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First, i want to thank mr writefix for your advice on my recent essay : technology in prison. i wish i could become a child with simple thinking. this may help me to find the simplest way to generate ideas.
Here is another essay that i've done. could you give me some feedbacks if you have time ? thanks a lot. 😀
"One solution to decline in moral values in today’s world would be for men and women to return to their traditional roles. To what extent do you agree or disagree?"
Roles of men and women are an important part contributing to moral values in the society. Many people claim that women’s participation in the workforce leads to moral decline in the community. However, I believe women going to work will have more more knowledge and create gender equality.
There are some reasons for thinking that moral values are tailing off due to the existence of females at work. First, without the care and supervision from women, their children easily involve in evils. Moreover, today’s women prone to be masculine, aggressive . Being concerned with economic gains and social status achievement, women grow more ambitions and change their behavior towards the unwanted side. As a result, the relationship between members in a family can be turn to be fragile, eroding the social value in the long term
However, are those argument totally true? I think women with their career can help not only themselves and their family but also the perception of sex equality. To start with, women working means they are equipped with knowledge and experience. So, their children can receive from them better vision and advice to persue higher education and have better lives. Further more, like any men, women have the right to follow their career and live a true life. In the past, there are many cases of men forcing their wives to stay at home. Even worse, such men attacked their wives without receiving charge from the judge. Today, thanks to the the participation of women in work, they have bigger says in family and domestic violence rates are partly reduced. In my opion, people should consider other factors affecting moral values, rather than blaming employed women. for example, effects of the internet or unfair competition in business should be taken into account
In conclusion, I belive the main reason for decreasing in moral values doesn’t lie in whether women works or not. People should think about tendencies such as abusing internet or competing unfairly in business for the sake of profit.
9:43 pm
December 28, 2011
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I think there have been some improvements in this essay compared to your previous essays in terms of simplification. However, there are still some spelling mistakes. Also maybe it is not a good idea to use contractions in Ielts task 2.
8:04 am
Hi Emkoxinh, Tommy,
I will have a look at this essay in a few hours.
9:16 pm
March 7, 2012
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To My friend TOMMY!!!,
Thanks to this essay. One thing that Id like to make is that " words count is high : 336 words. Indeed, the more we write in the exam, the more likely we make mistakes.
The second thing is that the question asks about traditional roles of BOTH men and women. But you just wrote about women working. I think you could lose points in terms of TASK RESPONSE. Then I suppose that the question just asks about WOMEN working then write my essay.
I think your introduction and first paragraph is good , just some errors like wrote two more consequently. But at the second paragraph I found less relative sentences to the main topic.
I tried to make your essay short, although I think still has some problem. I hope Mr. ENda helps both us.
Women play a key role in the moral values of a society. Some people claim that today women’s participation in the workforce is responsible for declining morality in the community. However, I believe that participating in society could be of great benefit to both women and communities.
The major reason that why some people disagree with women’ activity is the fear of losing supervision. Women having job are likely to have less time to pay attention to their own children. Then children probably involve in some wicked things as they feel receive no care. Moreover, as most works require masculine character and aggressive behavior to be tough enough to compete in such competence market, women would lose their feminine character. As a result, their relationship in family can be vulnerable, eroding the social values in long term.
On the other hand, taking part in the society does not only help women in terms of financial issues but also spread the sexual equality. Children, in particular, girls will notice that there is no discrimination amongst genders to present in a society. Therefore, it helps to establish equality -one of the moral values-in the society. Moreover, we cannot to deprive women from freedom one of the basic rights to everyone. They should be free to choose what activities they like, because I think put limitation is not ethical.
In conclusion, I cannot see a link between working’s women in a society and the declining of moral values. I do believe that we should think of other factors contributing to this issue.
9:35 am
Emkoxinh
This is a tough topic! I hope you get easier ones in the IELTS test!
This essay is 335 words long, which is dangerous - try not to go much over 300. The average number of words per sentence is also high, at 18.3. Aim for an average number of between 12-15 words per sentence.
Your into is clear, gives both sides, and all sentences are related to the topic.
Usage/Word Choice/Word Form
- There are some reasons for thinking that moral values are tailing off due to the existence of females at work. → declining/being affected/suffering/being challenged
- Their children can persue higher education → pursue higher education
- Men attacked their wives without receiving charge from the judge. → with impunity/without worrying about the law
- People should think about tendencies such as abusing internet or competing unfairly in business for the sake of profit. →
People should think about problems such as internet or unfair competition.
You need to use ‘and’ between two nouns in a list. Also, the verb is missing.
Moreover, today’s women prone to be masculine, aggressive.
I’m also going to change the wording so that 50% of readers don’t get heart attacks:
Moreover today’s women are more assertive and articulate.
Simplify
You wrote
Roles of men and women are an important part contributing to moral values in the society.
This could be rewritten:
Men’s and women’s roles contribute to moral values in the society. OR
Most societies have clear roles for men and women, and these roles are important for maintaining the society’s values.
Specify - don’t be vague!
Avoid vague phrases like ‘evils’ or ‘the unwanted side’
Their children easily involve in evils.
This sentence could be made much more specific:
Their children may become become lazy, drop out of school, develop social problems, or even turn to crime.
Here's another:
Women may change their behavior towards the unwanted side →
What is this unwanted side? Where can I find it? What happens there? It sounds like fun!
Specify! Specify! Don’t be vague! Don’t make the reader think!
Shorten and simplify
As a result, the relationship between members in a family can be turn to be fragile, eroding the social value in the long term
As a result, the relationship between family members family can become fragile.
Good sentences
You have some very good structures and a nice mix. Here are two, slightly edited:
- I believe the main reason for the decline in moral values doesn’t lie in whether women work or not.
- In my opinion, people should consider other factors affecting moral values, rather than blaming employed women.
One point is that your third paragraph is much better than the second one. It's clear and specific and there are more examples, and fewer vague references to 'evils' and 'unwanted sides.'
9:47 am
Hi Brian
You did something very clever - you changed the topic a little!
Your comment to Emkoxinh was absolutely correct - the essay focused on women and didn't discuss men's roles. Well done. It's a great idea to keep going back to the question to see if you are on track or not
But in your rewrite, you've focused on women's role too - much more clearly in fact. Your introduction is very clear in its focus on women's participation in society. I really like the opening sentence.
Here's your essay:
Women play a key role in the moral values of a society. Some people claim that today women’s participation in the workforce is responsible for declining morality in the community. However, I believe that participating in society could be of great benefit to both women and communities.
The major reason that why some people disagree with women’ activity is the fear of losing supervision. Women having job are likely to have less time to pay attention to their own children. Then children probably involve in some wicked things as they feel receive no care. Moreover, as most works require masculine character and aggressive behavior to be tough enough to compete in such competence market, women would lose their feminine character. As a result, their relationship in family can be vulnerable, eroding the social values in long term.
On the other hand, taking part in the society does not only help women in terms of financial issues but also spread the sexual equality. Children, in particular, girls will notice that there is no discrimination amongst genders to present in a society. Therefore, it helps to establish equality -one of the moral values-in the society. Moreover, we cannot to deprive women from freedom one of the basic rights to everyone. They should be free to choose what activities they like, because I think put limitation is not ethical.
In conclusion, I cannot see a link between working’s women in a society and the declining of moral values. I do believe that we should think of other factors contributing to this issue.
Some excellent sentences and structures. The essay is 260 words and has an average of 17 words per sentence. The sentences flow together well and the ideas are developed.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- Then children probably involve in some wicked things → Then children may become become lazy, drop out of school, develop social problems, or even turn to crime.
- Children, in particular, girls will notice that there is no discrimination amongst genders to present in a society. → Children, in particular, girls, will notice that there is less gender discrimination in society today.
- I think put limitation is not ethical. → I think imposing limitations is not ethical
Overall, it's a very good rewrite with a clearer focus and some very good sentences and structures. Just make sure it answers the question, though!
I hope it helps Emkoxinh.
_ i'm looking at all of yours comments. very helpful. thanks alot. the essay of brian is really much more specific and shorter than mine, i will rewrite my essay as the way you guys suggested.
_ actually, i am wondering how to put the role of men in my essay .
_ @ Brian_mcclaine, in the third paragraph, your topic sentence mentioned finance
"On the other hand, taking part in the society does not only help women in terms of financial issues but also spread the sexual equality"
but, i think your supporting sentences lacked ideas relating to it, right?
1:17 pm
March 7, 2012
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Hi emkoxnih,
Actually Im not sure that this question is really an IELTS question. I think if we wanted write about Men's role ,it would take more than 400 words.
Yes I agree with you. I put financial issues without any developing.
9:01 am
Hi Brian, Emkoxinh
Emkoxinh I think you are right - Brian’s essay was good because it was focused and had a clear central topic - as you say it was specific and short!
Emkoxinh, you commented that Brian mentioned financial issues but didn’t explain it. Great! Now you are really analyzing what should be in an essay and what needs more information or needs to be connected to the rest of the essay. Well done.
Don’t attempt to rewrite that essay now. You can get very fed up with a topic and the ideas begin to seem very boring. Pick a fresh topic, perhaps something completely different, and try that instead.
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