Hi Nhattrungluu

Sorry for not being able to get back to you yesterday. Here are a few comments. Well, more than a few!

Warning - long post ahead!

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• we should ban on advertising unhealthy products → we should ban advertising unhealthy products
• on televisions → on television
• limited objections in this policy → objections to this policy

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

It is of tremendous importance to understand unhealthy products such as tobacco , cigarette , liquor  or fast food … seriously do harm to people’s health. (26 words)

Simplify. Use ‘that’ after ‘understand.’ Join the last two items in a list with ‘and.’ Remove the repetition of tobacco and cigarettes

It’s important to understand that unhealthy products such as tobacco, liquor and fast food do serious harm to people’s health. (20 words)

You wrote:

As a result a ban on these products’ advertisements is one of the best ways by which we can made unhealthy products  become less popular among people .(28 words)

Let’s delete the weak link ‘as a result.’ Let’s remove unnecessary words. Here’s one possible rewrite:

Banning advertisements for these products is one way to reduce demand. (11 words) OR

A ban on the advertising of these products is an effective way to reduce demand. (15 words)

You wrote:

There will be a lower number of people wasting their money on products killing their lives .This policy leads to better societies , where there are healthier people not suffering from diseases because of using unhealthy products .(38 words)

Nhattrungluu, don’t write any sentences over 25 words. Your average should be between 12 and 15. Have a few long sentences, say 20 -25 words or so, but a few very short ones as well

Here’s one possible rewrite with the ambiguous ‘this policy’ removed:

Fewer people would waste money on unhealthy products, and a ban on advertising these goods would lead to better diets and a healthier society. (23 words)

You wrote:

As we can see, it is more needs to be done to promote a ban on these advertisements as it will deter our children from being affected by them. (29 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite for the error in word choice ‘deter’

As we can see, a ban on these advertisements will help prevent our children from being affected by them. (15 words)

You wrote:

One more reason for people , who don’t advocate this policy is that unhealthy products manufacture creates many jobs for many people and bring in a huge amount of tax for governments . (33 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Another reason against such a ban is that these products provide thousands of jobs and bring in millions in revenue for governments. (22 words)

Punctuation

Punctuation is important in IELTS. If you good writing ability and vocabulary, you don’t want to lose marks because of simple punctuation errors. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Grammar and Accuracy.

In Band 4, punctuation is ‘often faulty’; in Band 5, it can be ‘faulty’; and in Band 6, the writer can have ‘some errors in grammar and punctuation’ as long as they ‘do not impede communication.’ Band 7 allows only ‘a few errors’ in grammar and punctuation.

Punctuation is the easiest thing to fix, so you can tidy up this area very quickly.

You wrote:

Due to the fact that people at that ages are very curious  , they will demand products  after watching its’ colorful advertisements even though these products are addictive such as tobacco or wine… .

Just use sentences. There’s no need to dots to show that your ideas are hanging on or trailing off. See here for more: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ellipsis.aspx.

Add one space AFTER each comma and full stop. There is no space before a comma or full stop. This is not the same in every language, but it’s a convention in English. If you run your essay through Microsoft Word, it will show punctuation errors.  Click here for more about checking your work in Word: https://staging5.writefix.com/?page_id=3544

Another point here about supporting ideas and coherence/cohesion is that children probably don’t know that wine or cigarettes are addictive. Your idea is not well supported: Most beer companies or cigarette manufacturers don’t target children directly in their ads, although I suppose it’s always good to be vigilant in case Pampers and Johnny Walker decide to cut costs and cooperate.

Children are very curious and may demand products after watching colorful or attractive advertisements. (12 words). Manufacturers of sweets, soft drinks and fast foods know this well and target children specifically in their advertising.

You wrote

There is ,however another perspective namely that this policy will affect the freedom of business .

There are five punctuation errors in the sentence above. Have a look here to see how ‘namely’ can be used: http://www.learnersdictionary.com/blog.php?action=ViewBlogArticle&ba_id=160 or http://www.wvup.edu/jcc/pam/semicolons.htm

• There is, however, another perspective – namely, that this policy will affect the freedom of business. OR
• There is, however, another perspective; namely, that this policy will affect the freedom of business.

I would suggest using simpler structures and getting them right.

Structure/Word Choice

You wrote:

Just as youngsters are not old enough to know what is bad for their health, so too are they endangered when they are watching bad products’ advertisements.

It’s a nice structure and you’ve used it correctly. Well done! But the sentence is spoiled by the very weak word choice of ‘bad’ products.

Here’s one possible rewrite

Most children do not know what is good for their health, and they certainly can’t distinguish between ads for healthy and unhealthy products

Topic Sentence

The topic or central idea of your Paragraph Two is that banning ads will reduce lead to a healthier society. Your topic sentence (the first sentence in your paragraph) should say this.

A ban on advertising would lead to a healthier society.

It’s a short, simple sentence which summarizes the paragraph. You can still use your current first sentence, but just move it further into the paragraph.

Tense

In your introduction, you use ‘should’ and ‘will.’ In paragraph two you use ‘can’ and ‘will.’  Try to be consistent. The idea of banning unhealthy advertising here is a hypothetical or imaginary idea, so it’s probably better to use ‘would’ or ‘should’ and conditionals (‘If a ban is/were introduced, it would…’).

Coherence and Cohesion

You wrote:

There is ,however another perspective namely that this policy will affect the freedom of business . People can sale and advertise any legal products if they want .

To improve the link between these two sentences, you need a phrase like ‘at present’ or ‘currently.’ Here’s one possible rewrite:

There is, however, another perspective; namely, that this policy will affect the freedom of business. At present, people can advertise and sell any legal product [they want]. However…

(But is this true? Most countries have very tough regulations on the advertising of cigarettes, but it is still legal to sell them in most jurisdictions.)

Specify: Make Every Sentence Relevant to the Question

Try to make every sentence relevant to the topic. Avoid sentences which could be used in a million essays. You wrote:

In this writer’s opinion , despite some limited objections in this policy, it will bring far more good than harm.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Despite possible objections over free markets and freedom of choice, I believe a ban on advertising healthy food would lead to a healthier society.

You wrote another sentence that could be used in a million essays, if it was correct:

To recapitulate, Although there are some limitations in this policy , it is much to talk about its benefits. 

Here’s one possible rewrite:

In conclusion, despite opposition from manufacturers and a possible loss in revenue for governments, there would be huge benefits from a healthier society and a better diet.

Your conclusion should summarize the points you made in your essay. You have made a lot of points -  now is the time to summarize them. You can read more about conclusions here.

Hi Katiss

Thanks for this. As usual, a clear and well-developed essay.

Layout

Your thesis sentence helps the reader to predict what is coming. You wrote:  

A ban might be an effective way to protect people‘s health but may conflict with other interests.

The first part of your sentence tells the reader that there will be a paragraph about the benefits of a ban and the second part suggests that you will discuss some problems with such a ban.  

However, you have changed this order in the body - would it be more effective if you changed the order of the paragraphs?  And could the topic sentence in Paragraph Two be shorter?  You wrote:

Supporters of allowing commercials for unhealthy foods want to limit the government‘s influence on consumer‘s choices.

Here’s one possible rewrite in two sentences:

Many people object to government control over consumer choice. They oppose any restrictions on the advertising of food.   OR

Many people oppose restrictions on food advertising and reject interference with consumer choice.

It's cheating I know to have two topic sentences - if you join the two sentences above with 'and', the new sentence will be longer than your version! But basically the function of the topic sentence is to make the topic or central idea of the paragraph as clear as possible, so the fewer words the better

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Some people propose extending this measure on other harmful products → …extending this measure to other harmful products
    
• These measure can help to protect teenagers and children from developing unhealthy habits in first place → these measures can help to protect teenagers and children from developing unhealthy habits in the first place
    
• If young people see less pictures →  If young people see fewer pictures
   
• the government has to deal with the consequence of the consume of harmful products on people‘s health → The government has to deal with the consequences of the consumption of harmful products on people‘s health
   
• measures, like a ban on commercials, are fully justify. → measures such as a ban on commercials are fully justified.  (The commas here are unnecessary -  the ban is the main topic of the essay, so it’s important. )

Hi Katiss

I think you were using the readability tool at online-utility.org, while I was using the one with the pretty color bars at http://www.read-able.com.

Both are very useful, and so is Microsoft Word's built-in readability analysis. If you don't know how to turn it on, just read here: How to check your work in Microsoft Word.

What do the indexes mean?

All these readability indexes have to be used carefully. The most useful numbers are

• word count
• sentence count
• paragraph count
• number of passives
• number of 'complex' words  (sometimes just 'long' words or words with three or more syllables)

Most of the readability indexes (Coleman-Liau,Flesch Kincaid, Gunning Fog, etc -  there are many)  do not 'read' your essay -  they don't understand English. All they do is a calculation based on the number of words, sentences, or word length. 

Many of them give a number which is the years of school needed for a native speaker of English in the US to 'understand' your essay -  a grade level of 12 means that a person should have completed secondary school or high school to be able to 'read' your essay.  For these, for our purposes here with IELTS essays, the lower - the simpler, the easier - the better!

One of them, the Flesch readability index (different from the Flesch-Kincaid index!), is different -  it just gives a percentage -  the higher the better.  You can find out more about these indexes here. https://staging5.writefix.com/?page_id=270

The readability indexes are like a thermometer which just gives you a number. It can be in Centigrade or Fahrenheit, but it's just a number. A nurse can use a thermometer take your temperature, but a high or low number doesn't say what's wrong with the person, and a readability index doesn't always say what's wrong with the essay. Both thermometers and readability indexes can be fooled.

So use them cautiously!

Readability Indexes are Useful

In my experience, they are reasonably accurate and helpful. If someone is using too many long sentences, or not enough paragraphs, or too many passives, or too many complicated words, the indexes will show me quickly. By adding a few full stops, removing commas, adding a couple of short sentences, removing passives, and simplifying vocabulary (e.g. using the 3-syllable word 'conclusion' instead of the five-syllable word 'recapitulate') most people's essays will be shorter, simpler, easier to read  -  and get a higher score in IELTS.

Really!

Here's your essay about TV ads for unhealthy food from read-able.com. If you go there and copy-and-paste your essay, you will see the explanation for different readability indexes as well.  Your essay is nice and consistent.

Experiment by breaking up some of the longer sentences, adding some short ones and see if you get some green bars!