Hello Alia and welcome back!

It's an odd topic - where did you get it from? It's not very well-written for an IELTS topic, so that makes our job of writing a reply very difficult. If it was just "How have mobile phones affected our lives?" it would be a lot easier!

Vocab and Usage

• 'Way' -  can be omitted (left out).

It has changed our communication way -       it has changed how we communicate.

• 'Research' is a non-count verb: it can't be plural.

Researches prove that mobile phones have serious side effects  -   Research has proved that mobile phones have serious side effects

• On the other hand

“On the other hand” means opposite, in contrast. It does NOT mean “here’s another example” or “in addition,” or “another point is that.”

On the other hand, some scientific researches prove that mobile phones have serious side effects on our central nervous system particularly on the brain.

You need to change "On the other hand" to “In addition” or “Another point is that...”

• Although…but

To sum up,  although mobiles have so many practical uses which are useful and advantageous, but still we should treat it more cautiously to minimize its undesirable side effects as much as we can

Don’t use “although” in the same sentence as “but,” or “but” in the same sentence as “although.”

Organization

First of all, it is a fact that mobile phone has transformed our way of communication or our way to do business. Now, every one have a mobile or more, even the children of 10 years, in order to connect them with their parents, when they go out to school or to buy some thing.

You have a clear topic sentence which tells the reader you are going to talk about (1) communication and (2) business. However, the second sentence above does not say how communication has changed – it just says kids have phones, or (possibly ) that everyone talks to their parents. You need to develop your idea fully.

Also, all businessmen depend on it in a large scale during their work as it facilitates their  communications all over the world.

Businessmen have had landlines for over a century. How have mobiles changed their work? You need to give an example. Again, the idea is not developed fully. Have a look at Band 5 in the IELTS Writing Task 2 Descriptors “presents some main ideas but these are limited and not sufficiently developed:” (http://www.ielts.org/pdf/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf) You want more than Band 5!

Run-On sentences and Comma Splices

Starting with its social drawbacks, it consumes so many hours from the user's time playing games, chatting and other activities.

This is a fragment AND a comma splice. Writing is not the same as speaking. This sentence would be fine in speaking, but it should be written as two or more sentences (and with some pronoun reference changes):

The mobile phone has several serious effects on society. First of all, it's an incredible time-waster. Many users spend hundreds of unproductive hours playing games, downloading annoying ringtones, changing their screen settings, and sending idiotic texts. 

The sentence below: 

Finally that leads  digital natives to be unsociable lose connections with other people even with their immediate family members.

...needs to be broken up and punctuated. It shouldn't use the word "Finally," since it is only the second idea. Perhaps it could be rewritten like this:

A second point is that mobile phones damage relationships with families and close friends. Mobile phone users become unsociable. They prefer to chat online to acquaintances rather than interact with immediate family members or people around them.

Hi Alia!

I have no idea either how business life has been affected by mobile phones - it's just that you mentioned it in your topic sentence, so I expected to see some info about it later in the paragraph! It's probably better to have all the ideas for a paragraph clearly in your head before you write the topic sentence!

Here's a couple of undeveloped ideas - NOT an organized essay, just a ragbag of ideas to choose from.

Mobile phones have freed people from homes, shops, and desks. We are free to conduct our work and our social life without being tied to a landline. This means quicker responses, less waiting, less patience, more demands on your time, a blurring of private and public time, greater multi-tasking, and less adherence to timetabled, linear plans of action centered around geographical availability at the end of a piece of copper wire. They have also resulted in a world in which our exact position can be tracked to within a few meters and where every message and phone call can be intercepted and recorded. In the future, our financial transactions from the smallest purchase to the transfer of billions may take place on phones, which have become tiny computers far more powerful than those used to land man on the moon, and our health may soon be monitored by sensors built in to our phones, warning us of heart attacks or strokes. Children have become prisoners to their parents, having to check in at all times and be at the end of a mobile phone instead of being free to roam and play. High school classes, religious ceremonies, business meetings and government summits are interrupted by ringtones: our etiquette has not caught up with our technology. Nobody dares says halt to the march of the mobile phone: we feel disconnected if our battery runs out or if a signal weakens.Our sleep is disturbed by spam and mindless advertising trickling in to our mailboxes; the vacations which are meant to change our lives are spent texting the people we see everyday at home or at work. People climb mountains equipped with mobile phones which promptly fail, or demand rescue after starting journeys armed with just a phone. Our blind faith in technology has replaced our dependence on ourselves and on others.    

Whew!

Ok: Although and But: Never have them in the same sentence.  All these are correct.

Although it was hot, we went for a walk.

It was hot, but we went for a walk anyway.

I decided to buy the car, although I really didn't have enough money for it.

Although I couldn't really afford it, I bought the car

I couldn't afford it, but I still bought the car.

Although he was only 19, he wanted to get married.

He was only 19, but he wanted to get married.

Here's a link: http://englishforacademicpurposes.blogspot.com/2008/02/although-versus-but.html

and: http://www.englishexercises.org/makeagame/viewgame.asp?id=1954

and: http://www.goodenglish.org.sg/improve/english-as-it-is-broken/although-or-but

Thanks Alia. You must have been a very attentive student! Hope it's clear now!

Hello Massari

Thanks for this essay on the benefits and disadvantages of mobile phones.

Your introduction is a little too long and has some unnecessary detail. 

Now a days the most popular gadget is 'Mobile phone' ,which make us easy to communicate with each other globally.The birth name of cell phone was given it because of its cell like network structure and its combination looks like a 'Honey Comp'. It is for the fact that having mobile phone now a days  become a sort of necessity,due to that reason mobile phone industry taken every one by a storm from the very basic thing of making call to text,now internet access is just at the touch of once finger tips. like every thing cellular phone have diverse drawbacks.

Suggestions

• Use a thesis sentence (a sentence which says what your essay will do)
• Don't have unnecessary detail
• Don't put words in quotes

Your introduction could be rewritten: 

Mobile phones have become almost a necessity, allowing us to call each other, use the internet, and store music, appointments and other data. However like everything, cellphones also have certain drawbacks. In this essay, I will outline some of the advantages and disadvantages of these amazing devices.

Punctuation

Massari, please check punctuation - capital letters, full stops, commas, and particularly the space AFTER the full stop or comma (not before). Punctuation is important in IELTS. Have a look at the IELTS Task 2 writing descriptors under the heading "Grammatical Range and Accuracy." Don't add commas where not needed, and don't join unrelated sentences with commas. 

first taken its advantages,The cell phone is 'Mobile' device,so it alleviate us to communicate from one corner to an other corner of the globe.further it provides us various amenities  like text,entertainment,news,weather forecasting,games,internet surfing so on,simultaneously it also embedded with clock,calculator and converter which are very useful for daily chores.So its not  ham it up to say that this smart device be blessed with every thing which we need instantaneously.

In paragraph 2, the first part is a comma splice. Write a short topic sentence instead, with a capital letter, a subject, a verb, and a full stop.

Mobile phones have many advantages. 

In the next sentence, there are 46 words. A 46-word sentence is just wrong. Have a maximum sentence length of about 20 words. Have an average sentence length of about 12 words throughout your essay -  a mix of long (16-22 word) and short (4-8 word) sentences.  Let's rewrite the entire second paragraph.

Mobile phones have many advantages. First, the cellphone is a mobile device. We are free to move around, instead of having to stay near landline phone. We can travel and do our work but still be in contact. Second, mobile phones have features such as games, the internet, music, and news which entertain and inform us.  A third feature is work-related functions such as calculators, clocks and converters, which allow us to be more productive. It is no exaggeration to say that mobile phones are miraculous devices. (7 sentences, 12.6 words average)

Avoid words like 'alleviate' or 'subsumed.' A good guide is to use only words which your 16-year old brother or niece learning English would recognize. Writing is not a vocabulary test - that comes in the IELTS Reading exam. Just use plain language. 

Here's a challenge! Could you rewrite the third paragraph for us?