Hi David

Thanks for this essay as well.

I've a lot of comments.The essay has an unusual layout. What is that second paragraph about, and why is it so short? Where is your thesis sentence? What is the main idea of Paragraph Three? What is the topic sentence for Paragraph Three -  does it tell the reader what the entire paragraph is about?

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

At the present age, the economy growing rapidly which lead to the dramatic increasing of the living standards of residents particularly in developing nations. (24 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Today, the economy IS growing rapidly, and this has led to a dramatic increase in living standards in many countries.  (20 words)  OR 

Today’s rapid economic growth has led to increased living standards for many people. (13 words)  OR   
  
Economic growth has meant improved living standards for many people. (10 words)

You wrote:

However, at the meantime, the incremental number of citizens tend to regard money as the sense of happiness.

This does not link smoothly to the previous sentence. Check the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion (how to link sentences).  Why write 'incremental'?  It's not correct. Just say 'more.' Here are some possible rewrites:

However, it has also resulted in a more materialistic society. (10 words)  OR
 
However, these improved living standards have also led many people to equate money with happiness.  (15 words)

Shorten/Simplify

This is a 36-word monster with many weaknesses in word choice:

Admittedly, fortune can bring happiness to some needy groups while it is thoroughly inappropriate because different individuals have disparate meaning of happiness, by that I mean, we cannot crave the definition of happiness in one stone.

Seriously, don’t have any sentences longer than 25 words.  Warning bells should go off at 20 words. Get rid of all long, rambling sentences. Have a maximum of one or two ideas per sentence. There are far too many ideas in your sentence. Here’s one possible rewrite:

While money can definitely improve the lives of very poor people, it will not bring happiness to everyone. People are different, and happiness means different things to each person. (29 words, Four ideas, TWO sentences, 14.5 words per sentence)

You wrote:

Family is the harbor where persistently in favor the member of the household whether failed or succeed.

I’m not sure what you mean.  Perhaps this is one possible rewrite:

Your family protects you in failure or in success.  OR
  
Family members support each other regardless of success or failure.

Thesis Sentence

Where is your thesis sentence in the introduction? You need a thesis sentence to remind you what you are going to do in your essay. Your reader needs a thesis sentence to help him or her predict how your essay will be laid out, and perhaps to learn your opinion. Your IELTS examiners want to see a thesis sentence so that they can give you a good mark for organization and paragraphing.

(Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion, for “a clear central topic in each paragraph.”)

Coherence and Cohesion

You wrote two nice short sentences here, but they are not linked well:

Happiness is a sense of psychology which determines by the mind. Thus, the sentiments of happiness cannot be same.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Happiness is a psychological state which people experience in different ways.   OR Happiness means different things to different people.

One idea per sentence:

Don’t tag on a clause or phrase at the end of a sentence. You wrote:

For instance, being wealthy tend to be the definition of impoverished households while the standpoint in affluent families would regard family bond as happiness which is priceless.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

For instance, impoverished households might dream of being wealthy, while affluent families might equate family bonds with happiness.

Try and put people first in your sentences.  It makes the grammatical subject easier and the essay more personal.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• In order to achieving happiness → In order to achieve happiness
     
• Frankly, we already live in a happiness society although we frequently dissatisfy with it.→ Frankly, even if we are frequently unsatisfied, most of us already live in a happy society.  OR Even if we are sometimes dissatisfied, most of us have everything we need to be happy.
     
• Furthermore, a peaceful environment of life plays the dominant role of feeling happiness.→ A peaceful environment is also important.
     
• Although most of individuals still living in the imbalance society, they are much more fortunate compare to the people who living under the war such as Syrian, Libyan and Iraqi etc.

Avoid using ‘etc’ or ‘and so on.’

A peaceful environment is also important. It is difficult to imagine how people living through conflicts such as in Iraq or Syria can feel safe or secure. (31 words)

• The image showing in the website and television, it is noticeable that how miserable it is.

Shorten/Simplify

• individuals would be better to have a sincere heart to respect their lives. [unclear -  too many ideas]

You wrote:

By that I mean, people should satisfy and appreciate the things they already achieved rather than calling more constantly. (19 words)

By that I mean, people should be satisfied with what they have. (12 words)  OR

I think people should appreciate what they have. (7 words)

 Punctuation: Fragment

This is not a sentence – it’s a fragment Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices.

 In addition, having a harmony family which supports you unswervingly regardless of what the financial status it is

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Harmonious family relationships are important for happiness.  OR
  
Your family’s support can make you happy regardless of your financial situation.

Here’s another fragment:

Cherishing the things we already have, otherwise we would feel regretted when we lose them.

Here are some possible rewrites:

We need to cherish what we have.  OR  

If we do not appreciate what we have, we will regret it when we lose it.

Punctuation: Comma Splice

Don’t use commas to join what should be separate sentences:

There is no war and discrimination, we can do everything freely and without restraint.

It’s easy to fix this error -  just replace the comma with a full stop, or use a conjunction (‘and’ or ‘but’). Here’s one possible rewrite:

There is no war and discrimination. We can do everything freely and without restraint.  OR  

There is no war and discrimination and we can do almost everything freely and without restraint.

Not only/But also

War which not only ruining the economy of the country, but devastating the lives of the inhabitants.

Don’t use 'not only / but also'. Most people get it wrong. Use simpler structures:

War ruins a country’s economy and devastates the lives of its people. 

David, don't be afraid to write short sentences. Have a mix of long (12-20 words) and short (5-10), but don't have too many ideas in any one sentence. Aim for the simplest possible way of expressing your ideas. Do NOT try to cram in everything you have learned.