Hi Elleh, and welcome to Writefix!

First some numbers from http://www.online-utility.org/english/readability_test_and_improve.jsp.

• Your  essay is 207 words long, which would be too short for IELTS (it requires 250);
• Average sentence length is 20.70 words per sentence: I recommend an average sentence length of about 12-15. Not every sentence needs to be this long: you should aim for a mix of short and long sentences.  Topic sentences are often short.
• Your reading difficulty indexes are quite high: the easier to read (the lower the index), the better.  

Even though you only have 207 words, you have a lot of ideas. The problem is that the ideas are not fully developed.  For example, at the end of Para 2 you write:

Also, men can not do multitask work compared with women. (10 words)

This is not developed. You need to either leave it out or else develop it fully.  For example:

Another point is that men are not as good as women at multitasking.  For example, women are able to cook, clean, watch a baby and use the phone at the same time, while men prefer to concentrate on one thing at a time. Raising children requires a wide range  of skills -  often at the same  time! (57 words!)

Aim to have three ideas on one side, and three ideas on the other side. Each idea gets one sentence. This is followed by an example sentence.  You will end up with an essay with a 3773 structure.

Here’s your paragraph reorganized slightly. I’ve kept most of your ideas.

Example of body paragraph from 3773 layout essay

Now, all you need is another paragraph just like the one above, about men!

It has to be equally long and equally organized: it must be symmetrical.

An alternative is to write the entire essay from one side. This is fine as long as you have enough ideas and develop them fully, using a 35553 essay layout.

A couple of small vocab/usage issues:

It has debated that women make better parents than men

Rewrite this: just say what you mean, or say what many people think. Omit the passive –  keep it for Task 1. So you could write: Some people claim that women make better parents than men. 

 …although it is also known that men are the walls of a family, but women will always be the light of the household.

Again, omit the passive. Who knows this? You could write that "In my country, men are the walls of the family while women are the light of the household." It's a little flowery, as well – simpler is better. Does it contribute to the meaning of the sentence before?

Use modals and qualifiers –  can be, could be, may be, are often, are sometimes, are possibly – instead of direct blanket statements or generalizations.   

Again, thanks for your essay and I hope you can help some of the other people here.

Hi Damoon and welcome back!

More children choose their mother to speak about events that happened to them in their life. This was result of a recent research that was done in kindergartens of Tehran city. Psychologists say it refers to women’s mental specifications that they are better listener than men.

Specifications -  other choices could be : psychological characteristics, innate features, natural predisposition, mental make-up, biological wiring, upbringing, nature, biological programming.... 

Of course all of these are risky because some readers will disagree with definitions of women or men as being 'programmed' or different!

Hello shuaishuai000 and welcome to Writefix!

Your essay is fine. It has 249 words! (well done!) and 16.6. words per sentence – not bad. When we remove some comma splices and fragments, this drops. Good!

Word Choice/Usage

Here are some minor edits and shortened sentences

• They are more dedicated to children than men do. → They are more dedicated to children than men are.
• Moreover, women are generally better at communicating than men do. → Moreover, women are generally better at communicating than men are
• Not surprisingly, mothers are always the first choice to be talked when the child has problems or inquires →
  Not surprisingly, mothers are always the first choice when the child has problems or inquiries
• The girls had been building caring skills and responsibility from the very early stage of their lives → Girls learn caring and responsibility very early.
• For example, when a married couple with child, it is most likely the mother stays at home while the father goes to work. →
    
  For example, when a married couple has a child, it is most likely the mother who stays at home while the father goes to work.   

OR
Mothers are more likely to stay at home while fathers go out to work.

Comma Splice

Don’t join what should be separate sentences with commas, and don't use Therefore to join sentences. It becomes very complicated and needs semicolons. Just break them into separate sentences.

• For a child to grow happy and healthily, both parents need close interaction with the child, therefore, mothers and fathers are needed to raise child by engaging their role effectively and efficiently.
• For a child to grow happy and healthily, both parents need close interaction with the child. Therefore mothers and fathers are both needed to raise children by engaging in their roles effectively and efficiently.

Hi Suaishuai000!

Yes, of course you are welcome! The more the better!

If you have time, please comment (even a few words!) on any essay. There are new ones today from nda_quang, on student clubs, and from emkoxinh about international sports events and politics. Or any essay or comment you see!

Good to have you around!

Hi Brian

The tools at the top of the page are very useful (see "Useful Links" at the top of every forum page)

• Word count and readability tool 1, from Read-Able.com
• Word count and readability tool 2, from online-utility.org
• Word analysis , from Read-Able.com – which words does your essay use most?
• How to check your work in Microsoft Word

Some of the information is for native speakers, not learners, and some of the figures such as Gunning Fog, or Flesch Kincaid or other indexes are very US-oriented. Still they are helpful indicators.

Generally, students aiming for a Band 6 or 7 should have simple and clear essays. There should be no need for them to require 12 years of schooling for a native speaker to read - in other words they should have low figures for Flesch-Kincaid and Gunning-Fog (a low number of years required in order to be able to read the essay or wrtting), and a high score (percentage) for Flesch.

Have a look at this page about readability - it explains some of the readability scores that are given for the essays in this section in Writefix

If you are aiming for Band 8 or 9, then perhaps - only perhaps - might there be more complexity and therefore lowered readability. But I still think all candidates should try to write simply. It's not a term paper or an academic piece: it's a simple opinion essay in just 250 words.

How to improve readability

• Have shorter sentences
• Avoid using the passive
• Use shorter words. Don't use 'commence' when you can use 'start'
• Have more verbs and fewer nouns
• Break up long sentences
• Avoid long complicated clauses (which, that, whereas, although) -  they are very useful, but two clauses is enough in an essay.
• Don't try to impress by squeezing in unnecessary vocabulary. Just use the simplest and most well-known term

Other tools

There are other tools. You can find the most frequent words in your essay here, which will help you avoid repetition. Grammarly.com checks for grammar and style errors. Wordcounter.com does what it says. There are many others, and many sites are happy to take your money and check your essay for you. Don't bother with these.

Some of these sites are a little confusing.

My recommendation: Fix your essay first in Microsoft Word (get rid of all green and red underlines) and then use one or two of the links in "Useful Links"

Hope this helps a little.