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Its generally believe that some people are born with talents, for instance, for sport or musician, and other are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a sports person or musicians.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Some people maintain that those excellent sport stars and musicians are talented when they were born. Other, however, some people trust that as we give more supports and teach children as hard as we can, they can become a sport stars and musicians. In this essay, I will give some analysis of both sides and illustrate my opinions.
In this present-day age, we can be entertained by sports and fantastic music, which is performed by some famous celebrities with talents. Take Mo-Yo-Yo, a well-known musician from Taiwan, for example since he was exposed by music, he have won a host of awards in this areas. Most his parents said that Ma has a gift which let him is amazingly keen on music and good at it without heavy trains.
On the other hand, many people think that when we keep practicing. One day, we can become a good sports and musicians. Take Jeremy Lin for instance. People all knew that Jeremy had been sitting in the bench and been waiting an opportunity to play in NBA for a long time, before he became precious. The reason why he is popular now is that he believed himself and did not quit when people look less than him. Although he did not own an inborn talent like others, he gave his efforts. Finally, he became a remarkable player in NBA.
In my view, I believe that becoming an excellent sports and musicians have to gain both talents and hard-working. It is shame that people are born with certain talents, but waste their time to exploit, and show off too much. To sum up, I will say that a successful sports and musicians need to have one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percents perspirations.
2:02 am
March 7, 2012
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Hi Nick,
Im going on to put some comments on your essay directly. First of all, as Mr ENda always wants to show us you used some long sentences.As http://www.read-able.com/check.php shows Number of words per sentence is 18.5
I guess you did not rewrite your essay as I see some classic errors in your essay while Im sure you know those are incorrect.
The next thing I should say is that you used punctuation in a wrong way where in some case the reader thinks you wants to go further while you put a point. (On the other hand, many people think that when we keep practicing. )
Here I am going to look at the essay step-by-step.
Some people maintain that those excellent sport stars and musicians are talented when they were born. Other, however, some people trust that as we give more supports and teach children as hard as we can, they can become a sport stars and musicians. In this essay, I will give some analysis of both sides and illustrate my opinions.
Some people think that excellent sports starts and musicians are talented when they are born.Others, however, believe that
people through hard working and given support could become either a sport stars or a musicians. In this essay, I will make some analysis of both sides and give my opinion.
In this present-day age, we can be entertained by sports and fantastic music, which is performed by some famous celebrities with talents. Take Mo-Yo-Yo, a well-known musician from Taiwan, for example since he was exposed by music, he have won a host of awards in this areas. Most his parents said that Ma has a gift which let him is amazingly keen on music and good at it without heavy trains.
I think we should put a sentence with much more relevant to the rest of paragraph.
punctuation: when you use for example in middle of sentence ,put comma before and after it.
Most his parents makes none sense.
Here my paragraph,
Today, we can see some gifted sports and musicians who seem that benefit from some skills naturally. Mo-Yo-YO, a well-known musician from Taiwan, for example, since he has exposed by music in early age, he has won a host of awards in this field. Recently his parents has confessed that Ma has a gift that makes him amazingly keen on music with less trains.
On the other hand, many people think that when we keep practicing. One day, we can become a good sports and musicians. Take Jeremy Lin for instance. People all knew that Jeremy had been sitting in the bench and been waiting an opportunity to play in NBA for a long time, before he became precious. The reason why he is popular now is that he believed himself and did not quit when people look less than him. Although he did not own an inborn talent like others, he gave his efforts. Finally, he became a remarkable player in NBA.
However, many people hold this view that we could become an excellent sport or musicians if we keep practice. Jeremy Lin, for instance, after a long time sitting on the bench in NBA league, at last he could prove his abilities and became a star in his team. The reason why he is popular would be he never gave up. Although it seems that he had not inborn talents as much as other talented basketball players had, still very diligent and hardworking to succeed.
In my view, I believe that becoming an excellent sports and musicians have to gain both talents and hard-working. It is shame that people are born with certain talents, but waste their time to exploit, and show off too much. To sum up, I will say that a successful sports and musicians need to have one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percents perspirations.
Perspiration is uncountable
To sum up, I do believe that to become a successful sport or a musician, one needs to have both talents and determination to work hard. And also I think that in most cases successful sports and musicians believe in one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percents perspiration.
At the end, I hope Mr.Enda helps us in this case. I should say thanks to Mr Enda because spend some time on our essays.
9:19 am
March 7, 2012
Offline
Im afraid my style of post does not look pretty good . I do not know how Mr.Enda uses whole of facilities of site.
8:50 am
Hi Nick and thanks for this essay. I like it because of the examples.
It’s 296 words long and scores well on most readability indexes (click on the picture of the analysis from http://www.read-able.com and see all the green scores!). Your average sentence length is still a bit high, at 18.5 however, and some of your sentences can be tightened up.
You have a clear and simple layout (intro, para 2 - we are born with talents, para 3 – talented people need to practice, conclusion). However, it would be better if you had more examples: you have only one for each. It’s nice and parallel, though!
You finish with a great quote properly used in a nice short sentence. Overall, try to simplify your sentences even more and to keep them below 20 words. Your average sentence length should be about 12-15 words.
Word Form/Word Choice/Usage
- He did not quit when people look less than him. → He did not quit when people looked down on him. (?)
- Although he did not own an inborn talent like others, he gave his efforts. → Although he did not own an inborn talent like others, he kept up/maintained/increased his effort.
- I believe that becoming an excellent sports and musicians have to gain both talents and hard-working. → I believe that becoming an excellent sports and musicians requires both talents and hard-work.
- one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percents perspirations. → one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. (also spotted by Brian!)
- In this present-day age → Today
- In this current e-age → Today
- We are living in an age of technology, gadgets and e-life. → Today
- In the current era life is developing more rapidly than before → Today
Shorten/Simplify
Some sentences are correct but could be shorter. Others are long and run into problems.
- Some people maintain that those excellent sport stars and musicians are talented when they were born. →
Some people maintain that excellent sport stars and musicians are talented from birth.
- In this present-day age, we can be entertained by sports and fantastic music, which is performed by some famous celebrities with talents. (22 words) →
Famous athletes and musicians amaze us with their incredible talent. (10 words)
- Most his parents said that Ma has a gift which let him is amazingly keen on music and good at it without heavy trains. →
According to his parents, Ma had a natural musical gift and did not need hours of training and practice.
- People all knew that Jeremy had been sitting in the bench and been waiting an opportunity to play in NBA for a long time, before he became precious. (28 words)
Jeremy waited on the benches for a long time before he became famous in the NBA. (16 words)
- Other, however, some people trust that as we give more supports and teach children as hard as we can, they can become a sport starsand musicians. (27 words) →
Others, however, believe that if we really support and teach our children, they can become sports stars and musicians. (19 words)
Punctuation: Comma Splice
Don’t use commas to join sentences that should be separate
Take Mo-Yo-Yo, a well-known musician from Taiwan, for example since he was exposed by music, he have won a host of awards in this areas.
Take Yo-Yo Ma, a well-known musician from Taiwan, for example. He has won many awards for his music.
Who is the musician? Is this him?
Punctuation: Fragments
On the other hand, many people think that when we keep practicing. One day, we can become a good sports and musicians.
As Brian said, this should be rewritten:
On the other hand, many people think that if we keep practicing, we can become good players and musicians.
Generic Sentence
This sentence could be used in a million essays. Don’t use generic sentences like these.
In this essay, I will give some analysis of both sides and illustrate my opinions.
It could be made more specific or related to the topic as follows:
In this essay, I will look at a famous athlete and musician to show why I believe we need both talent and hard work.
8:53 am
Hi Brian
Very good suggestions for Nick. You found some punctuation problems and some unclear vocab choice and spelling, and you worked hard to give alternative paragraphs.
I really liked the way you replaced "In the present-day age" with the much clearer and simpler "Today"!
Great work! I hope Nick found the ideas useful.
Repeated subject
Watch out for repeated subjects. You wrote
Mo-Yo-YO, a well-known musician from Taiwan, for example, since he has exposed by music in early age, he has won a host of awards in this field.
This could be rewritten
For example, Mo-Yo-Yo, a well-known musician from Taiwan, has won a host of awards since being exposed to music when young.
Here's another:
Jeremy Lin, for instance, after a long time sitting on the bench in NBA league, at last he could prove his abilities and became a star in his team.
This could be rewritten:
After a long time sitting on the bench in the NBA league, Jeremy Lin finally proved his abilities and became a star in his team.
I like both your conclusion and Nick's. Here's yours:
To sum up, I believe that to become a successful sport or a musician, one needs to have both talents and determination to work hard. And also I think that in most cases successful sports and musicians believe in one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percents perspiration.
HI Mr.Enda I wanna let you know that your correction is really helpful
and I got my score from a non official test in school ! It is 7!!!!!
I will keep doing this and thank you all this !!! I will have my next official test on June 9 wish me luck : )) and I will back here to help everyone!!
9:10 am
Thanks Nick
Keep posting - you have a few weeks left. Try to become really comfortable at writing by hand in 40 minutes. It’s easier for most people to write on the computer, but it’s really tough doing it by hand because you can’t reorganize ideas as you write.
So set your countdown timer on your mobile phone or watch, or use the one at the top of this page, and practice writing by hand. It’s hard work!
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