I see you've just added some comments as well, thanks!

You've put it in different words in your comment, but you have found the same weakness in Allen's essay. You suggested that he have a negative side as well as a positive one.

I agree with you - he could have had this 3773 layout

• intro
• para 2 positive
• para 3 negative
• conclusion

or the opposite (change para 2 and 3)

OR:

Allen could go as I suggested for the 35553 layout. This is a good choice if you are all in favour of one side:

• intro
• para 2 positive #1
• para 3 positive #2
• para 4 positive #3
• conclusion

Read more about 3773 and 35553 layouts here.

So, well done and thanks for spotting the main weakness with the essay! 

One quick question  - what do you mean by 'facial phenomenon'  I'm not too sure.

Thanks Victor for your comments. I hadn’t noticed but you are right -  Allen has used the word ‘people’  (14 times)  and ‘can’ (11 times). So there’s an opportunity for you to show some vocabulary to the examiner!

I used http://textalyser.net/ to count, not my fingers. I just found it to research Victor's point, but have now added it to the links at the top of the page on the Writefix essay forum.

Organization

Your second paragraph is fine, but paragraph three is a little weak. We don’t usually think of police when we think of relationships. You only have two ideas here: the one about police and the repetition of the idea from paragraph two about our friends’s websites and photos. Don’t start to write until you have about SIX ideas, three for each paragraph if you are using a 3773 layout.  

In your case, Allen, since as you say you believe that that progress in technology benefits people, you might have been better with a 35553 layout. Here you actually need only THREE ideas, but they have to be good strong ones (not the police one!) and you need a LOT of examples.

Read more about 3773 and 35553 layouts here.

Victor also spotted a couple of other small errors, e.g., ‘numerals’ instead of ‘numerous). He’s right about ‘and so forth:’  try to avoid using ‘and so on’ or ‘etc’ or ‘and so forth.’

Thanks again for the careful intro/para 2 and conclusion, and hope to see more essays here from you. Please let us know how you do in the exam!

Thanks to Victor also for the comments.

The development of technology changes the way people interact with each other. In which way does it change the types of relationship that people make? Does it have positive or negative effect on the development?

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In the past, people usually wrote a letter to communicate with their friends or relatives who lived far away. (communicate their friends by letters who live far away), Thanks to the advancement of technology, today’s people can use modern forms of communication(ways to communicate), such as telephone, email, social networks, and so forth. This has totally changed the way people contact with each other.?? ur opinion?

The modern technology has deeply affected the relationship between people in some aspects. The most obvious changes is are that people can work, study and carry out other tasks without face-to-face contact in some cases. For instance, people can receive education study through the Internet. In this case, people may not meet their teachers or classmates. A second change is that people can interact with others in the virtual world. They can post their photographs and diaries on some social networks such as Facebook and Twitter so that they can share their lives with others. Finally, modern means of communication can help people broaden their social circles. It is easy to make friends through the Internet (e.g., MSN).

I personally believe that progress in technology benefits people. Firstly, people can ask for help timely when encountering troubles. If they suffer a car accident, they can use their mobile phone to call police. In addition, modern means of interaction can positively contribute to understanding between people. This is because they can know friends better by looking the photos or reading the diaries that friends post on the websites.

In conclusion, the way people contact each other has been change dramatically. The new technology offers numerals ways of communication to people, which positively contributes to human relationship.

in my personal view, if you can discuss both positive and negtive aspects, it will improve the discussion more better. second, i think you just talk some facial phenomenons by using modern commnunication, it would be better if you talk deeply in "influence"

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

today’s people can use modern forms of communication, such as telephone, email, social networks, and so forth

if i were you i will write"people today can use modern vehicles of communication,such as telephones,emails,social networks,etc."

the second aspect i want to mention is you used too many "can " in your essay, maybe you can replace some of them with "be able to" or "may".

"he way people contact each other has been change dramatically "           changed  

"numerals"  ___numerous 

welcome to my essay. thx.

In the past, people usually wrote a letter to communicate with their friends or relatives who lived far away. Thanks to the advancement of technology, today’s people can use modern forms of communication, such as telephone, email, social networks, and so forth. This has totally changed the way people contact with each other.

The modern technology has deeply affected the relationship between people in some aspects. The most obvious change is that people can work, study and carry out other tasks without face-to-face contact in some cases. For instance, people can receive education through the Internet. In this case, people may not meet their teachers or classmates. A second change is that people can interact with others in the virtual world. They can post their photographs and diaries on some social networks such as Facebook and Twitter so that they can share their lives with others. Finally, modern means of communication can help people broaden their social circles. It is easy to make friends through the Internet (e.g., MSN).

I personally believe that progress in technology benefits people. Firstly, people can ask for help timely when encountering troubles. If they suffer a car accident, they can use their mobile phone to call police. In addition, modern means of interaction can positively contribute to understanding between people. This is because they can know friends better by looking the photos or reading the diaries that friends post on the websites.

In conclusion, the way people contact each other has been change dramatically. The new technology offers numerals ways of communication to people, which positively contributes to human relationship.