adjective. ChrisLuke almost got it…  Here’s one possible rewrite:

In recent years, more and more Chinese people have become indifferent and uncaring.   

• Many people, like neighbors living in the same apartment, seldom do they greet each other in a lift.  → (‘like’ is used more in speaking.)  →
  Even neighbors in the same apartment block seldom greet each other in the lift.

• Some of people think it is wasting of time to communicate with neighbors without economic benefits →

  Some people think it is a waste of time to communicate with neighbours unless it brings some economic benefit.

• They prefer to plan how to make money in chairs rather than use a few minutes to chat with neighbors.  → They prefer to be alone planning how to make money rather than spend a few minutes chatting with neighbors.

Some people behave far more active before computer screens than a face-to-face conversation. → Some people are far more active before their computer screens than in face-to-face conversations.

• Consequentially → As a result/ Consequently

• In general, economy motivation or new way of communication can’t be a reasonable excuse for bad neighborhood → In conclusion, economic motives or new ways of communication are not acceptable excuses for a bad neighborhood

• On the contrary, we should change from ourselves to contact our neighbors positively.  New technologies can be used as a new way to communicate with our neighbor

On the contrary, we need to change our attitudes and engage/enjoy being with/appreciate/ with our neighbors, both online and in person.

Thesis Sentence: Generic!

Shieiuan complimented you on a good thesis sentence. You wrote:

This essay will analyze some possible reasons behind this phenomenon and offer some recommendations for that.

It’s fine, but I would like you to make it more related to the topic. You could use this thesis in a million essays. Here’s one possible rewrite:

This essay will analyze some possible reasons behind this change in society and offer some recommendations to improve our relations with our neighbors.

This is a little long, at 23 words, but that’s OK in a topic sentence. However we need to try to keep the average sentence length to between 12 -15 words. You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page-  this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org.

Shorten/Simplify

• First, increased tension in life due to survival need in a fierce competitive society has led to a distorted psychology between people.  → First, increased tension caused by the need to survive in a fiercely competitive society has distorted how we relate to others. 

You wrote a monster sentence here:

Second, we should develop a more healthier and relaxed life style in our spare time, temporarily forgetting money,   walking into community and taking part into social activities, which will contribute to a harmonious neighborhood and reward us non-money benefits. (39 words, one sentence, average 39 words per sentence)

This is 39 words long. It has good ideas, but too many in one sentence. Let’s break it up:

Second, we should develop a healthier and more relaxed life style in our spare time. We should forget money temporarily, and instead walk into our community and take part in social activities. This will contribute to a harmonious neighborhood and reward us in many intangible ways. (44 words, 3 sentences, 14.6 words per sentence).

Cohesion 1: Linking Words and Ideas

Make sure that sentences and ideas flow smoothly from one to the other.  You wrote:

Some people behave far more active before computer screens than a face-to-face conversation. As a result, neighbors may not know each other in reality if a community is too big.

Here the link between how people act in front of computer screens and the size of a community is not clear. The word ‘as a result’ (you had ‘consequentially’ before) is not correct. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Cohesion and Coherence.

 Cohesion  2: Pronoun Reference

You wrote at the start of Paragraph Three:

However, we can try some practical ways to alleviate it.

In a new paragraph, you should avoid unclear pronoun reference. What does ‘it’ refer to? Specify again, even if it clear to you. Here’s one possible rewrite:

However, we can try some practical ways to alleviate this lack of communication.

Overall, you have worked hard with this topic: as you say, I think you have reached your limit!

I hope you can try a new topic soon and that some of the tips help. Try to avoid too many nouns or nominalizations, keep sentences short, and don't go over 325 words. You have good ideas and vocabulary and some very good sentences like this one:

Secondly, social media and advanced technology has left us less likely to socialize with or get to know people who live nearby.

Looking forward to more from you and I hope you get some time to comment on other people's essays. It doesn't have to be a long comment -  just a couple of words!

In recent years, more and more Chinese people have become indifferent and lack of care between people. Many people, like neighbors living in the same apartment, seldom do they greet each other in a lift. This essay will analyze some possible reasons behind this phenomenon and offer some recommendations for that.

First, increased tension in life due to survival need in a fierce competitive society has led to a distorted psychology between people.  Some of people think it is wasting of time to communicate with neighbors without economic benefits. They prefer to plan how to make money in chairs rather than use a few minutes to chat with neighbors.  Gradually neighbors become strangers. Unavoidably, when money has become theme of life, there is no room for people to establish a harmonious neighborhood. Secondly, social media/ advanced technology has left us less likely to socialize or get to know people who live nearby. Some people behave far more active before computer screens than a face-to-face conversation. Consequentially, neighbors may not know each other in reality if a community is too big.

However, we can try some practical ways to alleviate it. First government should advocate a more reasonable development model to shift people’s focus from purely making money. This is a fundamental solution to this problem. Second, we should develop a more healthier and relaxed life style in our spare time, temporarily forgetting money,   walking into community and taking part into social activities, which will contribute to a harmonious neighborhood and reward us non-money benefits.

In general, economy motivation or new way of communication can’t be a reasonable excuse for bad neighborhood. On the contrary, we should change from ourselves to contact our neighbors positively.  New technologies can be used as a new way to communicate with our neighbor. A good neighborhood may bring more opportunities to create health for society as a whole.

WHERE?

well i would like to continue to  be "MEAN" if you dont mind . LOL...(ONLY MY PERSONAL OPINION.  )

1. In recent years, more and more Chinese people have become indifferent and lack of care(caring) between people. Many people, as neighbors living in the same apartment, seldom do they(???) greet each other in a lift. This essay will analyze some possible reasons behind this phenomenon and offer some recommendations for that.

(as is often followed by subject or preposition.  but you still can use as.   say, As you know/request. (verb) "like" here sounds more sensible to em.. as in like is followed by "noun")

(TBC:  seldom is fine but i prefer "rarely"...)

2. For your second paragraph,

First, accelerating life and work rhythm makes people put more time and efforts into their own businesses or tasks assigned by their bosses(  i reckon  one-word "work" is even clearer or   spend more time at work /in the office ...blah blah blah..)

(Too long.   )

3.Nowadays, hundreds of millions Chinese may think the same things: how much will I earn today, or how can I persuade a client to sign my contract today, and so forth. Therefore, when money has become theme of life, there is no room for people to store extra care to others around them, including our neighborhood

(aint this paragraph supposed to support your theme sentence?. However, this paragraph is all "money-oriented". lol.  how does it link to your theme sentence? so fast-paced life/work, more time on work ->people are desperate for making $$->i have money then i'm done with talking to neighbours??    i personally do not agree....lol. what do you reckon?)

4.the emerging communication ways make neighbors contact directly on their apartmental webpage or blog instead of a real face to face conversation.

(well, you can rewrite like:    social media/ advanced technology has left us less likely to socialize or get to know people who live nearby)

TBC:  or  technology also takes the blame for making neighbors less relevant . ...  JUST MY SUGGESTION...

then:  support your key sentence with supporting ideas.

5.Above surface situations may be just part of real reasons. According to those(a bit cliche for me...), there are some practical ways to alleviate it.

(Shorten your sentence.  )

6. First , the government should advocate a more reasonable development model(development model???hmmm...okie...) to relieve intensive relationship of competition between people.

(my rewrite: to cultivate/ build up better bonds with neighbors)

7. Second, doing it on our own, we should learn to relax ourselves at home, in our block starting from saying hello to neighbors and forgetting money or beating competitors temporarily.

(I mean, seriously. lol.  learn to relax at home . forget money ........this reminds me of a bit Jessie J's price tag....it's not about the money, money, money. we dont need your money, money, money.  hehe..kidding here.   rewrite this sentence.    )

8.In general, neighborhood can be regarded as an easiest relationship between people for it (what are you referring to here?)doesn’t involve competitive matters. On the contrary, if you try to develop neighborhood, you can harvest a reward of interesting life and more friends around you.

(where is your summary ???????)

2  i feel i am lack of capability to make a sentense shorter without distorting my ideal. in china, my teacher said   some appropriate long sentense can be accepted by markers as long as its idea is clear and logical without grammer mistakes. but my  teacher still do not ecourage too many long sentenses (that is the same method with you and administor of this web). so, i will try my best towards that.

3 chrisluke921221 , i made t wo simple explanation marked with yellow color,  i don't know you could understand them.

below: my revised essay:

In recent years, more and more Chinese people have become indifferent and lack of care between people. Many people, as neighbors living in the same apartment, seldom do they greet each other in a lift. This essay will analyze some possible reasons behind this phenomenon and offer some recommendations for that.

First, accelerating life and work rhythm makes people put more time and efforts into their own businesses or tasks assigned by their bosses. Nowadays, hundreds of millions Chinese may think the same things: how much will I earn today, or how can I persuade a client to sign my contract today, and so forth. Therefore, when money has become theme of life, there is no room for people to store extra care to others around them, including our neighborhood. Secondly, the emerging communication ways make neighbors contact directly on their apartmental webpage or blog instead of a real face to face conversation. Consequently, neighbors may not understand as better as their roles on line.

Above surface situations may be just part of real reasons. According to those, there are some practical ways to alleviate it. First government should advocate a more reasonable development model to relieve intensive relationship of competition between people. Second, doing it on our own, we should learn to relax ourselves at home, in our block starting from saying hello to neighbors and forgetting money or beating competitors temporarily. When people bear less pressure in their business, most of us can be willing to make new friends beginning from neighbors, which will lead to a harmonious neighborhood.

In general, neighborhood can be regarded as an easiest relationship between people for it doesn’t involve competitive matters. On the contrary, if you try to develop neighborhood, you can harvest a reward of interesting life and more friends around you.

 

 

In recent years, more and more Chinese people have become indifferent and lack of care even who meet each other every day in a lift or corridor of an apartment. This essay will analyze some possible reasons behind this phenomenon and offer some recommendations for that. Great!

First, accelerating life and work rhythm make people pay their most part of time and put more time and efforts to their own businesses or tasks assigned by their managers employers. Now, for example, hundreds of millions Chinese think those every day: how much I will will I earn today, or how can I persuade that client sign my contract today, etc. Therefore, when people’s mind is exclusively occupied by the term of money there is no room for them to storing extra care to others around them, including our neighbors. We might forget saying “morning” to our neighbors in a lift everyday. Secondly, the emerging communication ways make neighbors can contact by a message on their apartmental webpage or blog instead of a real face to face conversation. Consequently, someone indeed became become shy in real world contrast with their successive chatting on internet with their neighbors. This should be further exploited by psychological analyses. In one word, intensive life style and new communication methods have contributed to less active contact between neighbors. ( This paraphraph is too heavy than para 3 eventhough you have so many great ideas to present . Maybe you would reconstruct and break it down a bit to make it more balanced)

As a result of this phenomenon, two harmful results are evident, one is that the whole society became mistrustful each other in reality and it is baneful for people’s mental health. But, there are some practical ways to alleviate it. First government should offer more spare time for their civilian by reducing social and development pressure, which is a macro solution (I don't really understand what you trying to say here). Second, doing it on our own, we should learn to relax ourselves at home, in our block starting from saying hello to neighbors and forgetting money or beating competitors temporarily. A community gathering is a example way of that solution.

In general, neighborhood can be regarded as an easiest relationship between people for it is without competition and just full of friends or relaxation. So, we should try to improve our neighborhood, which can return us a reward of interesting life and healthy psychology.

Just share some comments with you.

1.you wrote this essay totaling 357 words. It is a bit long .you might considering downsizing a bit in your second paragraph .

2. Average number of words per sentence: 21.  Shorten a bit.

3. In recent years, more and more Chinese people have become indifferent and lack of care even who meet each other every day in a lift or corridor of an apartment  (comma here?  before even,   but i just get confused about this sentence, something missing.....  who meet each other....... i suggest you read it again.)

4.First, accelerating life and work rhythm makes people pay their most part of time and efforts to their own businesses or tasks assigned by their managers

(your "Topic Sentence" is too long . Shorten it.     you can leave "assigned by their managers or whoever" to the second,third sentence with more detailed explanation.

by the way, i finally realize what you mean after reading twice....do you mean the accelerated rhythm of life makes.........  accelerating here looks like a verb to me....

   )

5. Now? nowadays?  hmmm..

6. hundreds of millions Chinese think those every day: how much I will earn today, or how can I persuade that (which one?  that? )client to sign my contract today, etc (do not use etc.  and so forth or others..)

(well.....i still do not think you need to be statistically accurate.... )

7. when people’s minds is (are) exclusively occupied by the term of money, there is no room for them to storing extra care to others around them, including our neighbors.

(hmm..for me, this sentence is not clearly spelt out. )

8.We might forget saying “morning” to our neighbors in a lift everyday

(in a lift everyday?????)

9.the emerging communication ways make neighbors can contact by a message on their apartmental webpage or blog instead of a real face to face conversation

(......im baffled....)

10.someone indeed became shy in real world contrast with their successive chatting on internet with their neighbors.

(become....and i fail to catch the drift......)

11.As a result of this phenomenon, two harmful results are evident,  (full stop.)

12.the whole society became mistrustful (of)each other in reality and it is baneful for people’s mental health

(well.....aint you supposed to start with your solution in this paragraph??????????  why did u make a list of "results"  .   hmm, step back to your point, you wrote there are two harmful results but i did not see your second "result".)

13. First government should offer more spare time for their civilian by reducing social and development pressure, which is a macro solution 

(same problem .  i just need a bit clarification tho...)

14.Second, doing it on our own. we should learn to relax ourselves at home, in our block starting from saying hello to neighbors and forgetting money or beating competitors temporarily.

(Fragments....and....)

15.In general, neighborhood can be regarded as an easiest relationship between people for it (what?)is without competition and just full of friends or relaxation. So, we should try to improve our neighborhood, which can return us a reward of interesting life and healthy psychology.????

Overall, i can tell that you have a great range of vocabulary But i feel you tried a bit too hard.  Use the vocabulary that you feel comfortable and do not use them if you are not 100% sure of....  plus, make your opinions more READABLE and straightforward. 

Again, Welcome to writefix and you reap what you sow. so keep writing......

An increasing number of people do not know their neighbors. What causes this situation, and how can it be solved?

In recent years, more and more Chinese people have become indifferent and lack of care even who meet each other every day in a lift or corridor of an apartment. This essay will analyze some possible reasons behind this phenomenon and offer some recommendations for that.

First, accelerating life and work rhythm make people pay their most part of time and efforts to their own businesses or tasks assigned by their managers. Now, for example, hundreds of millions Chinese think those every day: how much I will earn today, or how can I persuade that client sign my contract today, etc. Therefore, when people’s mind is exclusively occupied by the term of money there is no room for them to storing extra care to others around them, including our neighbors. We might forget saying “morning” to our neighbors in a lift everyday. Secondly, the emerging communication ways make neighbors can contact by a message on their apartmental webpage or blog instead of a real face to face conversation. Consequently, someone indeed became shy in real world contrast with their successive chatting on internet with their neighbors. This should be further exploited by psychological analyses. In one word, intensive life style and new communication methods have contributed to less active contact between neighbors.

As a result of this phenomenon, two harmful results are evident, one is that the whole society became mistrustful each other in reality and it is baneful for people’s mental health. But, there are some practical ways to alleviate it. First government should offer more spare time for their civilian by reducing social and development pressure, which is a macro solution. Second, doing it on our own, we should learn to relax ourselves at home, in our block starting from saying hello to neighbors and forgetting money or beating competitors temporarily. A community gathering is a example way of that solution.

In general, neighborhood can be regarded as an easiest relationship between people for it is without competition and just full of friends or relaxation. So, we should try to improve our neighborhood, which can return us a reward of interesting life and healthy psychology.