Hi Mzahed and thanks for this essay!

Your essay is very abstract. You have phrases like

• our current condition
• the efficiency of the family, society, and professions
• the integral parts of any successful system
• weighting factor
• two valuable resources
• these two key factors have a direct link with each other
• an optimized system
• employing these factors
• a rigorous family base
• the reasons behind my approach

Where is Mzahed? It’s clear that an engineer or an analyst is at work here! The essay is very academic, and there are no specific examples, apart from one sentence about how old people teach us the meaning of ‘father,’ ‘mother,’ and ‘love.’

I’m joking, partly, but I would prefer to see more examples here.  Where are the examples from your experience and knowledge?

The Task 2 IELTS question asks

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

You’ve done the first part, but the second part is very dry, academic, and abstract. Where are the examples from your experience?

It doesn’t have to be a story or a novel or a romantic movie, but a few examples would really communicate the main ideas more effectively than this flowchart-style.

What is a ‘rigorous family base’?  What is our ‘current condition’? How can we ‘employ them’ in our lives?  What ‘economic’ benefits do young people bring, other than to Apple and Nike?

I’d love to see this essay completely rewritten – not revised – completely rewritten, and made full of examples of old people, young people, real people and ideas and stories from your experience, not from a textbook in economics.

Tired phrases and overuse or misuse of cohesive devices

Part of the problem is the use of these phrases to introduce sentences.

• It should be noted that
• Therefore
• It is obvious that  [NO comma]
• It is undeniable that
• However…. Hence
• there has been a lot of controversy among people

Some of these cohesive devices are used correctly, some are not. (You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here.)  But the essay does not flow well. There are simply not enough examples. With examples and stories you can dispense with many cohesive devices because the story will tell itself and the essay will flow automatically.

Possible Ideas

• Tell us about young people and what they do.
• Tell us about old people you know and what they do.
• If you were an employer, how long would you keep old people on your payroll?
• Or would you hire only fresh graduates?
• Do you know a company with both young and old?
• How does your society/culture/country/religion/town/family look after its young people and its old people?
• How far beyond the cliches of "we respect our elders" and "young people are our future" does your town/employer/family go? Are there activities for older people? Who looks after them? Can they work? Is there enough for young people to do? Does the government give them jobs?
• What is one thing that really bugs you about old people?
• Is an ageing population a good thing?
• Is having a huge number of young people a good thing for a country's economy?

Again, it's worth quoting the IELTS question prompt:

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

Your essay will be easier to read and easier to write if you relax and just tell a few stories!