Thanks for this essay and welcome to Writefix.com!

Your essays is 365 words long, which is a little high. I recommend between 270 to 325 words.  You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page-  this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org.

Your average sentence length is 18.25, which is definitely too high. I recommend that you add some very short sentences (4-10 words) for their impact and to reduce the average. I also recommend that you split longer sentences and try to have fewer ideas per sentence.

Overall you have a very good command of structure and an enviable vocabulary. My main recommendation is to reduce your sentence length and eliminate unnecessary words.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• They will analyses what are their current needs and not simply relying on those advertisements to tell them what they need. → They will analyze their needs and not simply rely on advertisements to tell them what they need.

Cohesion

You wrote:

In addition, some products might also be able to create a ‘real need’ in the society such as Apple products.

‘In addition’ is not correct here. You have been discussing informed consumers and how they don’t simply respond to ads. ‘However’ would be a better choice: you are now discussing how Apple created a demand for their products.

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

It has been used to captivate the society’s consumptions in order to increase the volume of sales of the companies. (20 words)

Here's a shorter version:

Advertising attracts consumers and increases sales.  (6 words)

• Since famous celebrities have massive influences in the market, the advertisers use the celebrities as a bait to create wants from the societies.  (23 words)

Advertisers use celebrities and their massive influence to create a demand.  (11 words)

• For example, perfumes represented by Madonna might cast a huge charm on her fans to have those.

For example, perfumes represented by Madonna are very likely to be popular with her fans

You wrote:

Moreover, the matching of the advertisements and today’s society issues also represent the relationship between advertisement and society needs. For instance, health issues that have merged recently caused consumers to react towards related advertised goods. (35 words, 2 sentences, 17.5 words per sentence)

This might benefit from a more specific example:

Moreover, advertising often reflects issues in society. After recent scandals over baby food ingredients, consumers are more concerned about health and safety.  Advertisers have responded by stressing the health benefits or strict quality control of their products. (38 words, 3 sentences, 12.7 words per sentence)

However

Avoid using ‘however’ to join sentences. You wrote:

In summary, I agree that advertisements ‘brainwash’ the consumers’ attitude towards needs to some extent, however, the real need still underlies in the consumers’ inner decision.

Here’s the easiest way to fix this problem: Write two sentences!

In summary, I agree that advertisements brainwash consumers to some extent. However, the real need still lies in the consumers’ inner decisions and needs.

You can also do this, using a semicolon, but I don’t recommend it:

In summary, I agree that advertisements brainwash consumers to some extent; however, the real need still lies in the consumers’ inner decisions and needs.

Go for the first option, and keep your sentences short. Your readers will love you for it.

Nowadays, advertising has been playing a significant role in spreading propaganda in terms of products among the society. It has been used to captivate the society’s consumptions in order to increase the volume of sales of the companies. In this essay, I will discuss if the advertised goods reflect what we really need or we have been influenced by the advertisement.

First of all, there is always misuse of information in advertisement. Advertisement contains only positive information of the product. For instance, skin care products and hair products only expose their potential consumers with their effective solutions to magnetizing their buyers. Other than that, the method of advertising also acts crucially in creating an attraction of the product by using celebrities. Since famous celebrities have massive influences in the market, the advertisers use the celebrities as a bait to create wants from the societies. For example, perfumes represented by Madonna might cast a huge charm on her fans to have those.

In contrast, not all consumers are affected by these advertisements. Informed consumers tend to compare and contrast the information of the products. They will analyses what are their current needs and not simply relying on those advertisements to tell them what they need. Hence, consumers will purchase only advertised goods that represent their needs. In addition, some products might also be able to create a ‘real need’ in the society such as Apple products. Apple had successfully created a ‘new’ real need in the society, the ‘touch screen’ function and the ‘App store’ function. These two functions are able to simplify our daily life and thus, have become a need to the society. Moreover, the matching of the advertisements and today’s society issues also represent the relationship between advertisement and society needs. For instance, health issues that have merged recently caused consumers to react towards related advertised goods.

In summary, I agree that advertisements ‘brainwash’ the consumers’ attitude towards needs to some extent, however, the real need still underlies in the consumers’ inner decision. A consumer is responsible in satisfying his or her own need and thus, if buying a particular good can satisfy his or her needs, then, that is the ‘real need’.

Hi there, I need your opinions from the essay I have wrote. Please comment on my essay and if possible i would like to know which band does my writing deserve to be. Thank you so much :)