Enda is not here, I cant evaluate the essay correct, anyway, just give my shot. Hope it can works.

Over the past few years, there have been more and more children taking part in paid work for many purposes concerning money, work experience, skills and so on. The question is whether starting going to work early is definitely beneficial or harmful to  themselves.  (I dont think its a good thesis sentence, coz I wrote it before and Enda crticize me. You should tell the readers what is beneficial and what is drawbacks.)

To begin with, it is undeniable that children who are engaged in paid work might accumulate a myriad of work experience and skills including team-work, leadership, problem-solving and communication. Another evidence is that during working process with hard efforts, teenagers might understand the value of money, thereby, partly helping their parents in dealing with financial problems. Furthermore, they are not only become more independent than their peers on the individual level, but they also make a great contribution to reduce the unemployment rate, on the national level.

Try to cut off ur sentences, its way too long.

However, we should also bear in mind that participating in the workforce early can lead to some drawbacks. (what's shortcomings? top sentence is not good.)In reality, kids, at the age of growing, they have not yet developed completely in both physical and metal sides. Thus, if they have to work too much, they could suffer heath deterioration due to stress and pressure. Moreover, so passionate with work are children that they have not enough time to concentrate on academic studying at school. Hence, they have to face a bad results or even drop-out. Finally, although the unemployment rate of countries might decrease, the number of children who are abused by manual work with low income is increasingly rise.

In conclusion, the issue of children's taking part in the workforce has pros and cons. The disadvantages seem to be stronger than the benefits. I suppose that children should be engaged in some sorts of paid work to gain more experience, skills and responsibilities. However, they have to balance their work versus heath and studying at school.

Actually, the luxical and intro is fine. BUT tons of overdue words are appeared in ur essay, it means overuse. The structure is fine, while the sentence is too long.

I dont like ur thesis and top sentence, just throw it away coz its meaningless. pros and cons? What is it exactly? Readers need to find it back.

David