Hello Radha

Thanks for this essay on tourism. 

The biggest change I would make would be to the introduction. How could we make the introduction more specific?

Tourism "Introduction"

Undoubtedly, there are some advantages of tourism in the global world of today.However, the disadvantages should not be overlooked. In this essay, I will outline the most important role tourism plays in a country's development and highlight the main drawbacks related to the same.

Panda Exchanges  - a very very very similar introduction

Undoubtedly, there are some advantages of panda exchanges in the global world of today.However, the disadvantages should not be overlooked. In this essay, I will outline the most important role panda exchanges play in a country's development and highlight the main drawbacks related to the same.

Computers in Schools - a very very very similar introduction

Undoubtedly, there are some advantages of computers in schools in the global world of today.However, the disadvantages should not be overlooked. In this essay, I will outline the most important role computers in schools play in a country's development and highlight the main drawbacks related to the same.

Don't use these kind of introductions! Talk about tourism! Give an example! Say what you are going to say! Be specific!  Go on - write just a good intro for us!

Usage/Vague or fuzzy phrases

in the global world of today ==> today

olden days ==> the past.

(The past, Radha, the past. "Olden days" is a phrase which was used in the "olden days", but now is a cliché and should be avoided like the plague.)

Subject and verb

Don't separate the subject and the verb with a comma. If in doubt, leave commas out.

On the contrary,the major drawback is,it could badly affect the native culture.

On the contrary, the major drawback is it could badly affect the native culture. OR

On the contrary, the major drawback is that it could badly affect the native culture.

  

A striking example is, in my country India there are many special places which are not being visited by the locals in spite of much publicity resulting in loss of money for the government.

A striking example is domestic tourism in India. In spite of expensive advertising campaigns aimed at attracting local tourists to many beautiful places within the country, many travellers prefer to go abroad.

I've added more meat to the sentence above. Let's get rid of fluffy (except for pandas, of course).

Don't forget: We'd love to see a good, specific, non-generic, non-fluffy introduction on tourism!

Hi Radha

Thanks for responding to the challenge!

You wrote

Tourism is a flourishing industry which is promoted by many countries. Although some people believe that tourism is not much important, others feel that it has some good advantages. In this essay, I will discuss my views related to the argument.

It's a little better. But we could still write it about 1000 topics by changing the word "tourism." See these boring examples, and then forget about them and never ever use them again:

The space industry

The space industry is a flourishing industry which is promoted by many countries. Although some people believe that the space industry is not much important , others feel that it has some good advantages. In this essay, I will discuss my views related to the argument.

Information Technology

Information technology is a flourishing industry which is promoted by many countries. Although some people believe that information technology is not much important, others feel that it has some good advantages. In this essay, I will discuss my views related to the argument.

Medical Tourism

Medical Tourism is a flourishing industry which is promoted by many countries. Although some people believe that medical tourism is not much important, others feel that it has some good advantages. In this essay, I will discuss my views related to the argument.

Biofuels

Biofuels are a flourishing industry which is promoted by many countries. Although some people believe that biofuels are not much important, others feel that it has some good advantages. In this essay, I will discuss my views related to the argument.

As you can see, these generic introductions could be used for a thousand a million topics. Don't use them unless you are a beginner! They are not very interesting! Look at the last sentence  - it could (and unfortunately is) used by many many many many IELTS candidates in ALL their essays. And why is the word tourism repeated? ! 

Radha - 

How could you write an introduction about tourism that could only be about tourism? Non-recyclable, non-generic, but instead specific, focused, with examples, with something to show that your essay will be about tourism and nothing else? 

It's the difference between buying cheap, shoddy, ready-made clothes and getting a one-off, tailor-made outfit from a top designer. Yes, the readymade clothes might fit sometimes and last for a short while, but people will instantly recognize the quality of a unique design. 

are not much important ==> are not very important

Try again!  Or can anyone else write a unique introduction for an essay on the advantages and disadvantages of tourism?

Hi Brian, Radha

Yes, I appreciate that people doing IELTS are under pressure. It's natural to try to be safe and do the same thing as you did with a teacher or as you learned in a textbook, and it's probably not the time to be too creative.

However, if the result is that your essay looks like everyone else's, then you have lost an opportunity to show your real vocabulary and fluency. The examiner has a lot of papers to mark and it can get quite boring, even if the IELTS questions are all 'hotly-debated' or 'controversial.' (Of course, being bored won't affect the examiner's ability to grade...!) 

Which of these two do you think an IELTS examiner will give a higher mark to?  And why? The English is fine in both. Have a look at the IELTS Writing Task 2 Descriptors to help decide. 

Should countries spend money on space exploration, or solve problems here on earth first?

Space exploration is a major industry which is promoted by many countries. Although some people believe that space exploration is not very important, others feel that it has some advantages. In this essay, I will discuss my views related to the argument. 

or

Should countries spend money on space exploration, or solve problems here on earth first?

Fifty years ago, countries like Korea, India, and China suffered from underdevelopment, poverty and even large-scale famine. Today, their economies are booming, and they are all leaders in satellite technology and space exploration. In this essay, I will explain why I feel that the benefits of space exploration are enormous and why all countries should allocate resources to aerospace technology.