Hello Alia

Again, you have some good points and some excellent sentences in your essay. However, it doesn't really answer the question, and would benefit from much clearer organization. What is your essay trying to do? What is each piece of information or each sentence included, and why is it in the order you have given?

Let's look at the main points in your essay:

Introduction:

• young people like to travel
• people like to live comfortably and, therefore, often emigrate to the US or Canada

Paragraph 2:

• Developed countries have freedom and a high standard of living

Paragraph 3

• You enjoy travelling
• Developed countries treat people equally

Conclusion

• Immigration can help Canada's economy.
• Canada has a well-developed health care system

You haven't really answered the question, which is about the effects of immgration on developed countries (except for a single phrase in the last paragraph). I think the cause of this problem is your thesis sentence. Your introduction has a thesis sentence, but it's not very clear: 

"That I will talk about in my essay."  

Your thesis sentence should be specific and mention the topic, and it should tell the reader how you are going to answer the question.

These are NOT good thesis sentences:

• In my essay I will look at the advantages and disadvantages of this issue.
• I will examine the pros and cons and give my opinion.
• This essay will talk about this problem and give a solution
• This essay will focus on these points and discuss both sides of this important question

These are BETTER thesis sentences:

1. In my opinion, immigration could lead to major political, economic and social change in developed countries.
2. This essay will identify three potential negative effects of immigration for developed countries.
3. I will focus on four social benefits of immigration to developed countries such as Canada.
4. In my essay I will look at some of the social and political effects immigration could have on Canada.

In sentences 1-2, the reader can see that there will be 3 paragraphs or topics in the essay. Thesis sentence 3 tells the reader to expect 4 paragraphs or topics. Sentence 4 prepares the reader for 2 main parts –  social effects and political effects.

More information about thesis sentences here.

You give some good ideas about why people move, but what will the effect be on the developed AND developing countries? 

Finally, never give new information in your conclusion! This was the only part where you answered the question, but that is not the purpose of the conclusion.  And what about the amazing fragment at the end:

And so many other benefits .

So overall, this essay needs to be re-organized. Having a good thesis sentence and a conclusion which wraps up your ideas will help. 

Can you try this topic again? Anyone else like to try?