Hi Brian  - I've edited Amira's essay to add the title.

Hi Amira

Here are the comments I talked about yesterday!

Commas - subject and verb!

Don't separate the subject ("The problem") from the verb ("is")

the problem of some unacceptable manners of youngsters in many public places, is not a new one.

You would never write these:

• Mary, doesn't like icecream OR
• Divorce, is increasing.

If in doubt, leave commas out, even if the sentence is long!

Sentence length

On average, Amira, you have 26 words per sentence. This is far too high. (I'm describing the first draft you wrote above.) The first and most important step you can take is to drastically reduce the length of your sentences. I recommend 12 words per sentence on average. You can have some long sentences with 20-24 words if you want, but you must also have a lot of shorter ones with 5-10 words. You need sentences like this.

1. The government is clearly responsible.
2. School managers have failed to act.
3. There is a shortage of experts.

Try to have a mix or pattern of short - long - short - long - short - long. Don't make every sentence short. Topic and thesis sentences especially are very effective if they are short.

Here is a monster 43-word sentence which urgently needs shortening

our rough class situations, bad air conditioner system, inadequate space for playing, locating schools in crowded part of cities, too much student accumulation in small area and so on are some examples that planners have told about as effective points on students behavior.

43 words, 1 sentence. Here's the same sentence rewritten as 21 words, 2 sentences, Average 10.5 words per sentence

Our schools face major infrastructure problems. Poor air-conditioning, inadequate space for play, overcrowded classes and cramped campuses all affect student behavior.

Here's another long sentence of yours (30 words, 1 sentence. Average 30 words per sentence)

What is new is that, in recent years, we face to school mangers complaining about a sudden growth of students misbehavior which can have an irreversible damages to educational structures.

...and here's a rewrite in 2 sentences, 28 words -  average 14 words per sentence:

What is new is that school mangers have noticed a sudden growth in student misbehavior in recent years. This is causing irreversible damage to the quality of education.

Shorten and simplify

In addition to shortening sentences by breaking them up, you also need to apply the knife and remove any unnecessary parts. Long sentences with lots of redundancy are OK in speaking (here are some redundant words from Wikipedia: "a variety of different items", "an added bonus", "to over-exaggerate", "and etc.", "end result", "free gift", "future plans", "unconfirmed rumor", "to kill, murder, or electrocute someone to death", "past history", "safe haven", "potential hazard", "completely surrounded", "false pretenses"), but you don't need them writing.

what I believe in is that you can find the roots of this disorganization in our educational environments and non-qualified teachers.

Here's a simpler rewrite of the same sentence:

(I believe) this problem has two main roots: poor learning environments, and non-qualified teachers.

Fragment

This is not a complete sentence - it's a fragment:

Since students are young and fresh need to release their energy in an active environment.

This needs to be joined to another sentence. Alternatively, you can leave out "since" and it's fine:

Since students are young and fresh need to release their energy in an active environment, they need lots of space and lots of challenging outdoor activities.

Students are young and fresh need to release their energy in an active environment. This means they need space, such as gyms and football fields and play areas.

One sentence, one idea

Governments should modify the schools situations and allocate more subsidies to school managers to reorganize the facilities and space and also change the shape of our educational area from an office to a calm place for our students.

Governments should modify the schools' physical layout. School managers need more subsidies to reorganize facilities and provide calm learning places for our students.

As you can see, there is really just one major problem: your sentences are too long. Fix this and everything else will fall into place! You are a capable writer, but you need to make sure that you don't write exactly as you speak. Writing is more economical and less forgiving.

Thanks to Brian for his insightful comments as well.

Hello Radha

In your suggested introduction to Amira's essay, you wrote:

The hi-tech world of today has changed significantly resulting in  noticeable changes in lifestyle as well as behavior of students globally. Teachers find it hard to discipline the rebellious students without moral values. There are various reasons for the sudden change in the atmosphere of schools. The problems can also be solved with some effort. This essay will discuss the main reasons for the improper behavior students and suggest a remedy to solve the problem.

I would

• leave out the reference to the hi-tech world
• change the word order in the sentence about moral values
• combine the third and fourth sentences
• put more meat in the final sentence by adding a signpost or summary in your thesis sentence

Classroom behavior seems to have changed for the worse, with many teachers finding it hard to discipline rebellious students. There are various reasons for the sudden change in school atmosphere, but I believe the problems can be solved with some effort. In this essay, I will explain how better school buildings and better training for teachers would lead to a better educational experience for our children.

What do you think? Have a look at this link about Thesis sentences