Hi emkoxinh

Thanks for this essay, and thanks to Tommy for his comments!

Spelling is important, but I really like Tommy’s three points

• Your essay is too long for an Ielts task 2.
• Avoid general sentences because you can use them in any essay.
• Try to simplify the sentences because too many complex sentences can make it hard for the reader to read and increase your mistakes.

They are exactly spot on. Excellent advice, Tommy!

I would add two things: write topic sentences, and be careful with word choice

Topic Sentences

Is all of Paragraph Two about hooligans? If not, what is it about? Your first sentence describes hooligans and rebellions, but then the paragraph discusses are, history, bridges, and lots of other things

We need a topic sentence like this:

International games can lead to increased tension or even conflict. 

The rest of paragraph two will have three or more examples.

Paragraph Three

We need a short topic sentence like this:

Spending on international events has many benefits.

Word Choice

Don’t say ‘serene,’ say ‘peaceful.’ Don’t use ‘evils’ use problems. Simplify, simplify, simplify. The writing test is NOT a vocabulary test. That’s the reading test, and you’ve already done it by the time you do the writing test. Just relax, use simple clear vocab and short sentences.

Long Sentences

This monster is 41 words long

Many people belive in a serine picture in which almost conflicts among nations are reduced and the way to express patriotic love is appropriate while other argue that it is football worlcup events that can put countries in a tense stage.

1. Let’s improve it by breaking it into two or more sentences.
2. Let’s also remove complicated words, and
3. Let’s remove unnecessary words like “in a tense stage”

International games allow people to show their love for their country. However, they can also increase tension between countries.

19 words, instead of 41! Here’s another example:

Firstly, it is probably true that hooligan fans, abusing the favourable conditon with millions people within the stadium, can generate rebellions out of the control of the police.

This could be rewritten as:

Riots can spread outside the stadium. 

OR

Fighting between rival fans can escalate into wide-spread violence.

Here's a 52-word monster:

Indeed, such a popular international event like football worl cup, of course, is a cultural bridge that help residents from all walks of life come to the host nation for not only witnessing beautiful matches but also have chace to enjoy delicous dishes and discover the quintesence of people and life there.

Here's a 16-word rewrite

Major sports events give visiting fans a wonderful opportunity to learn more about the host country.

Yes I've left some ideas out.It's not about cramming as many ideas as you can into a sentence. Be selective. If you want to add more ideas, write a new sentence.

Challenge!

Emkoxinh, it would be really great if you could rewrite this in less than 300 words, with topic sentences, with simpler vocab, and with an average sentence length of about 12-15 words (it’s an astonishing 26.5 average now). Are you ready for the challenge?!

Tip: don't look at your old essay. Start over from scratch! You can spend more time editing and re-editing than just writing simply from the beginning.