Hi Rachelle, and sorry your essay got neglected for a few days!

Here are a few points.

Your sentence is 274 words, which is good, and has an average sentence length of about 15, which is fine. (You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page-  this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org.) I recommend keeping the average number of words per sentence to between 12 and 15.

Some problems

There are a few language problems with your essay:  cohesion (how sentences and ideas are linked), and word choice are the main ones), but the biggest problem is that it is slightly off-topic.  Your interpretation is just a little different from that which I think was intended.

Off-Topic?

The problem arises from the question. Is this really an IELTS question? Have the words been changed? Even a tiny change in the wording of an IELTS question can change the meaning significantly.

Traditional Games?

What do you understand by the word ‘traditional game’? Monopoly? Scrabble? Chess? Draughts? Checkers? Cards? Snakes and Ladders?  Or children’s games like hide-and-seek, catch, ball games, hand-clapping games, catching or tag games, games with stones or marbles or balls, games with songs, hopscotch, street games? Examples in your introduction would really have helped. It’s the best place to define the situation or the problem or key terms in the question.  

My guess here is that traditional children’s games refers to games children used to play outdoors  or with other children, games which their parents and grandparents played, not necessarily board games or commercial games. That’s my interpretation anyway.

Perhaps if you had given more examples of what you understand by traditional games, it would have been clearer.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• old-fashion games → old-fashioned games since
   
• Facing computer too long might cause short-sight → Looking at the computer too long might cause short-sight
   
• Though computer games bring relax and fun to kids → Though computer games bring relaxation and fun to kids   OR Though computer games help children relax and have fun
   
• Computer games addiction is another detrimental effect.→ Computer game addiction is another detrimental effect.
   
• Children who are obsession with computer games… → Children who are obsessed with computer games…
   
• game producers sometimes combine game with violence. → game producers sometimes combine games with violence   OR game producers sometimes incorporate violence into their games.
   
• computer games obsession sure does no good to children. → computer games obsession certainly do no good to children.
   
• More severely, in the pursuit of excitement, game producers sometimes combine game with violence → More worrying/more importantly/more seriously
   
• Almost all children adore computer games these days → Almost all children enjoy computer games these days OR love/ are fascinated by /are obsessed with/ are  
   
• Compared with traditional games, there are definitely more computer games OR   there are definitely far more computer games than board games
   
• Moreover, computer-game producers always try their best to add exciting elements into the games to occupy the market, while not many people care about old-fashion games since there is no or little profit. → Moreover, computer-game producers always try their best to add exciting elements into the games to occupy the market, while not many companies care about old-fashioned games since there is no or little profit.
   
• it is not hard to picture why computer games dominant children’ spare time → it is not hard to picture why computer games dominate children’s spare time
   
• No matter how picky the child is, there will always be one game to fit the taste. → there will always be one game to fit the taste. → No matter how picky the child is there will always be one game to fit his or her taste.   OR no matter how picky they are, children will always find one game to fit their taste.

Tense

• Even if they once be attractive, lack of sufficient fresh ideas, they are gradually abandoned. → Even if they once were attractive, they have been gradually abandoned due to a lack of fresh ideas.

Ideas

You wrote in your conclusion

In conclusion, computer games obsession sure does no good to children.

The sentence needs a complete rewrite:

In conclusion, an obsession with computer games is not good for children

Pronoun Reference

You wrote:

In order to transfer part of children’ attentions to traditional games, these games need to be redesigned according to the new demands.

Here, the word ‘these is not clear. Let’s rewrite the sentence:  

To make children interested in computer games, manufacturers will need to completely redesign many old games.

But now your conclusion goes back to the big problem of what it the question topic? I think this is conclusion is too narrow a focus and you should have defined your terms in the introduction.

Articles

• Compared with traditional games, types and number of computer games are definitely more. → Compared with traditional games, the types and number of computer games are definitely more.
   
• Facing computer too long might cause short-sight → Looking at the computer too long might cause short-sight

Agreement

• few of them shows interest in traditional ones → few of them show interest in traditional ones
   
• spending too much time on computer games may leads to health problems → spending too much time on computer games may lead to health problems

Clarify or Support

You wrote:

There are also always existing elements inside.

What does elements mean? Inside what? This sentence needs an example.

Overall, Rachelle, the essay layout is clear, but my biggest problem is with the topic. I would not call Monopoly or Scrabble or Snakes and Ladders traditional games. What do other users think? What  traditional games are played in your country? What is a traditional game?

Hi madinarafi5

Some good corrections here, especially for verb tense errors.   I agree with you about the following:

• In conclusion, computer games obsession sure does no good to children →In conclusion, I firmly believe that computer games are not good for children.
• Computer games addiction  is another detrimental effect →Getting addicted to computer games is another detrimental effect.
• Facing at computer too long  for long might cause short-sight → looking at computers for too long might cause short sight.
• Even if they once be attractive →Even if they once were attractive
• Children who are obsession with computer games→ Children who are obsessed with computer games...

Thanks for commenting! It's a great way to force yourself to find errors or alternative ways of writing a sentence. It puts you in the writer's shoes AND the reader's shoes at the same time.