Many thanks for your response and kind words!

You are absolutely right about "I" and "we" and about making the essay personal and giving your opinion. It's what the IELTS question asks. Good advice!

Hoping to see an essay from you here very soon! 

This is a good question. Definitely , you can use " I" and "we" when you are asked to give your opinion. I see many IELTS teachers make a mistake when advise student to do not be a subjective in their essays, as they compare IELTS exam with an article they make at universities. In those academic institutes you are highly recommended to not use " I" and "We" in your papers. But in IELTS is quite different. When you are asked to use opinion feel free to put I and we in your essay. To prove that , you can simply take a look at Cambridge 's essays that put their opinions  having "I" and consider them as a very good example( Band score 9).

And thanks again to Mr.Enda for those valuable/useful/worthy comments. Just want to say please  use more idioms and phrases in your comments as we benefit greatly  from them in spoken language or speaking module, while hardly to see them in such forums.

Best regards,

Thank you for helping me to modify this essay. My IELTS exam is on October 13. I need to get 7 on each section. Yesterday I found this website, and I posted my essay on it. It's so glad for me that you guys can help me to revise it. I appreciate it.

One more question: Can I use "I" "You" or "we" these first or second personal pronoun in an essay? My college English teacher said it is not permitted to use in an essay.

Thanks for this essay and welcome to Writefix.

Unfortunately there are only a few days left but it looks like you got some great comments from Christyzhongs and DavidLee already.

I’d agree with what they said. 369 words is too long.

Word Count

You should aim to write between 250 and 300 or maybe 320 words - any more and you may be penalizing yourself due to rushed writing and increased errors. There is no penalty for writing more than 250, but you will be tired by the time it comes to Task 2 writing, and many candidates who write long essays actually score lower because of mistakes in grammar or layout.

Print out this sample IELTS Writing Task 2 Answer sheet from the official IELTS website, and practice writing by hand in 35 - 40 minutes. For most people, 300 words is about a page and a half. There are 20 lines on each side.

It’s important to practice by hand at least once or twice. Typing on the computer is not the same. You don’t have time to reorganize when you are writing by hand.  You have to get it right the first time.

Shorter Sentences

As well as shortening the overall essay, I’d agree with DavidLee that you should aim for shorter sentences. Your average sentence is 20.44 words. That’s too long. Check here (copy and paste your essay) at http://www.read-able.com. 

Aim for a mix of structures – short (4-8 words), long (12-20 or 23 words). A lot of your sentences could be cut drastically and be made more effective.

Shorten/Simplify

• Some financial news also indicates that whether it is a good opportunity to invest in a property or not. (19 words)

Here's a shorter rewrite:

Financial news can indicate when suggest when to buy property. (10 words)

This is a 47-word monster.

• Furthermore, people can make comment on the government administration policy when they receive news from the newspaper and TV; people can also get involved in events such as election of a new senator or a president when this news is established in the newspaper or on TV. (47 words)

I know you are aiming for a particular style but the repetition is unnecessary;

By keeping informed, people can comment on government policy and make better choices when electing politicians. (16 words)   OR

By reading newspapers or watching the news, people can comment on government policy and make better choices when electing politicians. (20 words) 

Some ideas can be joined. You don’t always need to separate the idea from the example, particularly if they are very close. Sometimes, you can eliminate the example if it doesn’t really add anything. You wrote:

• Lastly, people can enjoy sharing information with the others after reading news. They are enabled to have more topics to share with their friends or relatives.  (26 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite. We understand ‘family and friends and others’ -  there’s no need to drag it out.

Lastly, people can enjoy discussing the news.    OR  

Another point is that following the news can make you more interesting to talk to.   OR  

Another point is that it’s more interesting to talk to people who keep up with the news. They are more aware of local and world events and can contribute to a better debate on important issues.

Vocabulary

You have some inappropriate or wrong vocab choices. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Lexical Resource.

• Some people predicate that it is a complete waste of time

Some people think/suggest/claim/say/believe/feel/are of the opinion that it is a complete waste of time.

NOT ‘predicate.’ Nobody says ‘predicate.’ Ever.  Bury it.  It’s a disappointing start to an otherwise good essay.

You wrote:

• They can also reach their hands and donate goods to these areas

Here’s one possible rewrite:

They can reach into their pockets and donate money or goods…  OR

They can reach out and help these areas

You wrote:

• Obviously, people can have an incomparable conversation and enjoy their leisure time. (12 words)

Don’t overuse cohesive devices such as ‘Admittedly,’ ‘Obviously,’ ‘Moreover.’ (Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion, and look for the phrase ‘overuse’). This sentence doesn’t need anything.

The word choice 'incomparable' is too strong. I don’t know if I’d ever had an incomparable moment discussing the Greek budget deficit.

People can enjoy discussing the news or gossiping about celebrities. (10 words)  

By removing unnecessary words, you get more space for ideas and examples.

Verb Tense

• Without reading the news, people never know how devastating impact that the earthquake has on Haiti. 

• Without reading the news, people would/could never know the devastating impact the earthquake had on Haiti.   OR
• …people would/could never know how devastating the earthquake was on Haiti   OR
• …people would/could never know the devastating impact of the earthquake on Haiti.

You wrote:

• reading news in the newspaper or watch it on TV  (10 words) → reading or watching the news (5 words)

Standard phrases/template:

You have many good things in this essay, so I think you could relax a little. You don’t need all those ‘-ly’ words at the start of many sentences. This is a little suspect too:

• To sum up, …..X……. is inextricably linked to people’s daily lives and brings a large number of advantages to the society.

(Insert any topic at X)

You don’t need to rely on these: your writing is fine without them and your grammar is generally good. You can be a little more adventurous!

But don’t go over 300 words! 

Again, thanks for the essay, and thanks to ChristyZhongs and DavideLee for their helpful and accurate comments.

Grammar is good, but the sentence is a bit long, and u need a thesis sentence too

First of all, reading news in the newspaper or watching news on TV can help people to broaden and enhance their knowledge. News includes daily life events such as health, science investigations and researches. People can learn how to eat more healthy and live better from these news. Some financial news also indicates (I dont think this word is good to use here) that whether it is a good opportunity to invest in a property or not. News provides intelligence without belittling; therefore, people can absolve (absorb) the useful information and enrich their knowledge (second time use this phrase). 

Secondly, Ffrequently reading news frequently in the newspaper or watching it on TV can help people to know what is happening in the world. Without reading the news, people never know how devastating impact that the earthquake has on Haiti. They can also reach their hands and donate goods to these areas. Furthermore, people can make comment on the government administration policy when they receive news from the newspaper and TV; people can also get involved in events such as election of a new senator or a president when this news is established in the newspaper or on TV. (I dont think this sentence makes sense) Therefore(As I remember therefore cant use in front of the sentence), news plays a remarkable role in people’s daily lives.

To sum up, news is inextricably linked to people’s daily lives and brings a large number of advantages to the society. If people put more patient in reading news or watching news on TV (again), they can obtain more benefit from it.

Overall, the lexis of u is really great, there wont be any problems about ur lexical resources, if u remember all these good words. I agree with the advices from Christy, its all good advices.

Ur English is good, just cut down ur long sentences and throw the overdued phrases, u will be fine.

David

I think It brings your clear points of view to the reader on this topic.

• Too long

Not sure if you finish this essay within 40mins, It seems too long which is 369 words. You would better make it shorter. You can use Microsoft Word to count your words

• Follow Template?

I feel your structure following template and I highlight the connection words below looks like some structure from template(not sure, just feeling)^_^   Besides, I noticed there are two paragraph ending sentence start with 'Therefore'.  a little boring:p

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First of all, reading news in the newspaper or watching news on TV can help people to broaden and enhance their knowledge. News includes daily life events such as health, science investigations and researches. People can learn how to eat more healthy and live better from these news. Some financial news also indicates that whether it is a good opportunity to invest in a property or not. News provides intelligence without belittling; therefore, people can absolve the useful information and enrich their knowledge.  

Secondly, Frequently reading news in the newspaper or watch it on TV can help people to know what is happening in the world. Without reading the news, people never know how devastating impact that the earthquake has on Haiti. They can also reach their hands and donate goods to these areas. Furthermore, people can make comment on the government administration policy when they receive news from the newspaper and TV; people can also get involved in events such as election of a new senator or a president when this news is established in the newspaper or on TV. Therefore, news plays a remarkable role in people’s daily lives.

Lastly, people can enjoy sharing information with the others after reading news. They are enabled to have more topics to share with their friends or relatives. Moreover, when significant events such as the London Olympic games or the Oscars occur, people may not only discuss the athlete or the movie stars, but also enjoy the moment that they communicate with others. Obviously, people can have an incomparable conversation and enjoy their leisure time.

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• Redundant:

For example, the following two sentense.  I think 'Without reading the news' can change to 'Otherwise'.

Frequently reading news in the newspaper or watch it on TV can help people to know what is happening in the world. Without reading the news, people never know how devastating impact that the earthquake has on Haiti.

BTW, I don't agree the following point of view: News provides intelligence without belittling- seems not true for all the news.

Some people predicate that it is a complete waste of time to read the news in the newspaper or watch TV news because they believe that news has no connection with their lives. However, spending time in obtaining news has significant advantages for people such as being broadened and enhanced with new knowledge, being informed with the latest events, and enjoying their relaxation.

First of all, reading news in the newspaper or watching news on TV can help people to broaden and enhance their knowledge. News includes daily life events such as health, science investigations and researches. People can learn how to eat more healthy and live better from these news. Some financial news also indicates that whether it is a good opportunity to invest in a property or not. News provides intelligence without belittling; therefore, people can absolve the useful information and enrich their knowledge.  

Secondly, Frequently reading news in the newspaper or watch it on TV can help people to know what is happening in the world. Without reading the news, people never know how devastating impact that the earthquake has on Haiti. They can also reach their hands and donate goods to these areas. Furthermore, people can make comment on the government administration policy when they receive news from the newspaper and TV; people can also get involved in events such as election of a new senator or a president when this news is established in the newspaper or on TV. Therefore, news plays a remarkable role in people’s daily lives.

To sum up, news is inextricably linked to people’s daily lives and brings a large number of advantages to the society. If people put more patient in reading news or watching news on TV, they can obtain more benefit from it