Hi Youtthasack

Thanks for this essay!

Introduction

Your wrote

As the increasing old-age population in many countries, many claim that this would cause burden to their government, while some insist that this is a good trend. This essay will explain two main reasons to support the negative points. There are a lack of workforce and a strain on health care system.

I would reorganize your intro a little. You’ve got almost everything

• Background: The number of older people is rising
• One side: It’s good to have old people (no reason given)
• Other side: Some people think this is bad because of the strain (1) on the workforce and (2) on the health system.
• Thesis:  two reasons
• Opinion -  not specified directly, but we assume you think it’s negative. Maybe you could make this clearer.

Here’s a rewrite

The number of older people in the population in many countries is rising rapidly. This rise can mean a wealth of experience and a safer society, but it also comes at a cost.  In this essay, I will look at the impact of an older population on healthcare and on the labor force.

Paragraph Two

Your second paragraph has quite a lot of repetition and not a lot of meat…

The increasing of senior citizens would create health problem. It is inevitable for older age to get more health diseases, according to biologic fact. Their bodies become weaker and so that get illness easily. Therefore many efforts are tried to cope the matter such as a large budget, medical research and time. Every year there are more older patients in hospital, for example.

Here’s a rewrite with less repetition and more examples

Despite improved life expectancy, older people get more diseases, as their bodies become weaker. Treating these conditions such as X,Y and Z  and other degenerative diseases can be very expensive, costing far more than treating the medical problems of childhood. Many conditions are chronic, requiring constant medication or treatment as well as care from medical staff and care-givers. All these factors can place a lot of strain on government or private healthcare systems and on the taxes that workers pay.

Paragraph Three

Your third paragraph needs some work:

Nevertheless, the nation will lack labor and have more retirees. Workers are very important to function all the jobs contributing to social development. When the number of workforce can not meet the progress’ demand, the economics would move slower or even collapse. If there are less workers working in industry, those plants would reduce their operation, for example.

Nevertheless is wrong here. Start with ‘Another problem’

Another problem is that the economy may be less productive. A growing economy needs workers in many different areas. Without enough young workers, the country may have to use immigrant workers or reduce production, and some plants may even move to other countries. In addition, fewer workers means less spending, depressing the economy further.

 Conclusion

Your conclusion is OK, but you are introducing new material -  about the contribution of older people. Why not develop this and make it the second paragraph in your essay? You would easily reach 250 words! Don’t introduce new material in your conclusion. This sentence should be a summary of an earlier paragraph.

Hi Youtthasack

Hmmm, not really a lot of mistakes! As I said, you've got most of the right things in your essay! 

Anyway the main point is that you are working hard to improve and learn from any mistakes you might make. Well done!