Thanks for taking the time to rewrite. Editing and revising is hard work, but it's very good for us!

This is a very general topic. I find these vague ones harder to write about than more specific topics. On the other hand, it does give you a lot of freedom and the chance to be a little bit original (although you don’t want to use the IELTS exam as an experiment!)

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• human’s history → human history
• Many parents argue that their children waste too much time play online games → playing

You wrote:

Technology has rewritten the life of people, ranging from living, communication in a more comfortable way.

Try always to have at least three examples. Two is not really enough.  If you end up with only two, join them with ‘and.’ Try to keep lists parallel.

Heres' one possible rewrite:

Technology has made our travel, communication, and work easier.

Articles

• People living in 21st century enjoy the benefits from the advanced technology →

  People living in the 21st century enjoy many benefits of advanced technology.  OR
  Everyday, we benefit from advanced technology.  

• The innovated technology has changed human’s history → Innovations in technology have changed human history.

Shorten and Simplify

You wrote:

Personally, I believe people will keep receive the positive influences from the innovated technology outweigh the negative ones.

This sentence seems to be a mix of two sentences, and has too many verbs. Here's one possible rewrite:

Personally, I think technology does far more good than harm, and I believe people will continue to benefit from it in the future.

But this is more like a sentence in a conclusion. Perhaps a better Thesis sentence would be something like this:

Although I think the benefits of technology are overwhelming, we still need to be careful about its effect on children and our relationships.

It gives the reader an idea of what is coming. Read more about thesis sentences here

Here’s another long sentence with too many ideas. You should choose between ‘as’ and ‘due to’:

Therefore, many of them end up performing badly in the classroom due to lack of sufficient rest time as they do not spend enough time on studying.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Students who spend too much time online often perform poorly in the classroom. They may not get enough sleep, or they may not spend enough time studying.

Punctuation

You wrote:

However, the drawback of over using technology, for instance, the internet has raised concerns among users.

This is a comma splice - two sentences which should be separate but are joined by a comma. It’s easy to fix. Just write them as two sentences, each with its own subject and verb.

Technology does have some drawbacks. Many people are worried about internet addiction, for example.

You wrote:

It is commonly seen that, most addicted internet users do not know how to interact,

Be careful with commas after ‘that.’  If in doubt, leave them out.  In any case, there is a horrible passive here. Let’s eliminate it and voila! The problem has gone away

Many internet addict do not know how to interact…

Another comma splice!

We should appreciate the benefits that it brings to us, we also need to be aware of the negative impacts that may come along but for this one needs to take proper action to decrease its level of harshness.

Be careful with commas. Don’t use them like superglue. This sentence is too long -  your warning bells should be ringing after 15 words, let alone 39 words.  Shorten, shorten, shorten -  and don’t use commas to join sentences at random!.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

We should appreciate the benefits that technology brings to us. However, we also need to be aware of its negative impacts. Simple commonsense will allow us enjoy our new world.  (30 words, 3 sentences)

OR

While technology has many benefits, we also need to be aware of its negative impacts. Simple commonsense, however, will allow us use it to its full potential. (27 words, 2 sentences) 

Conclusions are often one side, the other side, and some advice or a recommendation or warning for the future.  Break these ideas into three, or at least two, sentences.

Again, thanks for your rewrite. You are a great example to us!

People living in 21^st century enjoy the benefits from the advanced technology. The innovated technology has changed human’s history completely in countless aspects and it will be hard to turn back the clock to the ancient period. Personally, I believe people will keep receive the positive influences from the innovated technology outweigh the negative ones.

Technology has rewritten the life of people, ranging from living, communication in a more comfortable way. Nowadays, people can live in an air-conditioned house to combat the heat during the summer time. Moreover, people can study and work far away from home without paying too much for the telephone bill. They can sit in front of the computer and talk to families and friends via the screen. And for the business people, it is easier to set up an internet conference to discuss further plan without travelling around.

However, the drawback of over using technology, for instance, the internet has raised concerns among users. Many parents argue that their children waste too much time play online games. Therefore, many of them end up performing badly in the classroom due to lack of sufficient rest time as they do not spend enough time on studying. Secondly, more and more people complain it is hard to build up a friendship or relationship with a human being. It is commonly seen that, most addicted internet users do not know how to interact in a real social event properly as one cannot gain such practical skills from sitting in front of the box.

In short, it is an inevitable fact that the people will rely on the technology heavier than ever. We should appreciate the benefits that it brings to us, we also need to be aware of the negative impacts that may come along but for this one needs to take proper action to decrease its level of harshness.

Technology (has rewritten) rewrites the life of people, (ranging) from living, communication in a more comfortable way.(to complicated sentence) Nowadays, people can live in an air-conditioned house to combat the heat during the summer time. Moreover, people can study and work far away from home without paying too much (for the )telephone fees(bill). They could(can) sit in front of the computer and talk to families and friends via(avoid abbreviation) the screen. And for the business people, it will be(is) easier to set up an internet conference to discuss further plan without travelling around.

However, (there are some ) drawback of abusing(avoid) technology, for instance, the internet has raised concerns among  many users. Many parents argue that their children waste too much time play online games. Many of them end up perform(performing) badly in the classroom due to lack of sufficient rest time and (as they don’t) spend not enough time studying. Secondly, more and more people compliant (complain)it is hard to build up friendship or relationship with a human being. It is commonly seen that,most addicted internet users do not know how to interact in the (a) social event properly and effectively which you would (as one can) not gain such practical skills from sitting in front of the box.

In short, it is (an) inevitable (fact) that the people will rely on the technology heavier than ever. We should appreciate the benefits that it brings to us, we also need to be aware (of) the negative impacts (that may)might come along and(but for this one) needs to take proper action to decrease its level of harshness.

Green for avoiding

Red for adding content

Blue for correction

Best of luck,it seems to me re checking may help you a lot ,further check the tense

thank you for your compliment!

i am glad that you like my comments, i will continue to try my best.

best wishes.

Some great clarifications and rewrites here from rose2802. I’m very impressed!

1. In short, it is inevitable that the people will rely on the technology heavier than ever. 
   In short, people are becoming more and more dependent on modern technologies.
2. Personally, I believe people will keep receive the positive influences outweigh the negative ones. 
   I believe that modern technologies have more positive influences on people’s lives than negative ones.
3. Technology rewrites the life of people from living, communication in a more comfortable way.
   Technologies improve people’s lives and the way they communicate.
4. Most addicted internet users do not know how to interact in the social event properly and effectively which you would not gain the practical skill from sitting in front of the box. 
   Most addicted internet users do not know how to interact with others in (the) social events properly, because they are used to living in the world of the computer.
5. However, the drawback of abusing technology, for instance, the internet has been raised concerns by many users. 
   However, many opponents indicate that modern technologies have caused many problems.

Great rewrites! Thanks Rose2802!  You'll find a few comments on your essay on this topic here!

In my opinion, to have the score you want, you need to have more practice. So am I, I am trying my best for my exam. I am a students, here are just my opinions about your writing. Hopefully, you feel my comments useful.

best wishes,

in the first sentence of your writing, i see spelling and grammar mistakes. you should pay attention to them while writing.

People live in 21^st centaury enjoys the benefits from the advanced technology.

 century not centaury, enjoy not enjoys.

Moreover, the sentence structures you used  are complicated, you should use more simple sentences. Here are my  comments:

People live in 21^st centaury enjoys the many benefits from the advanced technology. The innovated technology has changed human’s history completed(ly) in countless aspects (and it will be hard to turn back the clock to the ancient period). Personally, I believe people will keep receive the positive influences outweigh the negative ones. (  OR  I believe that modern technologies have more positive influences on people’s lives than negative ones.)

Technology rewrites the life of people from living, communication in a more comfortable way. (OR Technologies improve people’ lives and the way people communicate) Nowadays, people can live in an air-conditioned house to combat the heat during the summer time. Moreover, people can study and work far away from home without paying too much telephone fees. They could sit in front of the computer and talk to families and friends via the screen. In addition, for the business people, it will be easier for businessmen to set up an internet conference to discuss further plan without travelling around.

However, many opponents indicate that modern technologies have caused many the drawbacks of abusing technology, for instance, the internet has been raised concerns by many users. Firstly, many parents argue that their children waste too much time to play online games. Therefore, many of them end up perform badly in the classroom due to lack of sufficient rest time and spend not enough time on for studying. Secondly, more and more people compliant complain that it is hard to build up a friendship or relationship with a human being (OR  Secondly, people become lack of communication skills in real life because of  technology). Most addicted internet users do not know how to interact with others in the social events properly, because they are used to living in the world of the computer. and effectively which you would not gain the practical skill from sitting in front of the box.

In short, it is inevitable that the people will rely on the technology heavier than ever( OR In short, people are becoming more and more dependent on modern technologies) . on one hand, We should appreciate the benefits that it they brings to us. On the other hand,  we also need to be aware of  their  negative impacts might come along and need to take proper actions to decrease the level of harshness.

Hi Writefix,

I need your comment for this essay. I am working on this test and need to get 8 on writing section. Do you think this essay meet the requirment if I want 8 for writing section? What else I need to improve from this essay?  

 

Thank you.

Thanks very much for your essay. I hope some other people will comment on it in the next few days. Please feel free to comment on other essays in this forum.

As regards giving it a band, only an IELTS examiner can do that.

Band 8 is not easy to get. However, I would look at two earlier posts, here and here,  where Yokama and other writers inquired about Band 7.  The information is from the public Descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing. So have a look at the two posts, and then compare with the official descriptors for Band 8 to see what you need. 

I will have a look in a day or so at your essay. Perhaps some other people will comment before that. If you are aiming at Band 8, commenting on other essays should be easy for you!

I need your comment for this essay. I am working on this test and need to get 8 on writing section. Do you think this essay meet the requirment if I want 8 for writing section? What else I need to improve from this essay?  

Thank you.

People live in 21^st centaury enjoys the benefits from the advanced technology. The innovated technology has changed human’s history completed in countless aspects and it will be hard to turn back the clock to the ancient period. Personally, I believe people will keep receive the positive influences outweigh the negative ones.

Technology rewrites the life of people from living, communication in a more comfortable way. Nowadays, people can live in an air-conditioned house to combat the heat during the summer time. Moreover, people can study and work far away from home without paying too much telephone fees. They could sit in front of the computer and talk to families and friends via the screen. And for the business people, it will be easier to set up an internet conference to discuss further plan without travelling around.

However, the drawback of abusing technology, for instance, the internet has been raised concerns by many users. Many parents argue that their children waste too much time play online games. Many of them end up perform badly in the classroom due to lack of sufficient rest time and spend not enough time on studying. Secondly, more and more people compliant it is hard to build up a friendship or relationship with a human being. Most addicted internet users do not know how to interact in the social event properly and effectively which you would not gain the practical skill from sitting in front of the box.

In short, it is inevitable that the people will rely on the technology heavier than ever. We should appreciate the benefits that it brings to us, we also need to be aware the negative impacts might come along and need to take proper actions to decrease the level of harshness.