Hi Alison

Maybe people were afraid to comment on your essay!  Here are a few suggestions:

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• workforces == > workers or employees.
• prefer to ==> prefer
• gained to ==> gained by
• so provocative/ so unfair ==> very provocative/very unfair
• shiftless ==> lazy or irresponsible
• familiar to the job ==> familiar with the job
• That is basically due to the latter are more familiar = That is because the latter OR That is due to the fact that the latter

Verb Tense

• That undoubtedly would frustrate most people. Their great passion and enthusiasm are dampened ==>
  That undoubtedly would frustrate most people. Their great passion and enthusiasm would be dampened
• Further, a well-educated student might rich in theory ==>
  Further, a well-educated student might be rich in theory
• More and more people convince that university graduates should earn much money ==> 
  More and more people are convinced that university graduates should earn much money
• However, it does not mean that they are necessarily to have a high skill.==>
  However, it does not necessarily mean that they are highly skilled.

Shorten/simplify

With the importance of education is highlighted greatly nowadays, more and more people convince that university graduates should earn much money than the average people.

With the importance of education nowadays, more people are convinced that university graduates should earn more money than other workers.

 

Reward should be related to the performance, including diligence, productivity and the amount of labor ==>
Reward should be related to performance, including diligence and productivity.

But wait! Isn't amount of labor the same as productivity? And isn't diligence and productivty the same as performance? I know it's tough to leave out such nice words!

Reward should be related to performance
 

That is basically due to the latter are more familiar to the job and can fulfill the tasks better, indirectly leading to much profit to the companies, which meets the demand of the proprietors.

Avoid using the words 'latter' or 'former' - they force the reader to go back. Let's also shorten the bit (unnecessary detail?) about proprietors.

That is because experienced workers are more familiar with the job and can fulill their tasks better, leading to increased profits for companies and shareholders.

Word Order/Misplaced or Modifier

Instead of seeking for employees who are equipped with theoretical knowledge, I believe most employers would prefer to the experienced workforces.

The "I" part of the sentence refers back to the first part. The employers are seeking: you need to change the word order:

Instead of seeking employees with theoretical knowledge, most employers prefer to recruit experienced workers.

Overall, I really liked some of the words - 'dampened' and 'diligent' and 'shiftless' -  it's a shame to throw some of them out!